Well, it is now 7:30am, and I've been up for about three to four hours so far. I'm not supposed to be to work until 11:45am but here I sit in the cafeteria of the college kitchen that I work at.

My jeep's oil pan is so thin with corrosion that you can poke your finger through it, so to save myself a burning fireball of a vehicle on the way to work one interesting morning, I decided to share rides with my boyfriend.

Who works an opposite shift than I do.

Yay me.

Anyway, to try and pass the time I’ve decided to blog about everything and anything on my mind this morning. Just because I can and you guys have been nice enough to listen to my ranting and whining so far without complaint. I value your opinions and ideas on this site and it’s always a breath of fresh air to be able to talk to you all comfortably with the knowledge that you’ll understand.

A lot of people, I have noticed, are completely oblivious to the LGBT community within their own lives, and it’s actually really saddening. When I go to work every day, I know well of the stares that I’m to receive or the piss-poor attitudes of those around me who do not approve.

Some even go as far as to rub my birth name in my face, and I do my best to ignore this. But sometimes it’s really hard and it drives me almost to tears. Sadly, a common thought in my mind on a daily basis is “Why are people such di**s?”

I know I shouldn’t think about it, and I do attempt to let it slide off my shoulders but sometimes it is just simply not that easy. Some days I just want to walk up to the haters and knock their front teeth out.

If I had the chance, and knew I would not be arrested, you bet you’re a** I would. In a heartbeat.

Except for the girls. I’d probably just throw something in their face or ruin their favorite shirts or whatever it is that they care about. It certainly isn’t the feelings of others.

On Another note, the impending doubt and fear of the 6^th has started to spread throughout my bones. The fear of being told they wont help me. The anxiety of being turned away and told to deal with it. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle something like that….I really don’t.

I have all my hopes up on this appointment and I know I shouldn’t stress, and plenty of people tell me to calm down and let it happen, that everything will be alright. But I cant just sit here and breathe easy. It’s not who I am. I’m impatient, I’m a fearful person, and my anxiety sometimes controls aspects of my life that I know it shouldn’t.

It should be “I have anxiety” not “anxiety has me”. But sometimes its just not that simple to control.

On another hand, I have managed to save up 1,488$ in my surgery funds. To me that doesn’t sound like a lot at all, but I know it’s a hell of a lot better than nothing.

Something that happened just this morning, precisely twenty minutes ago right……now…still has me a bit irritated but I know it’s something I’ll have to get used to.

Ma’am.

I had ordered a birthday cake for my little sister for when I go up on May 2^nd through hannafords. It’s a batman symbol, but also the symbol of her favorite band (and one of mine) Black Veil Brides. Anyway, I accidentally ordered it for April 30^th, not realizing it’d be sitting in my fridge for almost 2 days before she’d get it. So I called to change it to May 1^st instead, and had to do it on my cellphone which I know sucks.

“I’m sorry, I think the connection is bad. Ma’am, are you still here?”

Ugh……Sadly, yes. Yes I am.

I responded with “Not a ma’am, but yes, I’m still here” to which she giggled back “Oh, my bad. You sounded like a chick”. Oh yeah? Don’t f***ing remind me!

I do my best to deepen my voice, but without hormones I fear it’s something that’s never going to be quiet up to par. And my boyfriend has requested that out of the top surgery and name change and everything else in my transgendered life..hormones wont be one of the things I pick up.

A little heart broken by the request because I’m not ‘built’ masculine, but I’ll take it. As long as I loose my ‘tumors’ and go by Warren, I can deal with the lack of a male face.

I’ll just be a very fem guy.

I just wish people would stop calling me feminine pronouns. Her, she, miss, ma’am, madam, lady, woman…..I take it all as an insult. And though I’ll admit sometimes its not their fault and they simply don’t know any different, there are those select few who DO know and don’t CARE.

And that is the most frustrating. But no one said Transgenders had it easy, did they?

Everyone here has felt that punch in the gut from the words of others. That stinging in your ears as someone calls you something you despise. Or that pounding in your chest when someone does call you something you want.

Living the life of a transgender is a very emotionally trying adventure. But every adventure has it’s hills and rivers. You gotta be willing to climb that hill, and willing to get a little wet and muddy to cross the streams.

Not everything is a grassy field you can simply waltz through. Sometimes you gotta put some boots on.

(Just randomly wanna note that some old lady is literally staring straight at me and has been for the past ten minutes as I type. Can you say creeeeeeeeepy?)

On another note, I’m increasingly becoming more and more of a shadow in my family. I’ve always sort of been a distant shadow but now I’m an unwelcomed one. Like the ghost that everyone knows about but no one understands. They fear and cower away from it without realizing it means no harm, and only wants to be seen. Or heard.

I’ve kept my distance as best I dare manage without losing touch completely, for my little sister’s sake. But my nieces don’t even know my face anymore. My little sister asked my 5 year old niece Kai if she knew who I was, and she replied “nope. Is that your brother?”

And my sister couldn’t even answer honestly. She cant say yes, because of the anger that would follow from my older sister and mother. But she couldn’t say no because she does not believe in pushing my gender identity into a corner. She sees me as her brother. A man, a guy, a dude. She’s the one shining star in my family of black holes. She accepts me for me and doesn’t ask questions. As long as I’m there for her, she doesn’t care what my name is or what I’m wearing or who I’m kissing.

That’s what I love about her.

She is completely open to the world, even with it shuts her out.

Struggling with her own identity, she understands my pain. She “thinks” she is bisexual but has not reached that full point of knowing yet. She may be Lesbian, she doesn’t know. She’s explored the idea of transgender even before I came out to my family, but is hesitant. She doesn’t believe herself male, but doesn’t like female. I think she’s just Gender Fluid. Androgynous.

I’d love her either way, no matter what she/he chose. It just takes time to figure yourself out. Took me years and I’m still discovering! I thought I were Lesbian, later discovered maybe it was actually bisexual, and now realize I’m actually Pansexual. Life is an ever changing journey, so you cant jump to conclusions.

Never assume it’s over until you’re shaking hands with Death.

Warren