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Unexpected


JayM

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So, I told my dad and my brother that I am going to transition.

There was the expected silence, and then I waffled a little more to fill in the silence, not entirely sure what I was saying but I knew I was rambling. And then I asked if they had anything to say.

My dad said, "It's your life and I wouldn't dream of trying to tell you how to live it. Do whatever makes you happy."

My brother said nothing, but I did notice he suddenly found the rugby on the television rather fascinating. So I said, "You're very quiet. What are you thinking?"

And he turned to me and had a go at my husband, blaming him. That was totally unexpected and, I think, a little unfair. Admittedly, while I was considering moving out - thinking about splitting from my husband - I did talk to my brother about it. I've moaned about things my husband has said and done in the past, and so it's more than likely my fault that my brother now has a lower opinion of my husband than I'd like. But my brother's words were pretty venomous. Not what I was expecting at all. He blew up, spouted a load of hurtful stuff and stormed out of the room.

I decided not to go after him, having realised that it was probably better to give him some space. My dad said, "Give it time; he'll be alright." Then he told me it's going to take a while for him (my dad) to get used to it, too. He said he wanted to apologise up front in case he still calls me by my old name occasionally, because it's going to be a hard habit to break.

My brother returned and repeated what he'd said previously and then he left the house. My dad and I stared at each other for a while and then we started talking. Initially about my plans to transition and then onto other things. My dad talked about my childhood and how he'd noticed plenty of times that I was never really a girl and how it all kind of makes sense really although he will never fully understand it. He said that all he ever wanted for his kids was for them to be happy and then he talked about his own childhood; about how his parents fought all the time but that they loved each other madly and they loved their children. We did a lot of reminiscing and then he reiterated that he wants me to be happy, before I decided it was time to leave.

I haven't seen my brother since that day. I don't really know how long to leave it before I approach him. But I did receive a message from him where he apologised for the words he'd used. I replied to say it was fine (which it wasn't really but that wouldn't have helped) and that I thought he should concentrate on himself and his family and forget about me for a while. He replied to say it was just a lot to take in. And I suppose that's exactly it. It is a lot to take in. It's a lot to process. I've had forty years to come to terms with what I am and what I was going to do about it. It's only in the last three years, give or take, that I've actually thought that I could do something about it.

People around me have known, to varying degrees, and for varying lengths of time, what I am. But now that I'm actually doing something about it, from their point of view I suppose it's a major shock, and they're facing a new reality that they never expected. It's just that, from my point of view, that happened the wrong way around. I expected my brother to be the one who said, "Fine; go for it." I expected my father to not understand and to be upset and to reject what I said. But to have my father say it's fine and my brother to storm away, well, that was unexpected.

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Hi Jay, I feel so sorry for you and especially your husband, how does he feel after the tirade from your brother, perhaps he'll need some support now?

It's difficult with families, I have a brother who totally ignores me I think we might have spoken 3 sentences in the last 4 years, and I sentence each way to his wife when her father died, whom I had liked a lot when I was Steve, I wasn't invited to the funeral, and that made me quite sad. I think people just put their head in the sand and try to believe that it's not happening, I also think in my brothers families eyes they'd prefer it if I was dead, it wouldn't reflect badly on them then, and it'd provide a neat respectable answer or reason for my not being around. It does make me feel like never ever forgiving them, or talking to them again.........

Well I knew that some doors would close whilst new doors would open at the start of my transition, and like you didn't expect such reaction from close family members, it's really hurtful, but only when I think about it...............

Keep your chin up Jay,

Hugs,

Eve

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Hiya Jay. My Own Wife, does Not like the fact that I AmAm a MtoF Transitioning Transsexual. ( I Came-Out to Her, on 30th. April, 2015. )  Yet She has been cheating on Me, for 2 Year's now, with Other Men, and Other Women. ( She is a Real Hypocrite ! ) If She was supposed to be meeting up with another ( Person ), and They have had to Postpone it, She Will gouge My Arm's with Her Finger-Nail's, out of Spite ! ( She Has been doing that for Year's. She has even gouged My Lower Eye-Lid's, and My Neck, over the Year's ! ).  Jay, there is an old Yorkshire, England saying - "There's nowt so queer as Folk !". Jay, "You can choose Your Friend's, but, sadly, You cannot choose Your Family. Your Friend's, They Are the Family, Who You choose for Yourself !" These expression's, are so Very True !  I want out of Our Home, and Marriage, it may well be in The New Year, now. I Am left to do Most of the household chores, so Family reaction's, They can be horrible. Jay, You and Your Husband, Look After Yourselves, and Each Other. Good Luck, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes to You Both, Stephanie. xoxo 

