So today I made very slight progress, though it put me in a bad mood all day and made things very disappointing.

After exchanging very brief emails with the plastic surgeon center at the nearest large hospital in my area, I finally decided to call them and get a quick estimate on what I'd be looking at for a top surgery plus anything else that may or may not be required.

To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I was hoping for.

It's not like they'd start giggling like the littlest elf and offer free surgery and tell me to show up tomorrow.

Though that would be epic...

But, alas, miracles dont happen every day.

I were greeted by a rather friendly young woman named Alice, though she werent my alice in wonderland.

She didnt have the greatest of news for me either.

My Double Incision Bilateral Mastectomy will cost me an estimated grand total of 8,000$.

Right now I have saved up....600$....

Before I can even go in for consultation about the surgery, I'm required by the state to see a phsycologist, which my insurance probably wont even cover.

They offered me a "care card" which is basically a credit card that they can charge it all to that I pay off later...but with a lot of interest and growth interest. Meaning the longer it takes me to pay it off, the bigger the bill gets. Gee...thanks....

So my next phonecall was to my doctor to inform her that I self-changed one of my medications because it was giving me horrible side effects, but she insists that I come see her this friday.

Not only because of that...but they're considering putting me on testosterone hormone treatment.

Part of me is like HELLZ YES!!!!

But....who wants to grow facial hair and possibly body hair and start looking masculine....while still enduring the embarrassment of 44DDs? No one, that's who. And certainly not me!

I dont want to walk around with a 5oclock shadow and chest fuzzies while still trying to sort out my "tumor issue".

I hate how I look as it is, that is not going to help!

On the other hand, I'm excited for a deeper voice, for my body's reshaping into it's male form, and certainly for a less girly face. As a girl I look my proper age. But if I were to pass off as a boy, I look thirteen, not twenty two.

Anyway....next call: Insurance.

What do you and do you not cover in terms of surgery?

Well, I got a woman who could barely speak english. But the answer I got was basically "nothing".

I have a 500$ deductable, and 5000$ OUT OF POCKET.

Granted 5,000$ is better than 8000$ but....I can barely pay my bills as it is....theres no way I can do that right now...or even next year.

So you can see why I was depressed all day. I'm tired of waiting. I dont want to wait until next year, or the year after, or the year after. I want these GONE.

On top of that...

I think my boyfriend and I just officially decided to be roommates in the future. And that's it. Nothing more.

Blah.....

But here's the GOOD NEWS:

I'm trying to go sober again! From cutting, I mean. I'm not much of a drinker

I got a sudden slap to the face while browsing the infamous youtube last night, and stumbled on a video out of no where.

"Let me tell you something you already know.The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place, and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!

Now if you know what you're worth, then go on and get what you're worth! But you gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you aint who you wanna be because of him or her or anybody! Cowards do that and that aint you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens, you're my son, you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, you aint gonna have a life." Rocky Balboa

I grew up watching rocky with my dad up until he died when I was eight in a tractor trailer truck accident. After his passing, I couldnt watch it anymore because I'd always think of my dad and break down in tears. My dad was my everything. My whole world, my hero, my knight in shining armor.

Because my dad was my Rocky Balboa.

But that quote came to my ears and it made me cry. Hell I'm not ashamed of it, it made me bawl like a damn baby. Because at this particular point in my life...I needed that. I needed those words and it picked me up and brushed me off and said "damn it, your father dont want this for you, put that stupid blade down and get up off your knees!"

My dad doesnt want me to sit in the corner and wave a white flag. He'd want me to brush off my shoulders, put my boxing gloves back on, and prove to them that I can do it. Because I can.

So damn it, I'm gonna try.

Not just for my Dad, but for me.

I just hope I can K.O. my own doubt before the bell rings.

Warren