i am beginning to hate men and women because i feel i am not ether any more,i am nothing now an outsider from humans

my world view has shifted from understanding just how much humans are mutable in other ways than just gender at times we alter our connection to nature itself. are we in the mist of an evolutionary shift in more than the physical but a mental shift in our perception of our collective reality. it has been postulated we create our own reality by our perceptions of what we wish.

here i can vent when my thoughts become to toxic to handle in a peaceful way,and they become self destructive.

seeing male sexialized images of women ,many from cd's in depicting their cross dressing images i find them as only a repressive image that we as true transwomen are pushed to become,not true women but male expectations to be considered real women but my reality is based on my emotional nature as nurturer and caring human,not a fantasy image only geared toward male oppressive definitions as to just what role women play in human society though i dislike terfs i might agree this image does hurt ALL women trans or born. as yoko said women are the nword of the world

here she is

https://youtu.be/S5lMxWWK218

Dear Anunitu,

When I got encephalitis from a mosquito bite in Fishkill, N.Y., that led to my life-long disability, (epilepsy, chronic fatigue, among other sequelae), I, too, wondered if I would have been better off if I passed. 

Turned out I did more as a Disabled woman than had I never became disabled at all!

What hurt me the most was how judgemental people were who did not understand the full extent of my disability, because at first glance, I looked very well.

Learned I had to tune such people out, and for those people I wanted to give a second chance, to patiently explain it to them.

Don't give up!

Your truly,

Monica

so this came to me.

https://youtu.be/CUflIrTSwK8

as always Monica thank you for your input i value your replys, and i understand your issues with health you do seem very strong under difficult physical problems and perhaps you do understand my emotional; issues with being alone. hoping you have someone that cares for you.

got hit on on twitter it was a bit flattering but more the sex chat kind of attempt so shot that down fast ,guys you would think learn those pics are lame as a come on,duh duh

i will admit it was a NICE pic and very tempting to be truthful, i am human after all and oral is my weak point

memories from a war in Vietnam.

Eye of Salamander, Heart of Newt

Collections of defences, suit of armor made of glass
There is no central heating, high above this plane of grass
Something in the distance, has the odor of the grave
This is no place for children, even fathers can be brave

The lightning from its voice, has a motion swift and true
A dagger of deception, flying straight for you
Demons have a calling, though not one of greed
Emancipations whisper, harbors notions of great need

I am the bringer of conviction, the center of the art
But only fools will follow me, to the places far apart
Mansions have their seasons, left alone upon a hill
Anger is no secret, to the knight who still must kill

Bring no laughter to this table, it is bitter in its gall
There is no place for dreaming, in this green room down the hall
Place your faith in alabaster statues, hid in notches on the wall
Say a prayer to heal a monster, just a human after all

Within a box, covered in ebony, a diamond for its key
Lie the ashes of desire, to be cast silently away at sea
It is simple in its danger, this parting from the way
Bring no master to this banquet, but the sinner has to stay

Call the name of reason, scream it to the stars
The fault of justice, may impart a meaning, namely ours
For the sake of the defender, no sound may break his lips
Not when the anchor has been weighed, from these crimson ships

Gather a convention, of the brightest and the best
Send them into the night, to a place they face the test
A cinema is not the world, a fiction does not ring true
Going down has no return, not for me and you



Anunitu (C) 2001
 

i guess someone is never coming back i think i scared her off for good

what i now seem to have learned by trying to connect to emotional things is i need to disconnect from them completely living only for the moment and pleasure not any feeling that might mean more than that emotional connection only leads to pain and vulnerability, as much as i want that connection i must disconnect from it to protect myself from pain and rejection ever again, to become as other's have said live life only 2 minutes at a time not seeking roots in a relationship at all, i was like that but found that to shallow,but is that shallow place better than taking chances on anything more. maybe being a hedonist is a better way to live my life allowing no one to have the ability to hurt me,and not feel anything at all for others? i am confused to say the least but i need to protect myself from that weakness of needing others at all.

i feel so stupid trying to find what i felt for my ex, and finding only empty thoughts and no response from anyone, i wonder how others exist without that connection at all,if i follow this idea i may just walk away from human emotion in every way,and not feel anything again. have i been wrong to hope for more from other people.? i feel at times i may just remain alone there is no chance of being hurt when alone because people are not to be trusted with any emotional aspect of my life. the world is a harsh place a wilderness void of true life and love.

i am going to try mental health resources,but before when i was on anti depressants i became completely devoid of any emotional response. and that was very weird and an almost numb place to be,but maybe numb is better at any rate. as in screw the world and its killing of human care becoming just a place of destruction and war,with no true humanity left anywhere. l;et the world die without me trying to help to heal its wounds at all that takes to much out of me anyway,being a dreamer is to costly in personal expectations of it having any good effect on life in that world. save the whales,hell save the children from our mistakes. i think we adults are doomed anyway.

i guess my turning to a heart of stone is my best option for my personal protection. i truly give up.

my care bear heart has turned to stone so i no longer care about anything but myself and my personal pleasure. caring hurts to much.

i fear that old dragon wanting to come back to power,there is no good end if that demon returns to claim my place in this world

i think i really pissed off stephani now my being such a shit stirrer

beginning to wish i had not come here. i will not make that mistake again when looking for a place of safety

i am so done with the internet and people

everything ends or dies or breaksdown

looks like i drove a certain someone completely of the site so i guess i have become toxic,sorry

been gone a long time i am surprised i scared some so much they just quit being on this site i must be very ugly or very scary being so interested in being with another human being. damn i am really something.that no one will even stay to chat even a little,  my question is where did this person run to?

 i will leave again so as not to cause another to run away again.

my poetry site with new poem

https://www.ko-fi.com/Blog/Post/Desperate-shadows-Z8Z0XD7V?justpublished=true

read all of my writing there