So I came to the Okc to find myself right? Well, allow me to enlighten you on who I "thought" I was. I'll make this short, or as short as possible rather:p I'm a rock star right, suppose to get those girls with precision and be happy with my life,... complete. The American dream, almost EVERY guys dream. Almost. For years I have never been accepted, taken seriously, or anything else that is suppose to label you "a guy". The controlling member of the human race. For years I have fooled myself into thinking that my crossdressing was just sexual in nature. As in a little "thing" I got from my gay dead beat dad that ran off with another guy when I was only four years of age. Me later getting put up for adoption, but like I said more about that later (cause I have a tendency to ramble:p) But I thought that's where I got it from, I mean it makes since right, dad crossdressed, father like son. Hmm, but I didn't know about him till I was 16 and I was doing that looong before I ever new about him. I prayed to wake up a girl in the morning long before I ever hit puberty if I recall correctly. So I think that throws the "sexual" thing out the window. I don't even do it for that anymore. I used to with my ex, but she was my best friend and totally wanted in on that, lol. So I was only kidding myself "assuming" that it was just a phase.

But back to what I am talking, or trying to get out. I came to Oklahoma to make it in the music biz. Woah, I have to say that again. Ok. I came to OKLAHOMA to make it in the music biz!!! There isn't even a decent music SCENE down here yet alone, an army of patiently awaiting record producers fishing for new talent. I came here for something else. Subconsciously that is. I came to the Okc to find myself. That's it, to find myself. The inner me if you will. Well, I think I bit off a bit more than I can chew, but like that Alanis Morsette song goes, it's highly recommended to do that anyway Character goes a long way trying to find out who you are. Its the point of life isn't it? To find who you are or who you are meant to be, rather. I think people have a tendecy to just "accept" the person society made. I KNOW for a fact that the person I portray everyday to the world isn't the real me. That's a big thing to say about oneself, that you KNOW that you are not who you or anybody thinks you are. I would rather be an individual than be " labeled" by anyone. But labels are obviously "necessary". *rolls eyes* But at the same time, it takes a lifetime to find who you are, and even THAT sometimes isn't even close to being long enough!

So where do we go when we have no one else to trust? God? Family? Yourself? Maybe I sell myself too short, but talking to myself doesn't really get me anywhere. I think i trust myself, and myself tells me to do what makes me happy. I came here to be happy didn't I? Unless finding who you are ends in grief lmao! Which I highly doubt that is the case. But just the same, things aren't working out the way I prayed them to. In fact they haven't even started. I came out to myself about 2 months ago and am still in the same boat as I was. Unemployed. Haha! Me and another 100,000,000 people huh? Yeah, it really blows> I mean I have nothing! I even came down here with a friend, and came out to him and he "supports it but doesn't"... Eh? You either do or don't. But he's the one with the money and is taking care of the both of us, so I don't even have the courage or right to ask him to help me look more how I want to express myself, cause he thinks it's "weird". I just want to find more girls out there like me to help me out a bit. Out there I mean downtown where the actions at. I mean I have yet to personally meet somebody that can help me out. I started, side comment, to tweeze my eyebrows and wow! Haha, if it wasn't for my long hair i' look like a person with really uneven eyebrows. I can't help it tho, I am literally taking this to a new level cause I want to, but have much to learn. Anyways, I think I owe it to myself for lying all of this time to at least "try" right? Even the word try isn't good enough. I owe it to myself to succeed in what I have planned for the rest of my days. And I aim to do it;)

But that's the situation I'm in right now, the short version, lol. Wanting to transition but unable to because of all of that, is nearly making me insane, depressed, and unhappy. But priorities right? Psh! But I owe that much to my friend that doesn't understand. At least. I really hate body hair and he thinks that is the strangest thing! He's like, "Why? Youre a guy so you're going to grow hair..." I simply just tell him it doesn't mean that I have to keep it:p Shaving is the only thing that I can do so far to stay sane, lol. Except my face, which lucky enough I have yet to be able to even start a beard, God forbid!!!

But if you read this, please dont think of it as a call for help more than a cry period, LOL. Things will look up and I'll keep these posted, as this was the first time that I have really ever blogged for real, lol. It's very relieving. And yes! I know that the statement above is a song quote, but it just fit the feel:p Fit the feel, I like that! The song is Closing Time and it's an old fav. But I haven't had a pc for about a month too, so I got on my friends iPhone to keep in touch with everyone. Thanks again for making me feel welcome and I hope to do wonders for our community as we all do just by speaking out. It's hard but knock on wood it can only get better... right?

Kate