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It's been a while...

WarrenG

Entry posted by WarrenG

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Hey guys...I know, right? Been a long time...I havent felt like blogging lately. I even skipped out on my youtube videos because I felt like...I dont know. Like they're not going anywhere. Not doing any good I guess? I'm at a loss

I'm back into that feeling like....nothing I do, does any good. All my waiting for surgery and help is wasted. All my optimism and hoping is falsified.

I'm really....really at a loss you guys.

 

I broke my cut-free streak again. I couldnt help it...I've tried so long and so hard to stay away from the blades but it just...got to me. Again. Dont get me wrong, I love my new job! I do, I really really do! But being misgendered all the time...it hurts. Probably more than it should, but it hurts regardless. I feel like I'm doing nothing with my life. That I'm just sitting here wasting away. I dont enjoy doing anything anymore. My intentions with youtube and blogging was to help others thrive and 'be okay' but how the hell am I supposed to do that when I cant do it myself? When every attempt I make seems to just....disappoint? Not even disappoint other people but disappoint myself.

I've started to avoid the FTM top-surgery group I'm in. It's just so....sooooooo so so SOOOO depressing to see all these people posting their post-op photos and how happy and proud they are...and I'm stuck where I am. I'm sitting here suffering, mentally and physically, in my female body. I can deal with not having bottom surgery. F***, I'd be okay if my bust size was like.....a B. Or even a C, maybe. Because I'd be able to hide them better. But this? A 44DDD? It's unbarable!

The binding has started to really really take it's toll...

photo_(7).thumb.JPG.d53cc031f6f9bd8b5790

photo_(8).thumb.JPG.24366a02c783741aeba1And nothing I do seems to help. It makes me want to cry every time I squeeze into it again because it hurts. It hurts so bad and it limits my breathing so much, and my back feels like it's about to collapse every time I remove it because it's compressed the muscles and whatnot for so long during the day. Not even to mention the heat and sweating and unbarable dehydration I keep fighting because of wearing it! I just....I cant take it! It's driving me crazy...

I have my consultation on the 1st of September. I'm so close but so very far...I've already told my boyfriend.

"Justin...if they tell me no, and insurance wont touch it...you'll need to keep an eye on me. Because I cant promise that I'll take it well."

And its the truth...I know I wont. I can promise that I wont. This is so amazingly frustrating and painful and mentally disabling that if they tell me no...if they say we wont pay for it, you cant have it done, you'll have to deal with it and keep binding...I dont know how much longer I will last.

This has literally become a do or die situation. I just...I cant...

I dont know what to do...

Warren

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KarenPayne

I can not fathom what you are going through to the level of anguish you are at now and do feel for you. I hope that somehow you can eventually climb out of this dark place you are currently in.

What I will say is if things don't work out in September do not give up. You need to expand your horizons past your current physical environment (I have said that before) and consider a move to someplace that will be more open to your need to have breast removal.

Next up, and this is extreme, if there is so much pain binding your breast consider not binding them, yeah it's probably unthinkable yet if the physical pain is so unbearable it might be worth trying,  

NOTE: I did not rate or score this blog entry for a reason, how can I "like" what you are going through? If there was "I feel sympathy for you" button I would click it. Does that make sense?

 

Edited by KarenPayne
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Chrissy

Warren,

I agree with all that Monica and Karen said and just want to add one thought about not knowing how much longer you can last without the surgery.

I obviously don't know how it feels going through what you're experiencing, but several years ago I was going through something incredibly, incredibly difficult, it drove me to thoughts of suicide on more than one occasion (really more than thoughts - no overt actions, but it felt far too close).  In one case a thought occurred to me in the midst of those other thoughts - as long as I'm alive there's some hope that things can get better, if I end it, there's not hope at all.

It's a thought that's come back from time to time - it's not the most positive thought, but it was enough to keep me alive.

And I certainly hope you keep sharing your experiences, thoughts and feelings, if nothing else know that people are listening here!

xoxo

Christie

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MonicaPz

Dear Warren,

Gave you five stars for your honesty in sharing your pain.

Felt your YouTube videos were EXCELLENT, and helped many people.  Warren, it is not the quantity, but the quality!  

PLEASE don't give up and keep on sharing those videos!  PLEASE be solution-minded as you have been so recently!

Know you are in a lot of pain, but we all have suffered terrible pain (mine in accepting that I am a Lesbian) and you are in the right place, so that we can support one another.

Feel strongly we all need support from many sources, such as Internet support groups, like TGGuide, counseling, group therapy and face to face support groups.

PLEASE keep that job, as work is therapy in itself!  Am not minimizing your pain, but do everything ONE DAY AT A TIME to help yourself, and then let it go until the next day.  Realize that life can be overwhelming at times . . .

Your friend,

Monica

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