So my back is killing me today, I slept wrong the night before last or something.  You know, when you just wake up and your back says "#$&& no!".  My natural instinct is really to find a comfortable position that doesn't hurt, and stay there.  Until it heals up.  But what the doctor told Nikki last time he did this was that the fastest way to realign the back and heal the problems is walking.  And it's taking all my willpower to ignore my instincts and listen to her.  But every hour I'm getting up and waddling around the house whining about how sucky my life is today.  Nikki said it took a few days before it cleared up fully.  I honestly can't tell you if it's helping or not, I don't know if I just WANT to believe it's a bit better or it is. 

I often face the same dilemna in my head, instinct vs. medical.  I know what my body dysmorphia is and what not to believe that it's telling me, but I still act on it all the same despite rationally knowing better.  Like the other day I only walked half normal at the park because it was homecoming and I was surrounded by gorgeous, symmetrical girls in pretty dresses doing photography, and it stirred up the obsession over every flaw and intimidated the hell out of me so I made Nikki take me home.  You don't win every day over your disorder, ya know?  Some days ya lose.  And that's okay, because I went back and plugged at it again.  I think people here can understand my feelings better than most.  I don't think it's the same, but I think there is a lot of crossover in emotional fallout of dismorphia vs. dysphoria.   And I understand Nikki and my freinds.  I may not understand the details, but I do understand pain.  And details can, and are, being learned.  It's funny how connected unconnected things are sometimes.

And then I realized that I made progress i wasn't aware of again.  Because I did go back, instead of hermitting up for ages.  I didn't used to do that.  I used to lose the entire war, not just a day's battle.  And now I"m not.  I haven't won the war, but I did get a little closer.  And I put another brick in the wall that is my happy.  I"m not generally happy because it comes easy or naturally, I'm generally happy (with the odd rage or sad day, I have a lotta issues and ugly history still playing out in my head, let's be real) because I built the wall of happy.  One brick at a time, one think to elate over and then the next, and the next, til the wall got high.  Sometimes holes get knocked in my wall, and it's a terrifying moment where I think the whole thing is just GONE, but then I realize it's just a hole, and the rest of the wall is fine, and start patching that hole. 

I didn't understand when I was young what people meant by happiness is a choice.  I didn't understand yet about pespective, choice, and deciding what I was going to obsess over.  I wasn't happy when I was younger, I was just kinda lost and no idea where to go to get unlost.  I was REALLY resistant to my doctors and therapists, because I had convinced myself they were wrong.  Like all teens/early adults, "I KNEW BETTER!".  Only I didn't.  They really did know better, and when I started to listen and try to understand what I was being told I got better.  And knew how to recognize the doctors and therapists who didn't understand what I was trying to relay to them from those that did and could help me. 

Today I just need to focus on that wall, walk even though it hurts, and be a good turtle.  Anyone who reads this and it resonates, I'd be happy to help you find that first brick.  That first one, it's small.  It took me years to notice it.  The bricks get bigger, but that first one, it's tiny.  Easy to miss.  Mine was realizing I was good at organizing the group Assateague camp trip.  Everyone had fun at them (Save one guy that no one could save because he wouldn't tell anyone he'd never camped before and went on a fairly challenging environment island).   There were no problems, and I sorted it all out, got everyone their reservations, organized people into carpools so we had less vehicles, sorted people into tent shares so those who didn't own gear could partner up and enjoy the trips, and it all went well.  And things that didn't were minor, like me running naked out of a tent to get away from a snake.  *blushes*  Will NEVER live that moment down.  But they did get the snake out for me and searched every inch to be sure.  LOL   It was an easy brick to miss, overshadowed by the minor things that went wrong like that, and the time I accidentally took a camp shower in sun tea, or burned some food.  But once I found that first brick, I started to see more lying scattered around in my my head, and put them together to make a little wall, that has grown for years.  That first little victory and overcoming my add to get something done well, it was a real, tiny brick.  And it's still in that wall.