I knew what I needed to share with you today. That's part of myself. You need to know why I'm exposing this now and not before. That was/is him. You need to know what I'm trying to deal with besides my body. That's about her. Three sets of needs and needs are more than wants, more than desires, more than wishes. Needs are needs and some needs are nearly universal. Because those are, we humans have empathy. Because we have empathy, those needs have been recognized as applying to each of us but in different degrees and different ways.

Each of us also develops a personal way of serving our needs, including our need to serve some others' needs. Sometimes we can satisfy a need, other times not. Sometimes we can heal a wound, others we can't. Sometimes we can suppress a need. Usually that won't last forever while that need increases at its own daily rate under the rug. Eventually, the rug can't cover the mound of sh*t that's under it. Where does it go then? I'm sure you know.

Him. You can guess who that refers to. He's the one everyone else thought I should become. He's the one everyone else said should learn to be more masculine, less sensitive, less angy, less hurt. He's the one everyone, even those who should be the closest to me, expects me to be. He's the one who could never satisfy anyone's need for him to be normal, average or adjusted, perhaps even sane. He's the one who has disappointed everyone but teachers or librarians.

Me. Again, you know who this refers to. I'm the one who is still a child. I'm the one who hasn't experienced real life yet. I'm the one who should have lived if anyone had ever considered my presence or needs more than their own. I'm the one who intends to live the rest of this physical life here in this mortal realm. It's the better of the two realms I've had to live in so far.

You may ask, "Then who is Her?" She's one of those I mentioned a bit ago, one of those who should be closest to me, one who should consider my presence and my needs as much as her own. She is my wife, who has said she doesn't want a divorce, that she will stay with him/me. She'll swear she loves me, but now I can't touch her. She's said only he may satisfy her and only in one way.

More than that intimacy has come into conflict. I'm an addict and my drugs are alcohol and nicotine and who knows what emotions. To follow the HRT treatment plan that my doctor and I have agreed upon, I have to stop using and right now. I've tried to stop before, but when those who you've shared the most of yourself with seem to predict you'll fail just as you always have, it's a whole different ballgame. I have to not only not hear the drugs, not feel the desire for them, I have to ignore the "advice" the distorted perceptions send into my brain. I have to ignore that I don't feel right, that my mind doesn't work as well as it had seemed to. Today, my mind wandered twice during the drive to the restaurant. My wife took me to task. She seems to think that having stopped a few days ago, that I'd be at 100% and she believed that all that time I should have been operating at 50% at best.

Her needs. She fears me attempting to transition. She fears what others will think of her, what they'll say about her, to her, what they'll do, how they'll treat her. She needs to stay married. She needs me to support her financially. She needs me to fulfill his promises to her, promises he's never been able to fulfill to her satisfaction.

How did today bring this out? Pitifully, it was yesterday's "Romantic Comedy Marathon" on the Valentine weekend. _Sex_and_the_City_ was a huge cult thing. Because it's 4 women's friendship and their lives and men and marriage and everything, it's a fully featured storyline. Through all of the turmoils, these friends have their differences. Sometimes one or another can't get along with another right now but this group survives and everyone stays with them, they love each other, they love their men, they love themselves. These ladies have things he and I have never had and that I may never have and I'm crying for that. Last night I was sobbing but forcing myself to not lose it.

Here I am. I need love. I need affection. I need some respect and some dignity. And I haven't had them and it doesn't look like I ever can.

For all of you who aren't like this, be grateful. It's not because it's Valentine's Day tomorrow. It's because you have faith it's there. You can have faith it will stay there, within your grasp and you within theirs. It can't be guaranteed; that's why it's about your faith. That's why it's up to you to deserve it as much as you give it. Do that. Do that for others. And then do it for yourself, too.

HUGG