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"Ghost Whisperer"


Chrissy

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A month or so ago (hard to keep track of the passage of time these days) I found myself becoming addicted to "Ghost Whisperer."  I had seen bits of the show in passing in the past but it never caught my attention until now.  For those who don't know, it was a show from - well, sometime - with Jennifer Love Hewitt in which she could see ghosts of people who hadn't been able to "cross over."  She helps them resolve whatever it is that is keeping them "Earth-bound."  And regardless how neat and sappy the episode is, it never fails to get me to cry at the ending as the ghost "sees the light."

I've never been a particular believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a strong believer in the ongoing work of the subconscious.  I believe that it's always vigilant and ready to tell you "you need this, you're ready for this."  I believe that's why my sudden addiction to this show.

My parents passed away about 10 years ago, within about 3 months of each other, and both too young (my mother was 67, my father had just turned 69).  My life, which had been unraveling in slow and not-so-slow motion up until then, went into a full-on tail spin not long after that.  I don't want to go into those details, and I know there are many, many people who have had far worse experiences, but I'll suffice it to say here that my experiences were not run-of-the-mill problems.  I also spent a lot of that time blaming my parents, and not necessarily without cause.

They made a decision when we were born (I have an older brother and sister) that they didn't want to do what their parents did, which was to push them towards or away from particular careers, basically pushing them in the direction they thought they should go.  But in doing so, my parents (I believe) went way too far in the other direction, failing to provide any sense of direction or encouragement to us.  As a result I failed to develop follow-through and beyond that a belief in myself and that I could accomplish things.

Anyway, last night while I was doing my volunteer gig at a comedy theater there was a show going on that wasn't catching my interest, so I found myself going into my own head.  Perhaps a comedian had made a parent reference, but something got me to thinking about them.  And I realized (and this is where "Ghost Whisperer" comes into play) that I needed to forgive them, because until I did I wasn't going to be able to move on, at least as effectively as I can.

And so I did.  Right, wrong, or otherwise I blamed them, and by doing that I was keeping myself focused on what they did wrong and the impact it had on me, rather than taking charge of my own life.  I think I got into "Ghost Whisperer" because my subconscious saw the show's structure and realized that I needed that, and I was ready for it.  It also might have some up because I was wearing my mother's high school ring.  And especially right now I need that, because I've started a journey here that requires (REQUIRES) me to believe in myself.  I find that when I feel any sense of "doubt" lately it's really fear, it's the fear that I will never be "passable," that people will always see a "man."

So there you have it.  My review of "Ghost Whisperer" :rolleyes:

xoxo

Christie

(P.S., for further evidence of my belief that it was time, "Christie" was my birth middle name, and it was my mother's maiden name)

 

 

 

 

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Christie, I truly believe that once you come to terms with "the fear" and doubt which is one of the main catalyst for many not moving forward you will see things crystal clear like never before in regards to self-awareness in either direction you take by it not moving forward or moving forward. The passable part will be a thing of the past if you truly start hormones and believe in yourself. It is not an overnight thing nor a few weeks but instead many months to have confidence to have others believe in you too.

I know some people who write notes to themselves to build up confidence while I had objects in my place, pictures, vases with flowers and in general how my place was and is setup as a cisgender female does. This goes a long way to building confidence and to place one's mind into the right place so it is not simply you the person but the things and people that surround us. 

Edited by KarenPayne
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Along those lines last night, while still in my own head, I recognized the really big fear was about finding a job if I needed to.  I worried that, especially if I didn't believe I was passable, that I might not be able to find one.

But then I thought about that fear vs. the idea of just giving this up.  My inner response to that wasn't even to consider them against each other, it was simply that I can't do that.  I can't go back, if I do that I'm just not living my life.

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Hi Christie, 

So glad that you believe in yourself, and yes you need to forgive and possibly forget and move on.

Passable? we have a saying over here "mind over matter - I don't mind and you don't matter" that's how to approach the thorny issue of passing, it's other people who might have a problem with me, I don't have a problem being me, so that's their problem, and I don't give it anymore thought than that these days, I just move on...........

Hope this helps you,

Eve

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It is a monumental decision to move forward, like my therapist said to me yesterday after showing her pictures from a photo session last weekend. Kevin is but a distant memory and there is no way you could ever go back (not like I would even think of it). But is a small percentile that have regret but I tend to believe this is the fault on both the person and the professional assisting them and ignore the Benjamin standards or loosely interpret them for their own agenda.    

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I think I was typing my comment when you and Karen were doing the same, have to say that I agree with you both, and I thought about "props" too, such as large femme sunglasses to help hide my droopy male looking eyes, wearing the right combination of clothes to hide my lack of hips, and to show that my boobs are real wide loose trousers to hide my size 9 (US 11) feet, not too much over the top make-up, ensuring that the colour of my wig and the style and length of my wig suits me (read in your own hair if you're lucky enough), there are a lot of props that you can use and they helped me no end in gaining confidence.

Eve

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This past week was the first in which I was almost entirely going by Christie, and I noticed last night that my friend (who works at the comedy club where I volunteer) accidentally called me by my former name and I initially didn't react.  It was only because it was his voice and clearly aimed in my direction (I wasn't looking at him at the moment) that got my attention.  I'm already seeing that using my former name (which I still have to in a few circumstances) feels almost foreign to me.

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People still call me Steve at times, I don't really mind because they don't do it purposefully, it's just old habits that they find hard to shake off.........

Eve

Edited by eveannessant
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Eve,

Cisgender women use "props" to minimize their weak characteristics or bring attention to their positive characteristics.  One in three cisgender women use wigs and hair pieces.  In my case, I choose my eye wear carefully to bring attention to my hazel eyes, and because I am a women of size, I choose my accessories carefully.  Also, I have large feet (size 11 to 11 1/2) and choose simply designed shoes as well as floor length pants instead of 3/4 length pants.

Ladies, these concerns show that you are WOMEN, not transwomen fearing not passing!

Your friend,

Monica

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