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Learning to grow

A blog by Briannah in General

  • Entries

    140

  • Comments

    285

  • Views

    49,656

About this blog

This is Bree's journal talking about how life changes, and how you grow with them (probably with the occasional freakout, I'm good at panic mode too!).  Life has been hard since day one, and not doing it alone is the key!

Entries in this blog

Just rambling.

I think I grew up a bit more somewhere along the way.  I'm at the post-stressout phase and tired, but Nikki's wish to leave isn't as scary as it first was.  I still have a lot of fears, but I think they're valid fears.  What if he can't get a job, the unemployment rate in Ohio is still bad, what if we can't sell the house, what will my mom do since my son is moving out of state next week and then we're leaving too (I know, on the one hand she's pretty much made her bed with me, but on the other

Spousal Perspective of tools.

How Nikki sees the new tool kit we got today (because I broke the drill, don't ask) - Ooh, cool, I can do cool things like built in book shelving and better closeting!  I can be all sorts of productive!  These things are kind of dangerous though. How I see the new tools: Hm..if anyone breaks in again, I could totally kill a person with those....and not have to worry about a cord.  I wonder if it would get stuck in the bone? Some days I think there is something really wrong with me.  In my defens

We have stairs! And some Bree rambles.

So there is a still a lot of work, I swear the cosmetic parts are more work than the actual structural parts, but the decaying and failing runners have all been replaced by new ones, that are deeper (the come out a but further, giving a larger space for the foot) with new pine runners.  Nikki did an awesome job, sawdust is everywhere (sawdust smells good, I forgot that), and w'ere ready to start worrying about making it look nice now.  I forgot how QUIET stairs are when they're not...well...anci

Just life.

Life evolves.  The original plan was only moving if Nikki found a job out of town. Which as of yet has not happened, but it's always a potentiality.  Unfortunately, I got curious, and I looked at towns around our area and asked NIkki what the maximum commute was, as apparently there are several choices in a city a half hourish south of us that would put our mortgage at a third to half of what we pay  now.  Let that percolate a moment, yeah.  And the houses are bigger and nicer.  One is so flat o

Ugh.

I do not have the time to have some kind of stomach flu on mothers day.  Must get my innards under control and soldier on.  People are expecting calls, and while I've hit the point I don't necessarily care anymore, I do care about not making my life difficult.  *headdesk*  My timing, as ever, is incredible.  Blow out my intestings adn surgery on the third of july, massive actual case of influenza (the real stuff, not the tummy kind) for my birthday and anniversary one year, stomach flus on chris

Adventures in Spa land.

So I was warm for something like 11 days.  10 really, the second day of the drive home was cold and insanely rainy and foggy depending on where we were.  Managed to not fry my skin or drown in the spa.  Seriously, that was nearly a thing.  We got the spa access package this cruise which we never do, but Nikki's injured back benefitted greatly.  So we tried new things.  Here's how that went, feel free to laugh.  ​1) Heated Ceramic Loungers - big ceramic lounge chairs designed by a chiropractor t

ALl the houses are starting to blur together.

SO it's my job to keep an eye on the housing market and come up with reasonable solutions for later, while Nikki full on job hunts and we work together on the actual physicality of packing and repairs.  So...he'll give me a city  he's found a potential job in and I yay or nay based on  housing prices.  But now I have looked at so so many that they have blended into one insane, nightmare of a house riddled with water damage, hideous pink bathrooms, strange flora outside that looks like it want to

Having a good day.

Just spent the last hour having my hair painted with my favorite green dye to repair the damage from the sun, spa, chlorine pool, hot tubs, therapy tub, and sea on vacation.  There was a girl with pink hair tipped in purple and me with my green, and by the end of the week she was completely blond again and I was almost there, with just the front part clinging to the green.  Looked like deliberately done modern streaking through, so I was somewhat happy with that.  It's really relaxing to sit aro

It's almost over.

YAY!  We're closing on the house Tuesday!!!!  Then on Saturday a coworker friend we've been making is coming all the way up here to help us move.  He's aware of my hernia issue and my ability to live/carry things being compromised and wanted to help Nikki out and I'll just be organizing and using the wagon I won last year at a picnic giveaway (I love that collapsible canvas wagon, they are the best things ever!  Lightweight, maneuverable, but roomy and strong!).   I"M MOVING!   One more wee

We survived moving day 1.0!

Unfortunately, there will be a 2.0, as our friend's big trailer was unavailable, but he brought the 'smaller one' and we moved most of it.   So we're going back Saturday with him again (he's so sweet, volunteered to do it again for us!) and get the last of it.  I can't find anything, unpacking is really random, but it feels great to be here.  This town is amazing!  People are REALLY friendly here.  When I smile and say hello to random strangers they stop and strike up a conversation instead of l

Sorting through a new life.

Starting over is weirdly freeing and oddly disturbing at the same time, whether the scale is large or small.  I really wasnt' sure I would do well when Nikki decided we needed to change EVERYTHING, not just how our marriage worked and my knowing about and understanding his gender fluidity.  As much as it can be understood, he's still learning as he goes too.  But EVERYTHING was going to change.  My home, the jobs, the lifestyle, the diet choices, our clothing, even our hobbies; literally nothing

Good day.

Today is a very laid back day.  We stopped in at the doctors office to follow up on my lab work since I didn't get the call that the order was put in (The computers were dead at our doctors the day we went, my prescription made it the pharmacy but Nikki's didn't, they were struggling so hard) and no one called like they said to tell me I could go in whenever.  And sure enough the order wasn't in the computer, so the receptionist left a note for our doctor to enter it.  And follow up making sure

Irma.

