stephani

So, you see after Forever I am adding a new blob giggles. Yeah a big pile of blob, why eh I suppose because here is a place just to dribble out some thoughts without disturbing the flow of a thread, or a means to vent without disturbing the flow of the forum. I know that not everyone appreciates my opinions or views on life, wether or not if it has anything to do with transition or not, not everyone will, I respect that, I do. That being said, some times you just want to reach thru the screen and grab the other person and give em a bit of a shaking lol. Ahhhh you twat giggle Smile everyday even when some self absorbed thumb sucking twat struggles through life and wishes to drag you along for the shitty ride. Oops PG nah you know better coming here, yup you do don't you, that's why you read my posts because in the end of it all I will never lie to you why should I I don't expect you to lie to me, if you think I am a blow hard big mouthed deisel dyke who prattles on tell me that because I will tell you your a twat. Smiles and laughs. Thanks Mom and Aunts for my understanding no one wants needs or deserves to be Molly coddled. You know it's been a hell of a trip but in general transition is fine, yeah I wish I had done a few things differently but for the most part, it's exactly what I knew it would be, life in a different pair of pants. Just go live your lives free from the delusion transition will change everything, because it won't, you will change what you see needs to be changed, you will feel it's over when you feel it, no one can control you unless you allow them to. Grow up be an adult and live the last bit of this life you have to it's fullest. And yeah life can beat the hell out of you just drag your butt up and say is that the best you can do well here you go I can take it.

Oh hun, it's becoming ever evident to me that relationships are over rated , for 23 years now I have been a truck driving diesel dyke and at this point of my like I can say proud to be, I have always felt I needed to have " that someone waiting at home " and so I did just that convenient relationships ones that understand I come home seldom and am in no way interested in going out after getting home. Is this fare no I suppose not yet I pay all the bills, do all the household work when I get home and don't want, need sexual interactions, I have gone without for so long I am no longer interested. Is it a bad thing this being alone, set in our ways, I think He'll No, your lists of why you live alone gave me a bit of a chuckle because a lot of the list was my thoughts for me. Connection is a wonderful thing but so is a bit of are you kidding me what the hell adds a lot to ones life, I can get that from co workers, or friends and some times from my beagle Skipper trust me he is a joy, a pain, a wonderful addition, no not everyone wants or needs a pet/fur baby but for some of us just what we need. I am glad to know a bit more about you I love having you just a tap on the screen away, your opinions matter and the site Bennifits from your being here. Hugs hun

Interesting, I have the same feelings about those who criticize or mock or ridicule any one that does not fit into the generally accepted gender binary they are afraid of receiving the same treatment so they often times will not pursue their true want and desire to pursue that in which they desire most, the unknown factor the other gender what ever you or they wish to call it, I myself could care less about their sexual desires ( as far as the male species is concerned ), and since I am in a relationship nor am I seeking the affections of another. It is at times flattering to hear one thing from their mouths then see their true feelings in body and facial expressions, it is really quite comical in my opinion. So to say they who torment those within the nonconforming gender binary are truly seeking affections and responses to increase their self worth and attain some sort of dominant stance over yet another conquest within their lives. Yes I believe this is true enough. Stephani

Welcome, and thank you for sharing your life and plans with us all. Hugs Stephani

