Updates - coming out, and orientation epiphany!

Happy Friday everyone!

I made several fairly significant steps this week.  In terms of "presentation" there was only one day that I was wearing typically male clothing (and the reason for that has now passed, so it doesn't need to happen again).  In addition to the mascara and lip gloss that I was already doing, I wore nail polish all week (including a very noticeable red on Wednesday).  And I'm getting better at curling my hair to match what the hair stylist did, so my hair style is decidedly more feminine.  I'm actually at the point that when I look in the mirror I even think I look more female!

I also just spoke with a student about it.  I work with 2 large student groups, and this was one of the lead students for one of them.  Since I know that I'm getting more and more obvious, there's a possibility of students talking, so I wanted him to know what was going on and that it was fine to tell them if it does come up.  I limited the information I told him, but it's enough (I just said I'm trans, still fairly early in my transition, but it's happening and will likely continue...words to that effect).

But the biggest thing happened yesterday while I was proctoring a 3 hour exam.  That gave me plenty of time to think, so I was thinking about how recently (the last few months) I've noticed that I really am not attracted to gay men, but am seemingly only attracted to straight men.  In terms of my sexual orientation I currently just say that I'm attracted to me, rather than saying that I'm a "gay male" or "straight female."  I went over this so many times trying to figure out what I thought the difference was and why I'd be attracted specifically to straight men.  Anything I thought of as far as characteristics I had to quickly dismiss knowing that anything I thought of could be found in either group (or even women for that matter!)

Then it hit me, and when it did I felt a little stupid for not realizing it earlier.  The ONE difference between gay and straight men (and my apologies for being so binary, but it's easier for now) is that straight men are attracted to women and gay men are attracted to men (I know, "DUH!!!!").  So, I'm attracted to straight men because they're attracted to women, and I'm a woman.

The most important take-away from that to me is that it's probably the first time I've spontaneously thought of myself as a woman - out loud at least.  I need to live with the thought for a little, but it seems like a likely tipping point for me.  It certainly explains the attraction issue.  I think it might have happened because, as I mentioned above, I'm actually starting to visually see myself as female, so I'm better able to accept that internally as well.  That's where I think the importance of "passing" comes in at this early stage.  Later on I hopefully won't care as much, but right now to help me work through things I need to be seen - and see myself - as female.

Well, time to get back to work!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

xoxo

Christie