So I just saw photos of St. Maarten after Irma passed through.  On top of the horror for those people, there is this creepy feeling.  I was there, in March, with Ashe.  We lounged on a beautiful beach, we had lunch at this awesome open air restaurant right on the beech and iguanas joined us for the lunch, there was a drive through the beautiful now underwater streets.  It just feels weird when it's somewhere you have been.  Like when I see flood photos from the one we had here.  It's not a feeli

Psa to self : Habit Change

So I need to start going through my house every coupla years and just looking at the stuff that is lying around/saved somewhere.  I have saved some really useless junk over the years.  Anyone remember the Isle of Lost Toys from the old Christmas specials?  Apparently we are running the Sanctuary of Lost Cords.  Which of course Nikki won't let me throw any of those out because we might need them some amorpheous day in the future.  Fine, he let me throw most of the rest of the junk out, and we can

Surreal thread I read here.

I was scrolling around in the crossdresser's forum to get more familiar with the topics discussed since the more Nikki talks the more he 'fits' the category at this point in time, so I wanted to learn more to help him be his best her on those days.  And I ran into this thread, and it's surreal.  I understand all the view points, but I realize so many things. My insane life experience has made me uniquely qualified for this moment with Nikki and for once is a plus.  I believe I dealt with the 'co

Tried Virtual Reality yesterday. Mind blown.

So printer died a horrible death, moment of silence for my little desk friend.    Moment over.  IT was a fast moment, it wasn't that nice a desk friend.  Nikki and I can't be without a printer, we use it constantly.  So I ordered a new one, and we went to Best Buy to pick it up.  Now, Nikki just got to order the components to put his new computer together, the same one we built for me around Christmas, only he gets it $100 cheaper because prices go down with time.  LOL  So he was browsing around

Still alive

So Nikki and I had our follow up appt. yesterday for the blood pressure medication, and she glanced over us for the plague while we were there, and broke my turtle heart.  This is a two week plague.  *headdesK*  I'm past my first week and at least feeling better, but another week of congestion and coughing is not making me happy.  I imagine Nikki is less happy only being a few days into it.  And he's tolerating the blood pressure medication better than me, so mine has been changed.  Maybe I can

Sunday musings.

Feeling better, still coughing a big but not like yesterday and there is no gurgling down my windpipe as I breat now.  So spent the day with Nikki watching the rest of this anime I stumbled into called K.  It's one of those that makes absolutely no sense the first couple episodes, it just throws you into the middle of a conflict, but I liked the characters and wanted to know what was happening to them, and by the end of the anime it had all unraveled into this beautiful and sort of sadly painful

The upsides of being married to Nikki.

So now that I'm adjusting, there are some real upsides to being married to Nikki (specifically for me, or someone genderfluid in general).  I was talking to my freind Kate about all this and explaining why it was unrealistic for me right not to be able to attend her wedding in June adn she should give my spot to someone able to go (her guest list is really tight, and better she able to invite someone who could potentially enjoy it) and I thought I would put these things down here.  This is about

Instinct vs. Medical advice.

So my back is killing me today, I slept wrong the night before last or something.  You know, when you just wake up and your back says "#$&& no!".  My natural instinct is really to find a comfortable position that doesn't hurt, and stay there.  Until it heals up.  But what the doctor told Nikki last time he did this was that the fastest way to realign the back and heal the problems is walking.  And it's taking all my willpower to ignore my instincts and listen to her.  But every hour I'm

Tired of winter.

I'm tired of being cold.  I miss my pool.  I miss being able to just walk out the door and not worry about balancing what feels like a hundred pounds of clothing with my lungs cold-air reactions and Nikki freaking out that I"ll have an asthma attack.  I miss playing D&D outside in the backyard in our lovely screen tent (cuz wow the bugs in this area), sitting at night with Nikki at the backyard fire pit watching the flames and talking quietly about the life, the universe, and everything in t

It's getting a little warmer!

Super excited about the weather, and had a long talk with the girl who runs our summer retreat of friends, and she is fiercely pro-Nikki and told me (unsolicited, I was just answering her questions why I'd gone weird the last six months and then so busy I couldn't talk to anyone because I was in deep talks with Nikki about everything) "I'm completely comfortable with him bringing his femme clothes and anyone who isn't comfortable here can go the fuck home because this is our safe space".  I love

Youtube is eating my soul.

Seriously, I lost gobs of time to Youtube.  It always starts out innocently. I want to hear a certain song.  Watch some tutorial videos so I know what Nikki wants me to buy.  In the mood for a laugh so look up news blooper videos (OMG nothing is funnier than news going wrong!).  The try guys people I like watching trying new things for the first time.  And then...it's there.  The bane of my existence.  That bar on the right with other videos linked, ones that tempt me into clicking, and the next

Wednesday musings.

Went to the therapy place with Nikki, and I stayed in the lobby, but man it was relaxing.  They had this really zen music playing, and it was nice, and there was this pretty mood lamp next to me, and I was just mellowing out have a nice conversation with a lady until her appointment, then sitting working on a puzzle.  I really should have asked what cd they were playing, that was some really nice laid back music.  The couch was comfy.  And there was water and a coffee bar if I got thirsty.  Then

Still trucking.

So...stormed outta the house yesterday.  Was trying to talk to Nikki about realizing that even when he is the catalyst, he is not actually MY FEELINGS.  And that every feeling and confusion I have, even if they are started by something about him, is actually NOT ABOUT HIM, and talking over me as loud as he possibly could that it was made me leave.  I went to the park and froze my ass off sitting in a place i used to spend time with Grandpa really missing him.  Then I went to work, and Nikki sent

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