Hello, people of the pages. Ah the endless pages....

So, just like anything else we try to accomplish, there are always roadblocks.

Aside from the fact that I dont really know what to write about tonight, I thought I would ramble about an issue I'd been having today.

My Binder.

Technically speaking, I'm not sure if its actually a binder or not. It's a Torso Compression Tank from Manshape for FTMs. My first one I'd ever bought, EVER, so I probably got it wrong. Maybe?

Anyway, I wear it over a sleeveless compression shirt from underarmor when I'm at work.

Its made my life so much easier to not have THOSE in my way all the time. Granted I would be beyond happy and grateful if they could shrink away even more, but hey. Not much a 44DD can get without surgery. (Which is an eventually plan, trust me! >.< )

But lately I have noticed a bit of an issue, especially today.

When my 'set' (binder and compression shirt) start to feel like theyve stretched out a bit, I toss them in my dryer for a few minutes (i read online that it's the way to go to get them back into shape).

So I did so this morning before work, and noticed a difference immediatly. I didnt think much of it, really. Did my normal routine, and went to work.

But ALL DAY I felt like I was short of breath, that I couldnt breathe. I've NEVER had this problem before. Ever.

Maybe it simply shrunk down too much, but after reading horror stories, I always worry that I'm inflicting damage to my lungs or something.

They say beauty is pain. But people dont realize that unbeauty hurts too. I dont wear makeup anymore, and never really did to be honest. But now my eyes feel dry all the time. I dont wear chapstick as much because I feel stupid putting it on, so now my lips split alot from chewing on them from my anxiety.

And most of all...this whole binding thing. Now that I have them, I feel totally and utterly lost and horrible if I am forced to switch to a bra to 'give myself a break'. My boyfriend insists that during the weekends or at home, I wear nothing or a bra, and stay out of a binder. Which I can understand.

But I cant go in public without them anymore...I hate it. I feel so stupid without them. Like the whole world is looking at my chest and not my face.

But I've noticed the skin on the outter sides of my ribs, under my arms has become tender to the touch. Probably from the compression shirt rubbing. My 'you know whats' are tender and ache, and once I take off my binders..I do all I can to avoid anything brushing up against them or touching them in any way because they hurt.

Then I have that damned irritation between and underneath. Sweat I suppose, from working in a 90F kitchen for 9 hours a day. But there's no way I can go back to a bra. I refuse. I'd rather suffer.

Someone asked if maybe I'm wearing it too tight but mentally, for me, its not tight enough. I want it all hidden, but at what cost?

I know they worry about my health, but for my mental health, I need this. But which is more important, mental or physical health? It's a toss up, really.

"Six to one, half dozen the other" my boyfriend would say. I never really liked the phrase, but it works.

In other news, I had decided to try photography, as suggested.

And wouldnt you get my luck? I drop my damn ipod and smashed the screen all to cheese&crackers. So no camera for me Thanks karma, you're a doll.

Maybe one day I'll look back on all this and laugh. Or maybe one day I'll look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking. Only time will tell.

-Warren

P.S.

Sorry for the TMI o.o