Oh Jay. I think most of us have these self doubts, if you read my first blogs I often refer to the same and others have have also said similar. For me it seemed like the tide ebbing and flowing, sometimes I'd feel femme, at others I'd ask myself "what the hell do you think you're doing?, you're a bloke, stop all this foolishness, you'll never be a convincing woman¹". I often asked myself when I had those tidal feelings and thoughts, "well do you want to go back to being Steve?" Know what?, I always answered no. The tidal movements of these thoughts, have now stopped, thankfully. Maybe it was the Testosterone blockers helping me, letting the oestrogen do it's magic, who knows, but I am thankful to have escaped a confusing time.

It's good that you realise that it's your own subconscious that is talking to you in your dreams, but what concerns me is that you seem to be deeply worried that your transitioning will hurt other people who are close to you, such as your father. If these people are indeed family and close friends and love you, they will want you to be happy, if they don't they are not friends at all, just people that you know - acquaintances, worried that there may be some social stigma attached to them, because they have you as a friend or a family member. Parents have had their life and have chosen what they did with their lives, that doesn't mean that you have to follow their choices, it's your life, not theirs they have to realise that. You are very lucky to have such a supportive husband, you haven't wrecked his life, and he was & is the closest person to you.

Have you told your father yet, and how old is he? Are their any close friends that you haven't told?²

• ¹However, I have come to realise that whether or not I am convincing, it doesn't matter, I might or might not have transitioned into a totally convincing female, but what I have transitioned into is my true self, this is the most important thing that I have ever realised, I think others can also see it now, if they couldn't at the beginning  of my transition.

• ²I told some friends who were ex work colleagues that I was Trans, this was 9 months or so before my RLE began almost (except for a week) a year ago, we never heard from them again until two weeks ago, when they invited us to their place for dinner in a couple of weeks time. So previous to this, I had thought, oh well lose friends, and gain others, I've obviously lost these as friends. But it seems not so, possibly it takes people time to come to terms with transitioning, that and the quickly changing public perception of Transgender as being quite different to Transvestite / Drag / Fetish etc.

Stay sane and keep positive thoughts in your head, no one ever said transitioning is easy, it takes determination with some measure of desperation in the mix.

Hope that my comments help you,

Hugs,

Eve

Oh gosh, there are plenty of people I haven't told. It's a little daunting when I think about it. But your comments always help me. Thank you.

Jay,

My ex-wife, when we argued or I was depressed, used to say, "It's always all about you."  And recently, in an argument with a rather difficult person at work (also a woman) I heard the same thing. Well, it's not, and dammit, those words are about the most hurtful anyone can throw at us. 

I don't blame you for being pissed for missing your meeting. Your feelings are right on. 

Hugs,

Emma

Thank you, Emma

I have to say that it's such a comfort to find people on this site who get it.

D'oh! Of course you get it - that's why I'm here ffs!

This site, and especially the people on it, have helped me so much lately. A lot. It really does reinforce that I'm not alone - that I'm treading a path that people have trod before me, that there are plenty of people who understand what I'm saying, understand what I'm doing and why I have to do it, that I'm not weird or perverted or a freak. I can't believe, sometimes, just how far the world has moved on. Twenty, thirty years ago, there is no way I would have been able to connect with people who understood. No way.

I have so much gratitude for this place and everyone who has taken the time to read my words and respond.

You're beautiful and I thank you. <3