I'm having one of my best friends over to see the my new house, the first person I've had here other than the two coworkers that helped us move.  Shes' one of the reasons I wanted to come here, so we'd be close enough to hang out more than twice or three times a year.  And I'm realizing my job has had a deeply negative effect on some of my behaviors.  I know I will enjoy the visit, it will be fun, and still I'm dreading it like mad.  I have this antisocial streak lying underneath a need for company.  I don't even understand my own brain sometimes.  I had mostly gotten it under control, able to realize rationally that I WANT to spend time with people and will have a blast.  And if something happens (the weather is really poor today) I will be slammed with an equally intense feeling of relief and crushing disappointment.  How the heck does my brain process like this???

But the last year, between the hours of the job, not being able to have people over because staying with my odd hoarding mother and then having to get things organized here, I think I reinforced my old habits of solo activity and hermitism.   I'll just have to do to the work, again.  It's a good reminder that disorders and deeply ingrained policy traits can be overcome, but never really 'cured', and you have to nurture the better behaviors.  I seem to have forgotten that.  Meanwhile, I guess I'll just grit my teeth and get through it until she arrives and the joy mode clicks ins.  

I really don't know why I do these things to myself, but at least I do better with living with them now than I used to.  That's hope.  

Nikki is really excited to have a guest, that helps.  He put a TREMENDOUS effort into the living room, and wants to show off his decorative flair.  I pick a few things I like, and then he sorts out the spatial layout and relations to each other to make it look good.     He's always been better at traditional 'woman skills' than me.  Which reinforced my childhood lived experience opinion that people should be allowed to be who they are, not told what to be based on their bodies.   Going through figuring out what it all meant the day we first had the conversation about 'Yes, i'm going to stop lying about it, I'm transgender" changed a lot of things, both in him, our marriage, and in me.  I'm finally at ease with my internal lack of the resonence with the stereotypical american female.  I hate clothes shopping, I hate makeup, I'm okay with cooking but hate cleaning, and live for video games, table top rpg gaming, and other random things men like.  And now I'm finally okay with that, I didn't realize til we started having the discussions of what it all means that I'd always been really uncomfortable with the feeling at odds with the role that had been hardcored forced on me as a child by family and the shcool system because of my sex.  I'd internalized it.   Rejected it and did what I wanted, but at the same time internalized it and let it negatively impact my self-esteem.  Trying to care for Nikki's self-esteem all these years, especially the last few when he was most vulnerable, has repaired some small amount of the boudler sized damage mine has.  But it's a start.  Hope again I guess. 

I feel weirdly naked after this post.