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A Good Day


JayM

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I logged on here a couple of hours ago to post something, because it's been a few days since I last visited this site. I've been busy at work this week and too lazy to log on in the evenings. And I started reading instead of writing. And then I got totally distracted by a Twitter notification *rolls eyes*

Last week, one of my all-time music heroes favourited one of my tweets and I was beside myself with excitement and glee (I know, I'm easily pleased!)

Tonight it happened again. Different all-time music hero, same effect *rolls eyes once more*

Is it just me? Or do other people do that? (Get excited, I mean, not roll their eyes...)

I wanted to tell someone. I wanted to tell anyone who would listen. "He favourited my tweet! HE favourited my tweet! He read my ****ing tweet!"

Anyway... I took part in that call at work today. The one where I talked to over 100 strangers about being transgender. I was nervous as hell last night (couldn't sleep), worried in case I was going to make a fool of myself. I was nervous as I waited for my turn to speak. And then when I opened my mouth I just couldn't shut up. I talked about some of the things I've already blogged about here - my mother, my brother, my husband, how they accepted me (or not) and how I've spent half my life hiding what I was and how I can't do that any more. I told everyone that I have to be me at work from now on; that I can't hide it any more. It's too tiring; it's too draining to lock it all away. I hinted that I'll probably be transitioning while I work there (and of course that's entirely dependent on whether I get the help I need from the medical profession - I have an appointment next Monday and my husband is coming with me).

After the call, I was flooded with emails from people who had heard me speak. All of them were using words like "inspirational", "brave", "role model" and I felt like a fraud while reading them. How could they possibly think those things when I'm guilty of denying all of this for so long, terrified of how people would react? I can't get my head around it. I was even asked to attend a meeting in December to talk about the subject again in front of a bunch of execs - C-level suits. I quickly declined that offer.

But the best thing to come out of it was an email from a guy I met in February. We attended a course together back then and he had told me how, after years of marriage (to a woman) he had finally admitted he was gay and they had amicably divorced and he had turned his life around. He heard me speaking on the call today and wrote to me to congratulate me. It really meant a lot to me to read his words. Back in February, I had been calling him brave and today he used that word on me. I accepted that word from him, because I admire him. It was him, and people like him, who had made me realise that I needed to do something with my own life and that it was always possible to turn your life around. It's never too late to do something that will help you reach for your dreams.

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That's all so great! The phone call sounds terrifying, but I can kind of imagine getting really into it once you start.

And on the twitter point, I got a reply tweet from debbie gibson the morning I tweeted about my name change, so I know how you feel :)  (I immediately became a teenage girl when I saw it)

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Hiya James. Congratulations. To be able to speak out in front of lots of People, is Very Good going. It Is Never too late, to turn Your life around. I have been very pleasingly surprised, at some of the support, that I have received so far. Transitioning is Not Easy, but, It Is the end result that matters. James, Good Luck, Please stay in touch Young Man. Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xoxo 

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Wow you've really gotten your foot on the acelerator now!, so glad that you're travelling to somewhere you want to go to and be. I'm so glad that I didn't have to do a call when I visibly transitioned (came out) at work, mine was done via an e-mailed letter.

I remember the angst I felt about possibly the biggest decision of my life, but I reconciled myself with thinking, that for over 50 years I'd done my duty to society, by living a lie as a male. Surely I must have earned some time, (the remainder of my life) to be who I want to be, and that somebody was the real me

As you say it's such a burden to keep on living a lie, it comes to the point where you can't carry on anymore.

Eve

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