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11/17/2014 Monday - Another crisis day for me.

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By LovelyLisa

· 1,760 views

11/17/2014

So out of the last two months, Monday had to be the worst gender - identity day for me. It was a crisis. Very distracting at work. I was sick to my stomach all day. Did not sleep well. All and all, not a good day to be a guy for me.

I did ride the metro in. I am a big people watcher, so looking at all of the girls dressed to go to work made me think that I should be them. So, for me (just to let you know) this is no fantasy. I am extremely realistic about what I will encounter the first time I would ever go to work as a woman. However, it is to the point that I just can't take it anymore. My skin was crawling.

I called a therapist that another girl had used when she transitioned, but they did not get back to me.

Score:

Female 1

Male 0

11/18/2014

Today went much better. I was not so obsessed about it being a guy as I was on Monday. However, the feelings definitely persisted. I am a fighter. I am sure that I will continue to fight this (mind over matter). However, today I had no fight left after yesterday.

However, I had a more productive day at work. And that is really another reason why transition is something that has to be on-the-table for me. Because these last two months it has been so bad, I have been in a daze. And even when, I don't have gender-identity issues, guess what? I still have a part of my day where I think about dressing and presenting as female. If I transitioned to female, I might have a ton of regrets. But I know I wouldn't dream about dressing or being a guy. That for me, has been wasted effort and bandwidth all of these years. Not having to think about being a different gender (though I am still me after all!), would not be a weight off of my shoulders but at least I wouldn't think about it all of the time.

However, I have been dressing for years. Can do makeup and get read pretty quick. But it still is a pain in the ass. The expectations for women and how they dress are so high. I can't stand it. Anyways, that's the tradeoff.

The therapist that I called on Monday did get back to me. Turns out she had just closed her practice but referred me to two other therapists. I was hoping to maybe get in this week, because I will be out next week visiting my mom. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed. But it has been how many years. I am super patient!

Score:

Female 2

Male 0

--Lisa

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    Emma

    Moderators

    Hi Lisa,

    I sure have my crisis days too. Like a couple of weeks ago when I went to dinner with my wife and two other couples to a nice restaurant. The women were all so poised and beautiful. Just being themselves. I had fun with the friends but all along I was aware that I doubt I could ever be as natural as these women, which was depressing.

    I too wonder about regrets. These days I'm more comfortable with my being transgender and the regrets I think about are if I do nothing about it. I'm in good health and so forth but we never know for how long. I don't want to be one of those that wakes up one day and realizes she lost her chance to be herself.

    Emma

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    LovelyLisa

    Members

    Emma,

    I'm a really big people watcher. And when I see women who dress a certain way, professionally it reminds me that I want and need to be them. Socially as well.

    I worry about regrets a little. But for me this isn't a race. I've been dealing with this so long, I want to make sure it is addressed and addressed properly on my terms and no one elses. Which means if I transition, I will start HRT but be in stealth until I line everything up. I don't want to crash and burn or haphazardly go about it.

    If you want to talk, please message me. I am also on Facebook.

    --Lisa

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    jennifer38

    Members

    I picture myself as a woman who doesn't worry about makeup. Not being able to see, I overlook the visual aspects.

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