I've just moved back home after being away living at my parents' house for 10 weeks following separation from my girlfriend of 8 years. Early this year and following a long, gradual "sink down" into this bad unhealthy relationship I decided to take a "deep dive" look into that whirlwind of crazy thoughts in my head and to my horror (or so I thought at the time), discovered what is gender dysphoria. I immediately recognized myself. That led me to spend the next four months locked up in my recording studio downstairs, smoking excessive amounts of hash and watching crazy shit on the web while trying to numb myself as much as possible, somehow hoping this dysphoria thing would magically go away...yeah that really worked!

Finally in April, getting really scared I would trigger another downward spiral into other drugs or alcoholism (I have not drank since 2000) so I looked for and luckily found a clinical psychologist who specializes in Trans people like us and through several long emails and one telephone conversation, helped me realize I had to make this real and move forward with my transition. That led me to have a complete emotional breakdown and I left two days later.  Since my ex has deep long term personality issues, a heavy drinking problem and always promised to work to help with bills but never did, leaving was easily justified without having to "out" myself.

After a couple of weeks, I decided I would come out to my 17 year old step daughter Isabelle as she is the person who is closest to me.  Her generation is amazing...she totally got it and was actually extremely happy I am doing this and willing to encourage and help me through my whole transition.  

My sister who is 4 and a half years younger than me was the second one I was going to tell. For the record I am 48. She is in psychology having gone back to school to earn her doctorate and will be finished before the end of this year.  I met her at a Casey's restaurant in Ottawa and gave her the news.  She was very compassionate about the whole thing, realizing her "brother" has been living with this "her" whole life.  I do have to say it took her about a month and one visit to my own therapist to truly accept what I have and have to do...  This has actually brought us much closer.

My ex has left me an incredible mess as she was a clothes hoarder and when I stepped in the house a week before last Friday, I walked over to my couch, sat down and still couldn't help but get the biggest smile on my face and take in a feeling of incredible relief and liberation.  Relieved by the fact that I could start living as myself for the first time in my life and liberated by the fact I could start anew on my own terms. I also knew I wouldn't be going through this alone.  Shortly after leaving 10 weeks previous, Isabelle asked me if she could stay with me.  I said yes since it was ok with her mom and asked her to come to one of my sessions with my therapist.  This was important to me as I played a huge role in raising her and want to be there for her always.  My therapist later congratulated me about us having such a healthy relationship and added I am lucky to have her with me during this difficult time...

I am 6' tall and during the last year have lost 75 pounds by quitting wheat and closely monitoring my sugar intake.  After moving back, I put all my clothes in bags except for the essentials I need for work and gave them away to charity...  Shortly after having told Isabelle my little secret, she took me shopping at La Senza and I bought all new underwear having the plan to ditch all my boxers as soon as I returned home...I did that and it felt wonderful!  Guess I have to start somewhere...

My therapist has pointed me to a group which meets monthly which helps a lot and she also helped me find a new family doctor who has agreed to refer me to an endocrinologist for hormones asap.  This doctor's appointment in on August 12th and I can't wait...

My anxiety is through the roof...

In closing this first of many blog entries, I want to say how grateful I am for having found this site and also how proud and priviliged I feel of having this community from which I am learning a lot and already feeling a lot of love and support...

Thank you tgguide and I hope my entries will help others as much as reading this site has helped me so far...

With love from Gatineau, Quebec...

Roxanne