Let me just add, anunitu, that you bring another dimension to this blog. You are certainly more prolific than many of us-- I speak for myself. Maybe that springs from isolation, Emily Dickinson comes to mind. BTW, in case I missed it, what part of the world do you live in?

i am in new jersey north nj in fact i just woke at 5 am,so still a little foggy but now more awake and glad for your input,please feel free to let me know if my words convey an understanding about this our common journey.

i woke at 3am,and have tried to return to sleep,but it evades me for now,i was hoping to see someone log on,but i fear they will continue to stay offline. i do not connect to many people generally because i need to keep myself from becoming to placing to much importance in people and people are at times toxic for me,myself not having strict boundaries on my emotions and expectations 

my isolation is also my protection even when i wish connection to others so,i might seem aloof at times because i am keeping my distance for that reason.

i do know i tend to ramble and that was called on another site,talking in tongues after i mentioned my being pagan in belief that was the only reason given when that site banned me as disruptive in chat,no other reason was given ever. long story was i was befriended by one mod who knew what was going on behind the scenes on that site i did appeal,but was ignored when i asked for a more complete reason for the ban,none came but it seemed to have been my mention of my beliefs. i will not name the site because i do not feel that would be productive at all. that mod has since left that site and has become a very close friend she is a non op mtf,the non op being an age and health related issue she was the only one on that site to stand up for me in the whole process, because she knew i was being rail roaded for reasons not clear at all. she had access to mods exchanges and it became clear that there was no other reason other than a certain person having an issue with my beliefs. as to why thy had that issue i can not say,but being a long time pagan that is not an uncommon reaction.

every time i move forward and think things are ok,it all goes straight to hell

and the pattern repeats itself again. and again.

and it has done that again

i should never allow my emotions free rein,never again ever

reality has become a bad place to be again,off chasing rabbits again down that rabbit hole again

one thing is i have finished my journey,and have no goals other than finding love the one thing that was always the most important that now seems very hard to find anywhere, so why post about the things i already got through others might think about the end game after they get through the big cut, there are other things that you might lose that will never return to you ever ,like emotional connection with another flesh and blood human. that is the really hard part of all this gender concerns. when you finish will anyone even want you at all?

this is a concern for anyone who has gotten older and finds the years have not helped to ease the needs of the spirit ,but allows one to think about a soft exit not a slow decay. better quick and done than a long road with no happy memories or feeling left behind by your old friends wishing to join them in their long rest.

i had hoped coming on the forum i would not feel so alone,but it now feels worse than before because i know your future because it is my present better to have lived fast and been gone sooner

woke up to very cold had to crank up the heat to its max level

i am awake but against my will,i want to just sleep forever like that dark sleep i had in that coma if only i could be back there,the here and now right now hurts to much in body and soul.

just woke up from a horrible nightmare,    it was the worst one i have had in a very long time i was all alone in a strange place with no idea where i was
 i do not want to sleep if i have another one like that

alone sucks

no one to even tell how bad i am feeling right now the whole world can go to hell,

right now it feels like i never existed,and my whole life has just been a long nightmare that will never end but i will find a way to make this nightmare end forever

i wish i had never been born and never entered this freaking long stupid place,i thought i had found the peace i was after but it slipped away with all my friends when they left when i finished my goal,and the nightmare began in Ernest the world is a wasteland of hurt and pain,so i need to find the exit and never return here to the dream

it never gets better that was a stupid hope if ever there was one. every time i think it is changing it goes poof and gone other people are just the worst to try and believe in,because no one is ever really there at all

this whole thing is just verbal masturbation, and does not feel at all fulfilling i need to stop this stupid typing

talking to strangers sucks but i guess that is at least talking right?

i will not be a victem that would allow abuse to be considered worth any attention,what i truly am is an avenging angel seeking payback,but not here that belongs to another who i was a victem of not by my concent

no more words to this empty page with no reply's at at all

a waste of my time and stupid believing anyone even cares if i am in pain

let the world destroy it self good riddance

enough already!

i am through seeking validation from ANYONE EVER AGAIN i alone validate myself i do not care anymore about anyone else or their acceptance i accept myself as having value without another person i claim my life as mine alone and do not want to devalue it just to be connected let others go to hell and see their own integrity fall away to find some connection, the world and society can just take a flying f off that cliff into the maelstrom below sink or swim. i have no care to give about others hurt or pain,deal with it and do not tell me to care because i am going beyound that human state i have paid my dues so go away now,i reject you ,you know of whom i speak