(1) give me the basic (without names or using fictitious names) description of the type of relationship you are/were involved in, OK, The relationship Prior to transition for me was one of a woman playing a heterosexual Males Role, unfortunately in doing so for the first 9 Years of our relationship/Marriage I was allowing myself to be physically Raped in the name of Matrimony, after years of self torment I learned to hide the pain away I no longer had to run to the shower within 15 minutes of fulfilling my duties as a man just to try and wash the pain and disgust off of my body ( even though this males body served a purpose I still felt dirty and unclean ) then for the next 8 years I just shut down and went through the motions, fulfilling her needs over mine. But now isn't that what we do prior to transition, fulfill every ones needs, wants, and desires over and before our own needs. Next for The following Two years after coming out to my then partner we had Homosexual relations this being one woman with another woman, Lesbian as it were, the first year I finally felt now this is so much better she stated the same reaction, No more BS, just pure Love for the other not expecting something as a result of the act just enjoying the companionship and the feelings that comes from a true open relationship, then it turned to her pulling away and no longer wanting to participate in such a relationship she wanted a man not a woman yeah it was fun and exciting for a while but as she said she was not a lesbian, easily understandable and I accepted the fact, then towards the end of the second year after the Hormones had really started doing their job she forced me out of the house and thus making me homeless and shortly after out of employment . (2) the gender of each partner (trans-partner has pre transition and post transition/gender identified as listed), I have always Identified as Female, pre and post transition, my partners have always been Female, pre and post transition, my current partner is also MtF yet I see her as Female, she as well has always been Female Pre and Post Transition, I see her only as a woman. (3) sexual orientation of both partners (pre and post transition listed if different), Pre Transition I was forcing myself to be the typical Heterosexual Male, Post Transition I am Lesbian. My partners pre transition were all heterosexual females, post transition my partner has been a Lesbian. (4) years together (pre marriage/civil union and years married/in union), The number of years I was with my Ex was for 20 years, 2 years later I am still trying to save up for a divorce, life ain't no ballroom nor glass slippers, so total 22 years. (5) whether or not you and your partner survived the transition as a couple, To answer that Yes I survived Transition but my Marriage did not, My Ex survived my transition and the ending of our marriage. and (6) any types of aiding devices used by you and/or your partner (please specifically list what type of aid you used and can include but does not have to be limited to therapy with a counselor, peer support groups, social networking, reading books or journal articles). Aiding well giggles No aiding Sexually, Mentally now I sought out a Gender Psychologist and did what every good girl does when she is told she has to follow rules, yeah I followed the rules and in doing so I was claimed and deemed fit to live my life as a woman, yeah to be allowed to live my life only through the rules set forth by Men. What a joke, if your going to start living your life just do it don't wait to be allowed to by another who holds some sort of mystical gift the gift is you giving yourself the right to live your life no one can give that to you but yourself. I hope this aided you in your search for information, I hope to answer many more if for nothing more then comic relief , every thing I attest to is true and in no way should be considered false, I may add a quip now and again but this ol bag of hammers is blunt. Hugs Stephani Paige Ryan

Well the first quest was " ARE YOU GAY?" , my response was well yes I am a Lesbian, her response was " I Ain't!", well then I see problems a bruin is what struck my mind at that moment, but onward and upward we went Two hours of tears and questions.... then months of tears and questions, and then years of tears, and no more questions..... just unanswered sorrows. So your question leads me to believe you have many answers to questions yet asked, Do you? lol, of course you do we all do, will those answers play out to the questions of the answers you should be looking for. I know that the years that I remained with my now Ex has many questions that the answers never matched up to, but what I have learned is that those questions are irrelevant now and need not be asked nor answered. I tried for a long time after my final separation to figure out what I had done wrong in the whole scheme of things the answer I found within my own heart was I had done everything I could have she was gone the moment I openly told her, well not quite that moment because that talk would come seven years after the first time I told her who and what I truly was, ain't that a bite in the tail, seven more years before she would finally listen to me and hear what I had been telling her for years. Question.... What does that Make You Question.... What does that Make Me Question.... Where does this Leave Us Question... What am I suppose to Do Now Question... What are You going to Do Now Question... Are We Staying Together Question... What will You do after You start " Transitioning " Question... What am I suppose To do about the rest of the family Question... What about Your Job Question... Where am I suppose to Live Question... Are You going To Leave Me for a Man(Woman) Question.... Is This Your Way Out Of Our Marriage Question... How Long Have You Been Planing This Question... Why Did You Marry Me Question... You Don'T Think Your Staying Here Do You Ok here's just a start to the list that seems to never end but it will trust me it will end. the next thing you'll see is your partner is no longer walking beside you and more to the side and behind you and your going to ask " why aren't you walking with me " " are you embarrassed to be seen with me ", the usual response, No I am just watching the peoples reactions to how womanly you are .... Yeah watch how twitchy she gets you'll know she's pushing a load your way. Hugs Stephani

