Nikki's blood pressure is refusing to cooperate.  It's still high, and they managed to conquer mine even.  I don't know if he's stressed out under the depression and unable to really feel it to deal with it, or if there is something more serious going on.  I know it sounds early to worry, but Nikki has a history of a minor thing suddenly becoming a health crisis.  So I worry.  Cuz I can't imagine being without him.  He's made an appointment with her after briefly discussing antidepressants, she wants a full appointment and to talk to his therapist before she helps him choose what to try because she was quite clear that being sure that there are no early warning signs of a variety of conditions matters, to avoid actually making him feel worse.   I love her, she's very clear and open about things.  And actually looking to help.  So that will happen in about a month. 

And didn't look at me funny when I abruptly ran out of the room to get to a bathroom, my cycle does weird things to my digestive system.  She changed my blood pressure stuff due to the coughing, because the one I"m on can cause that, but it should clear up in two to three days if it's the pills.  Please go away now cough, changing prescriptions is easy and preferable to something being wrong with my throat.  She was a little worried about the heartburn, but it's ONLY just after I cough, and only lasts a minute or two.  So acid reflux was tentatively ruled out.  And I did hit the target blood pressure.  Apparently I'm reasonably healthy!  Go me.

I'm persona non grata at work.  There was A Letter.  Basically, my aunt who is my immediate boss and office manager is retiring.  So she's leaving.  But Mark's smoking is becoming awful, in addition to the generally toxic nature of the place, so I'm leaving sometime between June and August.  Originally they had a plant hat she was going to keep working part time and I would to, but the schedule she wants to force on me didn't work at all for Nikki and he wasn't interested in me vanishing into that place so told me to quit after we hit a few more financial goals.  So they have to hire a new full time person to replace us, and Jan was honest about the smoking issue, and the staffing place wrote us a letter on why they are unable to help us until it's resolved.  So many liabilities whether they get a smoker or non-smoker.  SO somehow this is MY fault, and smoke addict is ignoring me unless absolutely forced to deal with me.  On the one hand, insulting.  On the other, it's more peaceful.  Pros and cons.  

Had a conversation with Nikki when I realized all the dressing and needs conversations we've had were focused on or around the depression crisis.  Which is fine, immediate needs must be addressed first, but it also occurred to me to realize that eventually he's going to get better.  He's putting all in with conquering this, and I believe in him and his natural happy state.  So...he will recover and regain himself and his emotions.  So...what does all this look like then?  No promises, no bans, no rules, just a conversation about what he thinks it might look like in the interest that this is the rest of my life, and I'd like a sort of vague directional marker where it's heading.  He asked if the crossdressing doesn't go away is it a dealbreaker, and I'm like no, I'm not really expecting it to go away, I just wanted to know what it all would look like.  What changes in our current need/stress driven routines did he think would fit in with his life the way he remembers it being, with the understanding that I am just exploring the topic and not expecting a cast in iron polaroid photo.  It was nice. He was relieved, but said that once he was okay again he'd put it back in the box if I needed him to.  And I just didn't.  Six weeks ago I would have looked at myself like I was nuts, but I really did adjust to all this.  So it can stay, it's welcome, let's just figure out how it works when it's happy instead of sad.  I like happy better.