Thinking about "I seemed to have a lot of very male traits in my early life" and your physical traits not in alignment with the internal you, one must realize there is always the part of how one is brought up plays into the entire picture which does not in anyway diminish the girl (thinking young age) within.

Many males who are female inside can exhibit GI Joe characteristics while a female who is male inside may come off as Barbie for the sole purpose of saying "I am really this gender" but deep below it's a lie. My point being there is social reasons for the gender traits and ones to disguise who we are truly inside.

Anyways what I read is A typical of people like me, you and others and it (at least to me) is wonderful that we live in a time were the internet provides us information from others to validate or invalidate our own mental self that we are truly not alone and not an anomaly or sexual deviate but instead very much sane once we come to terms with what we are going through. 

Hi Eve,

Thanks very much for your post. I imagine you felt it's kind of risky. But if you can't risk with us, who can you risk with? !!!

I greatly appreciate your openness, concerns, and sure, your commitment. Airing your feelings is very healthy for you and your readers. I think we all wonder at times about our motivations and it's good to reflect on our histories, especially childhood, when our raw innocence cannot be denied.

Emma

Hi Emma,

No I didn't think it risky at all, point of fact is that my past doesn't need to be secret, just the same as I don't really mind if people (public) know, realise or think that I'm trans, I obviously prefer them thinking that I'm female, but it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm just me. As Karen has said above, I have come to terms with myself, but also with my past.

Eve

Our stories all will be very different, as has been pointed out our individual backgrounds will play out so much.  I know that when I've read many of the stories from people who knew as a child that they were born into the wrong body there is often a story or stories about harsh reactions when they displayed their correct gender.  In my case, my parents were, how do I put this nicely, ambivalent.  As a very young child my best friend was a girl who lived down the street, we played as girls typically would.  If my parents even realized that (they probably didn't) they wouldn't have reacted harshly.  I think it's often the harsh responses that imprint the memory, without it you might bury the memory more.

Their ambivalence could have been good, in that it might have left me free to explore who I was, but it didn't work that way.  They also didn't do anything to make me feel any sense of self-esteem so as soon as I came into contact with other social forces (elementary school) I crumbled and while I didn't do much to fit into a typically male mode I also stayed away from anything female (and thus spend many days after school at home watching TV).

[I originally posted this under the duplicate entry of this blog post, wanted to move it over here ]

Eve,

I'm so glad you shared this!  I've felt very similar to you about this, and it's what fuels what remains of my doubts.  I especially like that you talked about testosterone ravaging your body!  I remember when I started to have body hair it truly grossed me out (honestly, even writing that phrase right now made me feel a little ill).  I've worked very hard to get rid of most of it (waxing, then laser, now electrolysis for my face).

It wasn't until I started cross-dressing a couple of years ago (thinking at first that it was a fetish) that I started to realize who I really am inside, and that my outside wasn't matching.

xoxo

Christie

Thanks for moving it Christie, I don't know how I managed to mess up the entry, apologies to all.

Eve x