Copied from the forum topic "The start of my Journey" in General Transgender Discussion.  Dezzy discovers blogging! YAY!

I've mentioned in a couple of threads that I'm just coming to my identity.  It's very confusing and I don't have the language I need to express myself cleanly.  But that's what our community is for isn't it?  To help people coming into this new knowing of themselves to express themselves and understand better.

I came of age in the eighties, in the Midwest of the United States.  Specifically rural Southern Illinois.  My family was Christian, starting off Southern Baptist, but after my parents' divorced, we moved over to a non-denominational Christian church community.  This was still half-a-dozen years before Christian Fundamentalism and Evangelicalism became as widespread as it is now.  But looking back I can see the seeds of how that community could evolve into Evangelical Christian.  In any event, my home, faith, school, and community were very "anti gay".
 

I was labeled a "sensitive, creative" child, which was not a compliment. I've discovered since that at this time those terms were common code for "girly" when applied to boys.  I was bullied harshly by my peers and my uncles.  My parents, grandparents and teachers turned a blind eye to the emotional abuse, telling me everything from "boys will be boys" and "It's good for you" all the way to "suck it up" and "stop feeling sorry for yourself".  There was a genuine, and vocal fear that I would turn out to be any number of terrible labels used for the queer and trans community.  You're probably thinking of a list right now, so no need to give them air here.

When my parents split up, I was 8.  In very short order, my dad left the home and my mom had to find work.  Like millions of my generation, I became what has been termed a "latch-key" kid.  With no siblings (my half-brothers and step-siblings won't enter my life for another couple of years) I was very *very* lonely.  Abandonment issues took hold and all I could understand was that I *never* wanted this to happen to me ever again.  So my reaction was to become anyone, do anything that would ensure I would be accepted.  I leaned hard into being a boy.  Sports, competition, roughousing, hunting fishing, "running-jumping-climbing trees" (as Eddie Izzard used to say).

When puberty hit, I found myself feeling attractions to other boys.  So, like the "sensitive" (read: feminine) aspects of my personality, any queer identity was crammed into a little box in the back of my brain and that's where they stayed for very nearly my entire adult life.

Recently, as I approached 50, I started exploring my feminine and queer identities.  I started with the understanding that the cybersex I indulged in was mostly with other male people, even when they were posing as women.  I came to the conclusion that I was comfortable with cybering in the light of that knowledge, and in the beginning, I thought it was just a kink, something a little taboo and a little thrilling.  I wasn't bisexual, I was just indulging a private little fantasy.

When I first entered Second Life, I quickly discovered I preferred having a female avatar to a male avatar.  Again, I didn't think it was anything more than sexplay.  But I never felt the attraction fade, instead it only became stronger.  Most recently, I started identifying my trans avatar, Desiree as me.  As much  me as the person I see in the mirror.  My personality is the same in SL as Desiree as it is in the Real World as Keith.  Only my appearance changes.

And I'm happier with myself and more comfortable in my own skin as I accept my sexuality and my identity more openly.  I'm coming to understand that that confused child I locked away all those years ago is emerging into my personality and my identity is changing.  I like myself and I'm more confident with my feminine traits and my queer attractions than I ever had while repressing them.

I'm trying to discover what all this means for me.  Discovering (recovering) this part of myself feels nonbinary, maybe trans, but I think that is the incomplete understanding the language I need to express myself.  When I (over) analyze myself, I'm not wholly male nor female.  I'm Both. I'm Desiree and Keith in roughly equal measure.  I have this long lifetime as Keith, and there are parts of this lifetime that I love, but they're not connected directly to my gender.  I'm a parent, I'm *super* proud of my kids and I know they don't suffer the doubts I had.  I loved my time wrestling and playing football (Hunting.. notsomuch, but I gave it an honest try).   Anyway, if you've read this to the very end.  THANK YOU!  Go get yourself a yummy cookie, you've earned it.