So now that I'm adjusting, there are some real upsides to being married to Nikki (specifically for me, or someone genderfluid in general).  I was talking to my freind Kate about all this and explaining why it was unrealistic for me right not to be able to attend her wedding in June adn she should give my spot to someone able to go (her guest list is really tight, and better she able to invite someone who could potentially enjoy it) and I thought I would put these things down here.  This is about the upsides for ME with the new things in our life. 

- He's really learning to talk to me about everything, all his feelings and share his life experience with me.  I don't feel like I'm looking in the window from outside anymore, because the secrets are gone and communication and closeness has taken over, and I get more from him than most of my friends are getting from their cisgender spouses, even if it's taking time while he learns to share feelings that don't have language-thoughts ready already in his head.  Because he's learning to lean on me for support with his gender feelings, he's learning how to be there to support my feelings much better than he ever did, and he was already rather good at that. 

- He's really helping me out with my clothing.  I look much better in general, so I feel better.  He has a much less biased opinion of me than I do.  And he doesn't mind my crooked face.  Gah, even taking about my face makes me stupid unhappy.  Next topic.

- Nikki is studying youtube to be the official makeup artist of the house.  HIs art skills and innate talent suit him to this far better than anything I can do.  And I LOVE the feeling of him taking care of me physically like that.  SCORE!  And him doing it allows me to disconnect from my face and focus on the joy of touch and care instead of triggering what happened in the above point.

- Nikki has awesome hair that I get to play with, and yes, it IS sort of like having that barbie head when I was a child, but getting to experiment and style with Nikki's hair is a LOT of fun.  I think I"m going to fill in the houses hairdresser position, although he's going to have to help me with some styles I like but am too awkward to do evenly.  He let me do his hair up similar to mine today with my newly re-acquired pony flipper (my absolute favorite hair accessory ever!) and he likes the result.  I wonder if he liked me taking care of him phsyically the way I like him working on me? 

- The intimacy has some really fun perks.    But more importantly, doors have opened that one or both of our disorders closed to experiment with, because the increased emotional closeness makes it feel safe and okay.  And I've had fun exploring new things with Nikki. 

- My skin is loving the lack of hair on his.  We've made great strides in that arena, and it's doing wonders for me.  Excema is awful.  Don't get it.

- We're dieting together, which is making it better for both of us.  He's also really realistic about the costs of things, and is keeping his spending on things that he will outgrow as he loses weight small.  I know he'd ultimately like the breastplate kind of prosthetic, but those are really expensive to keep replacing as his body changes, so he compromised on the ones we have until he stabilizes down the road. 

- He's going to therapy for his depression, and has stop putting it off.  YAY!  Happier Nikki is great for me. 

- He's spending a lot more time with me.  I think he was so sublimating the stress and venting it in the cyberworld that there just wasn't much left for me.  But now that I"m included, and he's able to dress and vent off his stress that way with me and having me involved, there is a lot of time for me.  I'm really grateful for that. 

- He understands and deals with my freakouts (I get anxiety attacks that this is the calm before the storm and he'll need hrt/surgery and our life will fall apart.  I try not to, but I can't seem to control that.  It will settle with time, I keep forgetting ti's only been about six weeks since my life changed), and works with me to overcome the brain-sensory input issues that crop up from interacting with him dressed.  I will never love them when I have touch them directly, but I have accepted the plasticly feel of the breast forms.  But I do much prefer to handle them under a bra or shirt, where they feel real and not creepy plastic.  There was a breastplate that advertised textured silicone skin instead, when his weight is more stable I might have to get him that for a christmas gift or something.   He's firmly supportive in that I'm not collateral damage or any of the worse terms, and that we're going to stay places like this forum and find a support group that is friendly to us as a marital unit living in the gender fluid world together.  I may be cis, but I do embrace his fluidity and am doing my level best to embrace and support it, not just live with it, because it's who Nikki is.  There are learning curves, but I'm doing well!  Or so Nikki tells me.