Well , Hun .... sounds like the start to a plan , and guess what this is the first truest step to accomplishment of any goal , so Head up and Smile , your taking the proper mind set and starting the process on a great note. OK, now onward I go .... 1. Hormones : those are going to be a while in so dont look for that to happen right out of the shoot , your most likely going to have about 4-5 sessions before that subject is going to start into your process , your going to discuss these things yes but they are preliminary investigational tools for your frame of mind and mind set as far as relistic goals and time scheduals , yep , when do you want to start this that and what is your plan to getting this and that done .... 2. You Need No permission to Be You , transition is mainly a frame of mind and readiness to accept the consiquences of doing so , well since you have the name change it sounds like your frame is set , your realisticly objective to what process' your going to undergo , you may not need to do some but at least your thinking about it , Very good Hun. You want to live the life of a woman like you were meant to , well guess what , You can , Get your cloths , your name changed , your forms of information changed at work and dress appropriatly in said gender role , Guess what You have transitioned ..... I no Simple , Hmm To Simple yet in all reality it is just that LIVING YOUR GENDER , thats trans in a nut shell . 3. Your going to find about 400 postings on Make up tips on You Tube this is a great start but guess what , You only need a few items , eye liner , lip stick , foundation liquid or mineral both are good both in closest color to your skin tone , powder in your closest skin tone, mascara , eye shadows , brushes and spunges for application , thats it , basic . 4 . hair styles well that is going to be a discovery process , through out your transition , I change my hair color about 2 times a year , I change the lengths and style about 5 times a year , just goes with my mood . 5. before starting hormones I will tell you now you need to get as much of the wieght off , once you start and get balanced and regulated your going to find it a real B to get it off , and it will slip on really easily , so if you weigh 210 and your 5' 10" then idealy your looking for initial loss of 30 lbs , then level out your going to need the fat for redistrabution your body is going to change how fast and how much is Genetics and age , your young so better off then a great many of us oldies ... LOL , ok while your getting your levels in line your going to want to maintain here is where it is going to start to be easily put on and Very hard to get it off , Ideal T level under 10 , Estridiol level of a male is at top range 57 , a womans is Higher up to 90 , so tests sould be done Now your T and Estridiol levels also your othe labs I have a post around here some were on tests needed and such just look for it . 6. facial features are going to change for you , so dont stress over FFS this you may need a couple little tweeks but at your age your going to have it alot better once again then many of us oldies . your going to want to give it Two years , this is about when many aspects are all done as they will be , face , Breast grouth , body shape , hips, butt , legs , arms , muscle density , muscle mass , skin texture , loss of body hair , thined facial grouth ( but it is going to be there so get some laser done ) . so worry about , the daily things right now , clothing , walk , talk , interaction , Bathroom edicate , VOICE . 7. You may find you may be happy with just the first steps within transition and decide to not have SRS , You may feel stronger Later to have it done , start saving , average cost $50,000 , start saving . if you need help with finding doctors PM me I am a creature of habbit and I have alot within my data on this thing , LOL . I will find you some one to start out and get the ball rolling . 8. Doctors are a B all in their own so be patient with all your Doctors , Endo , PCP, Psychologist ,the basics as well as Your Lab work , Yeash look for the first two to be at three month then six month intervals , may at first test second month to check so Labs are about $450 if you dont have insurance if so I have the Diagnosis code some where around here , Basicly tell them to code it as a Hormone Imbalance and the Insurance will pick up the costs . 9. So your looking at 1 year of psycotherapy , at this time you should get you recomondation papers (Two) , 15 months on Hormones , 2-6 years to save for SRS, FFS, Breast Augmentation , average cost after all is said and done $100,000 , or Just LIVE YOUR LIFE IN GENDER ROLE , and slowly get things done or get a sponsor to help finance the surgeries , or save like we all do . I hope some of this helped , Lets talk more later after the sticker shock hits and sinks in , Man its a high price to pay to be Who You should have been born as , This is what the medical field has set up to keep all the Not so believers out of the process , its long its hard at times and it costs , But ARE YOU WORTH IT , I KNOW I AM AND WAS , I think you might Find This to be the case for you as well . Hugs Stephani

