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On transitioning...


Chrissy

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Good morning everyone! Happy Tuesday!

This might be something of a "stream of consciousness" entry, but it's been a few days and I feel like I need to post something. :rolleyes:

I just had a long weekend, it's the end of the semester here so I took off Friday and Monday. Over the weekend I did an inventory of my wardrobe to see what exactly I need to buy in order to dress properly on a full-time basis. In hindsight I probably didn't need to do that, I basically need more of everything. I'm quite well set for my casual wardrobe, but not so well set for work. But now I have a list in my phone and plan to start correcting that this week (a lunchtime trip to Century 21 for starters!).

On Thursday at the Stonewall Girls meetup we met a college student who is doing a paper on transgender issues (she did say exactly what it was, but it was a very academic title and I don't recall now the details). She asked several people if she could do one-on-one interviews, so I did that with her on Saturday. It was rather thorough, and very respectful (the one question she said might be "intrusive" really wasn't at all). The interview was probably as helpful to me as it was to her as she asked about a number of things that gave me something to think about, and I found as I was answering her I remembered things that I hadn't been thinking about recently! So I found it helpful in terms of my own journey.

There are still moments when I think "Is this real? Or am I really just a guy and this is just a passing thing?" But more and more as I think that, I have other thoughts that counter it. Most recently was Thursday night with the meetup group (I know I wrote about this already, but it looks like that post was lost to the software upgrade). I've gone to the group before, but this was the first time that I was going as me, and not "me dressed as a woman." It felt good, it felt right.

And then last night, I was doing my internship at a theater and had to go en homme - they have a "uniform" and I can't currently do it en femme. I was rather uncomfortable with it. I usually wear a pair of (fake) red-framed glasses (the uniform is red and black), but last night I didn't want to - I felt like they distracted from other things (my new hair style and the mascara that I was wearing).

But I also know that this isn't all about how I'm dressing. If it was, then I'd just be cross-dressing. It is true that I prefer (and have always preferred) women's fashion to men's, but the more important thing is that I'm now presenting through wardrobe and accessories how I feel inside. I can also see how to some degree wearing women's clothing is becoming second nature, I don't even notice it at times (except in those moments when I catch a look at myself in the mirror, that sometime still pleasantly surprises me).

I'm starting with my new therapist tomorrow, I'm very excited about that! I liked my last therapist, but the new person specializes in gender issues. It's also the first time I'll be seeing a female therapist.

Time to get back to work now!

xoxo

Christie :wub:

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Hi Christie,

So glad you are writing this, it very much reminds me of my own recent experiences, even though they are relatively recent, they now seem far off.

I also had feelings of being male the female just like the tide ebbing and flooding, but the male feelings (which also gave uncertainty) started to get fewer and further between.

Are you on hormones and anti-androgens yet?

I found that after 2 years of oestrogen it was a slow and gradual process of riding myself of the alternating male and female feelings, after starting anti-androgens the process has quickened quite markedly and I no longer have any male feelings, and I feel totally normal as Eve, I also like the way my female identity has grown with my preferring to express myself as a female professional with an smart office look rather than the overtly girlish leather minis, and boots that I started out with 3 years ago.

Good luck with your shopping, but remember the little signifiers such as jewllery, they make such a difference. Pearls never seem to go out of fashion and give such an up-market look ,when worn with classy clothes, and a nice perfume such as Giorgio (the yellow one!).

Cheers and hugs,

Eve

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Thank you both for your comments :-)

When I use "cross-dressing" now I'm only referring to the time when I was dressing as a woman before "coming out" as TG. It is true of course that I was TG even before coming out, so it really wasn't cross-dressing even then, but it's an easy way to distinguish those time periods and the mental state that I was in during both (feeling like a man dressing as a woman vs just being dressed).

I am getting more and more stressed that I still at times have to dress male - my current wardrobe isn't sufficient yet to go all female, and money is a little tight (though now that taxes are done I'll start having some room, and I'm getting a better idea of things that I need sooner).

I haven't started hormones yet. I start with a new gender therapist today, so I am going to raise that, to at least start discussing it. Then I assume I'll need to see my regular doctor to talk about it with him as well (I've been going to him for a long time now, so I'm comfortable with how he'll be about this).

One thing I can't seem to find anywhere is exactly how hormones are taken? Do you have to keep using them periodically for some amount of time? (I assume yes, I just don't know how often and for how long)

Jewelry is my "project" for this weekend. I have some that I've assembled specifically for doing drag, but I'm going to look through it all to see what I can incorporate now.

XOXO

Christie

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Veronica,

First thank you :-)

And I love the "I'm not quite done baking yet" line, that's great!

I did some more Kohl's shopping yesterday, and plan to go to Century 21 tomorrow at lunch, so hopefully by next week I'll be able to go en femme at least most days even to work.

Outside of work I also love women's jeans and capris! I have a full stock of JLo jeans.

I think I might underestimate how feminine I'm already appearing - it's so hard to be objective about yourself (looking in the mirror, even when I'm in full drag, I still see me, so it's obviously a matter of seeing me as a woman)

xoxo

Christie

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