Hiya Christie. I Do Know exactly what You Mean about Insomnia. Mine is More Osteo-Arthritis Related. It Is An absolute sod, when You Need Sleep, and get either very little, or None at All.  Christie Love, You Let off Steam any time You Like ! It Is far better, than Bottling It All up, and Making Yourself ILL !  With Transitioning Christie, You Can be really Proud, of Just How Well You have Already Done, and Just How far, You have come already. You are doing well Young Lady !  I hope Your Shoulder is well on the Mend. Stay Positive Christie Love. Things Will get better, I Am sure. Take Care Christie, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo 

Yeah, I've borrowed a line from Grouch Marx, "I've been sleeping my insomnia off".....................mine is often caused by too much red wine ! & so it's self inflicted and I don't look for any sympathy whatsoever. With regard to "vast empty wasteland", I think that you're wrong, your big moment in life has arrived,, you've had the courage to do something about it, leapt over the first few hurdles, and now your wondering if it's any better than the previous you, have you wasted your time doing this, time was wasted anyway, well I had serious doubts too about my own transition. If you stop to think about it, you've spent most of your life as society has demanded of you as a male, if I have understood anything about you from your blog entries, you weren't ever happy with that state of affairs?. Well you won't be able to instantly delete those thoughts, because you've been mentally conditioned to them by society at large (fitting in with the rest of the flock? so think of most of society as sheep!). You just can't instantly be a new you, but just as teenagers grow up, one day your great as the new you and the next day not so great as the old you............. 

I have entered in my earlier blogs and comments to others that I also had serious doubts at times about my transition, I said that it was like the ebbing and flooding of the tide, and yes, when I had insomnia (not always caused by red wine!) that was when those thoughts used to haunt me, a lot of the time as "what the bloody hell do you think you're doing, you're a bloke for f**ks sake, why do you think it'll be any better as a woman?". Those thoughts were intense and very haunting, but as time passed by, they got less and less like the tide only happened every two or three weeks or so. Yes, when changing identity your mind is full of what you're doing and so it doesn't wander (or should I say wonder?) to the old thoughts.

My advice is, to accept that you're doing the correct thing, see a therapist or cousellor, or whatever you do in the US, if that helps you to think it through, but anyway, the negative thoughts will eventually pass. I guess it's when your mind gets used to your new identity, and at that same time, you will find that you're just doing things unthinkingly as yourself. How can I illustrate that further? perhaps like this, I don't worry about passing, I don't think how would a woman do it, I don't think of myself as as female or male or gender neutral, I just think of myself as me - Eve. It has taken time to get this happy state of affairs.

I've heard many trans folk talk lightly of going through adolescence, they shouild have been much more serious about the subject, it's a very real issue. I hope that these comments help you, during your adolescent period.

Eve xoxo

Hi Christie, 

Having transitioning front and center would seem like the predominant reason for your insomnia and right behind this medication from surgery.

Although when I have insomnia from time to time it's for different reasons, I can't shut my brain off, will lay in bed with my brain very active contemplating a problem associated with a problem (or as I think of it as a challenge) say with writing code for software at work. The thoughts are undeniable in that it's not subconcious.

I am sure for you and many like you there are indeed so many things going on right now that can overwhelm the brain to fold into your new existence as a female. Seeing a doctor or therapist should be at the top of the list for solving the core issue but I recommend adding something into your life that might help take your mind off of all the things weighing hard on your mind.

Having a friend that will stick by your side, do things with you is critical more than you can imagine right now. If you have one, get out with them and do things without dwelling on your transitioning. Go out for walks sometime in the early evening let your mind go free. Most people don't have a diet that is conducive to good health, look at changing yours and remove things in your diet that can cause you too have to much energy in the evening, yeah, been there done the wrong thing and paid for it, usually too much coffee.

If this has been going on over seven days try sleep aids, follow the instructions and see what happens over a two or three day period, if not helping make an appointment with your therapist and talk with them. They will know what questions to ask and your task it to be completely honest with them.

As my doctor told me (and I have written about this), transitioning, including GRS is one of the toughest things a human can do which means we will not come through this larger than life event unscaved, there will be battle scares that take time to heal or not heal which is why having a therapist is essential to your well-being.  

DON'T allow yourself go to that "dark place" in your subconscious because you did not or waited too long to see your therapist (and I have to say this) and don't ever consider self-medicating as unlikely as it may be in your mind. Once the brain latches onto what appears inescapable it becomes hard to climb out of it which leads to things I don't have to write down here. 

DON'T dismiss this as something that will pass if over a weeks time you still can not sleep.

DO address the issue now and prevent permanent mental scares for following you through the remainder of your journey

I have said this before, go to a quite place and self-evaluate yourself. Do I really need to transition? Is this right for me? then we have "I am out, how could I ever move backwards" I think many will think "I must move forward", it's human nature to want to continue and tough it out but that can have us be even in a worst place.

Your at the presupus of a possible new life, outside the door ready to enter into an entirely new world, think long and hard in that quite place as right now my guess is your brain is going into self-diagnoses at bed time because you are not otherwise.

Of course I am not someone who is a medical professional so take my advice with a grain of salt yet at the same time I have been on this Earth for close to sixty years in that I have life experiences of my own and known and read about others that assisted me in what I have said.

Best wishes on resolving the issues behind your sleepless nights   

Thank you all for your feedback 

Now that I'm in front of a computer I feel like I should add some detail since I threw all that out there (I wrote that on my phone last night - I was kind of surprised at how short it looked this morning considering how long it seemed to take to write!)

First, I definitely am talking to my therapist about everything!   Over the past few sessions we've actually move away from transitioning issues a bit - not completely of course, but recognizing that it isn't the only issue that I need to work through.

I think my current malaise/insomnia is a collection of "problems" that are touching on a number of big areas (job, home, health) - none of them individually devastating, but collectively it makes sense that they could drag me down.  They will all resolve over time, hopefully not too much time!  (the job issue should come to a head one way or another this week).

What's compounding the problem is that usually writing in a journal helps me work through some things, or at least reduce their impact.  But I'm left-handed, and my surgery was on my left shoulder - although my hand works fine, I was a little surprised at how much your full arm is really necessary when writing long-hand, and how difficult it currently is.  I think that's contributing to a bottling-up - I could type things, but somehow that never seems to have the same emotional impact for me as hand-writing (even when I'm working on plays I always write the first draft long-hand).

UPDATE - at least one of the trouble spots took a move in the right direction today - it looks like my job transition is on it's way to happening, it's just a matter of figuring out the money (everyone seems to agree that I should get more money since they're adding to my job - it's just a question of how much).  It isn't going exactly as I would have liked (which would have been a clean transition to our marketing department, vs. merging part of that job into my current job), but it's still a great (hopeful) change

Well congratulations Christie, however I think your employers must have studied British methods of taking advantage of employees, I do hope that you get paid what you're worth.

The tone of your two comments suggests that you've started to think a little more positively now. It's surprising how a lack of sleep can give rise to such negative thoughts and emptiness at the same time..................

I hope that you sleep well tonight,

Eve oxo