Today is a very laid back day.  We stopped in at the doctors office to follow up on my lab work since I didn't get the call that the order was put in (The computers were dead at our doctors the day we went, my prescription made it the pharmacy but Nikki's didn't, they were struggling so hard) and no one called like they said to tell me I could go in whenever.  And sure enough the order wasn't in the computer, so the receptionist left a note for our doctor to enter it.  And follow up making sure Nikki's referral got through the computer craziness.  Because after crash coursing on the transgender experience, I also was crash coursing on transgender issues, and it's really scary.  Knowing Nikki suffers depression and has anxiety attacks, it makes me really scared with him not being in counseling to help him overcome those.  He doesn't exhibit any signs that he's a danger to himself, but I have a really paranoid brain and I just get flat out scared of things sometimes.  

Then we had lunch, and now the best part has started.  Lounging around the house lazily.  Not going outside into the cold.  It is so cold outside that when I left work I actually started crying, my eyes just filled up and flowed over because I was so cold.  That was a WEIRD moment.  I dream of palm trees and beaches in Florida, but with our current situation that's really not practical.  But we dream, right?    I don't even know why I love palm trees so much, they just make me happy as long as they are actual trees and not creepy neon plastic ones.  This week is beginning to make me feel like I have some kind of weird feelings about plastic in general.

Nikki is still in an up mood, and if it's just from the relief of not having to keep secrets from me anymore like a sort of honeymoon phase, I'll take it.  Please good mood last for him as long as it takes to get into the counselor!  I do like seeing Nikki happy.  Tonight we plan to take the mmo raid scene in our guild by storm, we missed the last couple of weeks on the nights Nikki is working on collecting items to make a weapon because we were doing so much talking and sorting out and redefining our marriage.  I'm now of the opinion that everyone should have a sit down every five to ten years and intensely talk about how the marriage is working and what they want from it.  This redefining period has really helped us bridge a lot of issues for both of us and improve the overall experience of living in it for both of us.  I'm so grateful that I have a really adaptive personality in general, and was able to be what Nikki needed once he'd given me the space to absorb and wrap my head around it.  In our early years Nikki always needed to have every problem solved RIGHT NOW and my brain just doesn't work like that.  I need time to absorb the issue, and even identify what my feelings about it ARE let along be able to articulate them and express concerns that can be 'solved'.  Usually between 1 hour and three days, depending on how complicated the subject is. 

There are some things I can't adapt to.  I have found the line between being able to adapt to a new thing and knowing I don't want to be part of a thing.  I was in a relationship with a really nice man, it was a newish relationship, and he was up front with me that he was a big participant in the adult baby world and I needed to know if we were going to persue spending any more time together.  He gave me resources to see and understand what it was. I took a few days and looked at all of them, and I understand it intellectually, but I couldn't participate.  I had a very strong 'I did my trenches in the diaper wars years ago' emotional reaction, and wasn't sad that they were gone.  I couldn't imagine my life centered around a perpetual infant-parent interaction, even though I could understand the need for nurturing that people who do participate have.  So I told him honestly I couldn't participate and while I really liked him it was clear I was the wrong person for him, and we parted on good terms.   That's how I know Nikki's reality is something that I"m not playing with because it's new and I"m trying to hold on to what we have at any costs.  I know the difference between trying to force myself to fit and realizing a new thing is okay and I just have to work on making some adjustments.  Somewhere after that marriage I let nearly kill me I learned to finally have a strong sense of self, and who I am, and what I can touch and what I can only intellectually understand.  That is making this period relatively easy for me.  So is the normalization that occurred from my Rocky Horror and anime convention periods of seeing men in full women's dress all over the place.  Which ties into something I posted on the forums, exposure is a huge factor in acceptance, or in some cases at least respect.  I respect ex boy and his choices, even if I couldn't join him, because he exposed me in a positive way that let me understand.