Have No fears Hun , Your Blogs will be read and though many will never message they are thinking and pondering the very issues that you are bringing up within your writings , I look forward to reading and Trust me I will be sure to enter a line or two if I feel your in a need of some Motherly advise ... LOL , I am a little out spoken I am sure you have came across many of my postings and as well many of the other moderators and admins , we do try to maintain a pressance , LOL. Any ways Hun I want to thank you please Dont drop your Bloggin IF I have found one thing out it is to make sure to put down your thoughts it helps others and as well helps your self , you may come across your posts at a later date and giggle a little or cry because it was such a hard and precious moment that you had a large amoun t of emotion reflected within that post , so Keep at it hun it helps. Hugs and Welcome Stephani

I thought about that as well , as you know and so many who transition know this aspect of transitioning is an often unsuspected or unrecognised aspect that many if not most will have to confront in the process of cross gender transition or even complete gender transition . I felt it my responcability as usual to raise the topic and show personal aspects that this is not an singular aspect to one but like many other aspects we all share in these sort of aspects as a community . I may have had a some what easy and consiquently short transition as well but even after I still struggle as do so many . As you know this is just one of the more significant issues we will all deal with at some point .. I have noticed a trend as of late and thought hard whether or not to write this . I wrestled with it because is the subject a bennefit or a hinderance to helping the forum and new members . Or will it force so many to perge only to be back in an even worse situation. I wrote this to emotionally perge realities that I have come to understand within my life , as so many I strive for harmony yet find none when striving for it , yet when I stop and live within my life alone the Happiness and internal joys shine , this perplexes me and I struggle once again , such a vissous cycle that wears on me and so many as well , i suppose the premis of the post is that no matter how badly we want our lives to become compatable we have to often simply move forward knowing we will never forget our past but we must step forward . In my new life I find total acceptance without predudice to my past , but when I remain with those from my past I am often subject to the life I once lived and not allowed to live fully with my new life . This is the brick wall I have struggled to over come and am finding out that no matter how much work I place in removing the barrior there is simply more barriors behide . Conclussion = step back catch my breath , rest and turn to those who have no vested interest in my past only within our futures. If you would like to move this over for me please feel free , just more then my phone will allow lol or I would , guess I can Later .