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Thank you for your words, Stephanie. I understand what you're saying but I'm saddened by reading your comments. You're right about friends being our choice and family not. I chose my husband a long time ago and it seems I chose well. I hope your friends are supporting you properly. Take care of yourself.

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Hiya Jay. Thank You So Much, for Your Kind Words, Young Man. Your Kindness is very much appreciated. I have known My Best Mate, since We were very Young, and We normally telephone each other, 4 or 5 times a week, every week. He and I have been, and always will be, totally supportive, of each other. I have another Good Mate, who is also very supportive. He is Not worried, if, when We meet up, I Am wearing a top or blouse and skirt, or a dress, or ladies leather trousers, or jeans. But, My Best Mate knows about TS/TG People, and so He is totally supportive. I have My 9,Year-Old Son, is My Best Friend, as well as being My Son. He loves Me Wearing lovely Female Clothes, and He has even helped Me to Choose Some, and helped Me buy some.  Jay, I Am so Glad, that You and Your Lovely Husband, are so close. You lucky chap. I hope that things continue to go from strength, for You Both. Jay, as for Family, My Parent's helped to blow Our Extensive Family, right apart, Very Many Year's Ago. I have Not spoken to them since. Through other Family Member's, My Parent's could have contacted Our Children, Their Own Grandchildren, but, They have Not so much, as sent any of Our Children card's, or anything, ever !  They are just too roped up, in Their Own sad little lives !  Jay, Cherish Your Dad. He sounds like a Good Man. My Late In Law's, They were Great as Grandparent's. Sadly, They are no longer with Us, and Both Passed Away, after Serious Illnesses. Jay, I wish You and Your Husband, A Wonderful, Weekend. I Am just on a Bus, on My Regular Friday Evening Journey, to Pink Punters, The L.G.B.T. Nightclub, a few miles away from Home. Jay, Please stay in touch, Thank You So Much, for Your Kindness. Good Luck, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes, to You, and Your Husband, Love Stephanie. xoxo 

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Many people need time and space to reconcile with these matters so it's usually in one's best interest to do so. When I made my announcement to most people the phrase "I am still the same person you always known, that has not changed" was spoken and believe it carried much weight.

Continued best wishes in your journey.

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Hiya Jay, and Karen. Karen, that is One Expression, that I will have to remember. It Is a Simple, but, Effective Expression. Jay, this is the thing about TGGuide, when Lovely Friends, like Karen Payne, give advice like that, which is Great. Karen, Thank You. Jay, and Karen, enjoy the rest of the Weekend, Take Care, and My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xx 

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Sorry if this is contrary to some of the comments above, I don't mean to be controversial or hurt the feelings of others.

But although I said the exact same phrase to people over a year ago "I'm still the same person that has not changed" and to the greater extent it was true at that time, it has now been proven to me that I have changed, I'm not the same person dressed differently, with a different physical appearance anymore. Mentally I have changed enormously, I'm no longer so black and white with my opinions thoughts and actions, I'm now quite mellow and more patient, don't loose my temper anywhere near as much as I used to, my views have changed, my tastes have changed, I'm more open minded and accepting of new ideas, I think differently than I used to. Yes some things are still there such as skills learnt as a male, fast driving, mechanical engineering skills, attention to detail, still like old railways, cycling, walks etc., but now these are complimented with nice gardens, plants, flowers, clothes & apparel, cooking, house and home etc..

However, the phrase, however hollow it becomes in time, is what others who knew your previous existence, want to hear as a consolation..................

Thoughtfully,

Eve

 

 

Edited by eveannessant
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