Crazy times.  Things have been better inside my head since cutting my dad and his toxicity out.  It's been two months since anyone called me or my son stupid, loser, and waste of life.  That's a plus!   I had a total panic meltdown a couple weeks ago, I woke up around ten, (I still have that ongoing insomnia, and sleep very late at ngiht to late morning) and went down the stairs, and something wasn't right.  The air felt...wrong.  A little damp, a little too cool.  And then I noticed a light pattern on the floor below me as I'm walking down the stairs that didn't make sense, it coudln't possibly be there unless....pause...no way...I'm confused clearly, because it's ten am and I'm alone in the house until one and there is NO WAY that the front door is open.  So I creep down the stairs, peer cautiously around the edge of the stairwell...and...run like a lunatic back upstairs, lock myself and the dog in my bedroom, barricading it with a dresser and calling 911 cuz yup, it's WIDE OPEN and I don't know if I"m alone in the house.  Fortunately it appears Nikki, despite the usual paranoia about it, forgot to lock it and it blew open.  But man was the adrenaline flowing that morning! 

So the day after that improved greatly, Nikki took the week off before his crazy overtime season started, and we just spent it together doing whatever seemed fun at the time.  There was a lot of pokemon go hunting, I have managed to appease my fitbit five out of seven days last week.  So far this week fitbit appeasement has occurred 3 out of 7, I might have to up it's demand level.  But it was a lovely week of just...reconnecting. 

We went to a public Halloween Pokemon Go costume, and he wore a female costume and had a great time.  We had dinner after, and he was a big hit there too, and it was lovely getting to go out and do things with people and Nikki being comfortable about it.  We've been out to restaurants in other towns, Nikki still harbors fears about the violence rations on trans people, so very much closeted in general locally still.  Nikki is definitely some kind of bigender, gender fluid, some word not yet put into use.  There are days where he's REALLY male inside and out, and days where he's REALLY female, inside and out, and sometimes cluing me in gets forgotten and it's sorta like a word puzzle, which mode are we in today?  I confess, some days I"m just really confused, but that's okay too.  I was really confused before I knew trans was a thing in my house, living with other people no matter what the details is one of the hardest things in the world.  One of the most rewarding too if it's a healthy, mutual relationship, be it family, roommates, freinds, lovers, spouses, whatever.  All the things they never told me about the art of living with other human beings though...

It's kinds sad really, that anyone would think they have a right to care about what hes wearing/presenting/feeling to the point that they would commit violence. I don't get people.  I suppose I unconsciously expect others to behave like I do.  When I don't like a person or thing, I try to tactfully disengage.  I don't generally want to cause harm to people, and just generally want to go my own way.  I have brushed up against things in the world I don't want to be part of, but I respect other people's right to be and just want to find the nearest exit.  There's room for everyone but people who serially harm others. 

I had a brief moment of insanity and printed out an extra copy of the professional cruise photos I was filling photo frames with here at home and gave them to my mom who is always bugging me for pictures (take and print your own lady!) and as usual no good deed goes unpunished.  *headdesk*  I think I still willfully blind myself to reality sometimes and expect her to act like a person, especially since I'd been forced to give up on dad and stepmom entirely.  Delusion, thy name is Briannah. 

However, staycation is now over, and 10 hour days six a week (and eventually 7 a week) have begun, and not surprisingly Nikki is either working, eating, or sleeping.  I just try to be quiet and out of the way during this time of year.  It does get a little lonely, I admit.  My son comes over to watch movies with me often during this time of year so I have someone to talk to.    He's a good kid. 

Aunt wants to do Tbird day (so sad, I make a better bird, and I LOVE turkey) because she does a lot of church things and doesn't want to have to cook on Christmas, so I sat down and webcrawled, and have finally settled on a holiday menu I'm going to test drive this weekend when a friend is visiting us to make sure it's as tasty as the pictures look.  Pineapple-brown sugar slow cooked spiral ham in the crock pot, sausage-apple cornbread dressing, french onion roasted red potatoes, steamed vegetables, and fresh baked rye bread.  I know, I skipped out on the yams, but mom is a diabetic in denial, and I think sugaring both potatoes and the ham is Really Bad Idea.  I used to be so busy trying to balance work, Grandma's care, and my home life that I just fly by nighted holiday dinners, then Nikki's dyshtymia took hold and it didn't really matter if i tired or not he was blah about it, and i just got lazy.  This year he's feeling so much better, I'm doing my level best to channel my inner festive and plan ahead and do something impressive. 

And I've discovered pinterest!  There are cool things out there!  I know, I'm late everyone else in the world knows Pinterest.  LOL  But I just found it.  So now I'm knee deep in xmas decor projects to support my awesome dinner attempt.  Ambience!

So that is what I've been up to, how have you all been doing?  Fill me in!