I thought that I would go ahead and add a new entry To My Blog , Possibly Just to get some of this out . Ok , Well for the Last Six Months I have been Attempting to Clean up the life that I had lead before I Transitioned , This is no small task , there are simply so many loose ends that one must over come after transition if you had done so during a Marriage . I often think it might have been so much easier just to have left and hid away within the vast country that we live in , then again , I have also had thoughts of Just moving to another country all together , would this fix the problems of the past life , No .... They will still follow , we all have to release the ties and some of them are tied to our hearts with deep Entangled knots that take some time to work apart I Strain to keep up with the realities that face me on a daily basis and the Mess that prior life held , so often they over come each and become a tangled mess that must be sorted though before we can move forward to the next bit that we find still needs attending to . I have tried to make the two compatable and in harmony with one another but you know what I have found , The Two shall never become compatable nor a coheasive organization of life expieriances , they simply cant coinside with one another just life I could no longer coinside with being that male that I was defined as at my birth , and the Woman that truelly resided within that body . Its a saddening thought that no matter what the truth is that our old lives can not come along with us on our new lives , it must be released all those ties that bound us to that life need to be Broken or Cut , they will continue to entwine within the new and make for a life of even more troubles then we would have within the old or within the new , I have no way of knowing why I cant make them work but at every step the fight is stronger then I am , this has caused me to become within this Darkened Place that we or maybe just I have lived for so many years . My nights consist of darkened Nightmares that cause me to have to take A Very Strong Anti- Anxiety Medication . I hate being tied to Medications , yet with out them I am affraid I would Go to the darkened place I am so affraid of , as some of you know Last year I had Two Major Nervious Breakdowns , that took some time to over come , Yet Here I am Back on the verge again , More so my Psychologist is yet again Worried about me , She isn't the only one , I worry and it leads to greater anxiety and depression , which is a visious cycle , So Difficult to come out of this one , Yet I still Fight , I still Struggle For My Life , I still Fight for My Sanity , it isn't better nor will it become just because Of Transition it has all just taken a new form , a form that hides the new and the old , a form that must be worked through so I can Step out into my life and not the life that the two have existed within , it is not easy But I find it an obtainable goal , I may be worn down and about to fall upon my knee's but I have been there before and I have been able to rise so once again I Fight for my life , I fight For Stephani . No one from My Past will forget nor move forward , so My only options are to Move forward without them , each and every Heartbreaking event that I cross and cut though will be a victory not a loss , I will win this battle and No matter what I will Win My Life . I cant say this action will work for others But I am understanding by every twist of the clocks hands that no one wishes to live within my life they wish for me to live within theirs , and this is my life not theirs so I have to move on even though it is Painful and heartbreaking my life has to move forward the staggnet bogg that was my life is slowly moving behind me I still find it trouble some to move forward but I still do make steps to a life that I create and not one that was writen for me . Hugs Stephani

I am Curious , What is the sence of Urgency ( I know the answer I want to hear it from YOU) I will be waiting to hear back we have alot to discuss .

Welcome Hun , Let it flow hun thats what the Blogs are for , let your thoughts flow through your fingers and open the minds of others with your thoughts .. Hugs and again Welcome to TGGuide Stephani

Welcome Hun , and it is all good when it comes to writing in the forums or the blog area , you have questions and they will seem to grow as you move along your transition , feel free to ask questions , post thoughts and make entrees on your blog , we find a many spendid thing be that of comunicating when others understand what it is we are going through . Hugs hun and all the best. Stephani

We all have our moments hun , hee hee I am a terrible procrastinator and then I go over board when I am feeling I should have taken care of what ever I put off . A good idea though , hope it works and you are excited with the results. Hugs Stephani

Ok lets get down to a few things First passports go to each and print off Fill in required fields on passport application first before you print it off Use info to help you support your request from your doctor Take required info and documents to local passport office Pay them , and wait for the new passport to show up . A. http://travel.state....tml#DS11Instruc B. http://travel.state....1/ds11_842.html C. https://pptform.stat...nline+%26+Print D. I will add when I post this as PDF file it’s the doctors approval letter for use for passport that I wrote up for mine to fill out ( side note enter the name you are changing it to first and as , then legal current name second ) gender to match what you are changing it to not current legal ( unless Post op then you should have had all this done already lol ) . the pdf i add should be around here some where lol ... Passport doctor apprroval letter.pdf E. http://www.state.gov...tion/143160.pdf Ok I know it looks like a lot well it really is not . Make sure to print off these for your records and for the doctor and passport office . 　 　 Now onto social security Card , easy peasy stuff here . A. http://www.socialsec...snumber/ss5.htm Shows a PDF download to fill out for new card . Download it fill in required fields . You can use the one I attached as PDF for reference if you are unsure. Here’s the PDF file if you cant find it http://www.socialsec...online/ss-5.pdf Required information you need to take I am adding a pdf file so you can see how to fill this out .. social security.pdf http://www.socialsec...mber/ss5doc.htm Ok there you all go just hope they help , you will notice i put passport at first position , thats because with it you can get other stuff easier , I did not post on drivers lisence because each state is differen , but for a FYI missouri requires only birth cert or passport and social security card , i have heard they wanted a piece of mail with current address and your name on it . ( your new name not old one ) enjoy Hugs Stephani