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I found this site in October of last year during an extended period of confusion and frustration. Fantasies of being a woman are nothing new to me; I've been having them since I was a kid. Now they're on my mind all the time. I've thought for a long time that feeling that way might mean I'm transgender, but I always pushed those thoughts away. I convinced myself that this had to be a secret fantasy and nothing more. It was partly out of fear for what my family and friends would think of me, but for the most part, I think I knew the idea of confronting that reality would ruin the fantasy. In my mind, I can be confident and witty and beautiful. In reality, I've always struggled with low self-esteem and depression. Eventually, I found I couldn't handle obsessing over these thoughts anymore. Finding this site and talking frankly about my gender for the first time helped a great deal. The thread I started is I think I'll try moving things over to this blog. Maybe I'll post more frequently. I'm hopeful that things will start to improve. I haven't been feeling quite so miserable lately. Just knowing that my identity is starting to make sense has lifted my spirits a bit, even though I'm still living the same life as always. I find that I still see myself in my head as being male, but when I realize that, the thought doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I am a woman - I don't even know what that would feel like - but I know I want to be a woman. Maybe for now, that's enough to at least start to fill the hole in my identity.

I was just reading Emmasweet’s latest blog post and realized how fortunate I am to have found this safe haven unlike no other on the web. Not to leave anyone out but Monica, Emma, UsernameOptional and Lori are wonderful people and if you have not looked at other sites this one is the best. Way too many focus on one or two high level topics of interest unlike this one. Well this entry was not meant to win any awards, just wanted to put this out there

In my past career when we said that we were “falling on my sword” we meant that – typically in front of a customer – we were admitting that our company or product was at fault. We were being transparent, vulnerable, admitting we were in the wrong and hopefully the customer would thus react with less drama and instead collaborate on working around or developing a solution to the problem. This blog post feels like that to me, thus its title. Of late I’ve been reading “Crossdressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines” by Dr. Peggy Rudd, who previously wrote “My Husband Wears My Clothes.” She is a psychologist who happens to have a transgender husband, and because of this developed a personal and professional understanding of what it means to be transgender for the individual and for the family. The basis for the book is that crossdresser/transgender people are not wrong or bad although society may cast them in this light. Perhaps worse, these transwomen tend to be their own worst critic because of internalized shame, guilt, and fear. Carrying that load is sensed by others around us and often reflected back, confirming those cruel assumptions and beliefs. I’ve sensed this off and on throughout my life. I know that I am too dependent on external feedback and opinions. Who cares what they think! I’m my own person, right? And I can stand on my own feet. Oh yeah, sure. At times like this I find that easy to say and darned hard to believe. Below are some quotes from the book and some corresponding thoughts. Perhaps through this I (and you?) will make some progress. “In our society men are taught from an early age that they must never be like girls. Because of the awareness or knowledge, you may fail to accept crossdressing as a part of your personality. There is that subconscious rule that says you are doing something wrong.” – Roger Peo, PhD. I think I was happiest before around age 4 or 5 before I realized that part of the way I was, how I liked to play, was sissy and wrong. I was often reminded of this by neighborhood boys whom I desperately wanted to be friends with but who seemed to delight in tearing me apart with their ridicule. “The search for normalcy is a very strong motivator. Each person wants to find love, and sometimes they are willing to absorb guilt rather than lose love.” I’ve always longed for normalcy, wondered why I wasn’t, and am often hyperaware of how I believe others think of me. And indeed, closeting my shame and feelings from my wife, friends, and associates to protect what feels like such tenuous love and caring. “The guilt related to the erotic nature of crossdressing is a major concern for many.” Guilt and shame, not only from within and from my wife, but also worried that it will rain down on me from the transgender community as it seems that the fetish aspect of crossdressing is one of the shameful secrets that we don’t talk about. So here’s a major hara-kiri (seppuku) confession: I do have some fantasy and erotic feelings about crossdressing. Whatcha think about that? Not always, but it can be pretty thrilling. “Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” – Frederick Wilcox Okay, that saying makes sense of course. It’s easy to say as it kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And yeah, I have come out to my wife over the past few months and to this day I don’t know if I did the right thing. You call that progress? Okay, enough of the downers. Here’s a couple of quotes showing what we’re aiming for: “When you can think of yesterday without regret, and tomorrow without fear, you have found true dignity.” “The key to having a rich and full life is self-acceptance, a virtue found only within.” So, how to get there? Dr. Rudd includes lists of steps from a variety of people who responded to her research questionnaire. Here’s one that I liked. Remember to have a sense of humor. Learn to be in touch with whom you are. Start believing you have the freedom to express the total personality. Share your guilt and fears with someone you trust. Be a good listener when other people share their feelings with you. Remember there are other people out there with similar problems. I think I need to have these tattooed on my arms for handy reference. Be well, Emma

I was contemplating on what I should do for Facebook, create a new account or change the current male one so I created a new one but then thought that this is going to be tough getting friends over to the new account and stopped after creating the new female account last week. While surfing through my male account yesterday I decided to delete the new female account and change the male account to female via gender option then changed from my male name to my female name. Walked away and upon coming back a while later had several people had messaged me, some saw it coming while others did not but so far all are supportive of the change which includes former girlfriends. One thing I have been monitoring is friend count, see if any unfriend me but so far none have which I am thankful for. If any do unfriend me that is their choice which I respect but also realize they were never my friend in the first place. Anyways one of my things is not to simply accept people as friends for the heck of it like some do, instead I only allow those whom I think will be friends, are fellow instructors and/or have common interest. There is one woman I met on My Space, always wanted to date her, in my eyes she is simply hot which does not mean the best looking woman out there, instead I am simply attracted to her and let her know that. We never met but over time became friends in a different way and then when moving to Facebook she friended me. I was pleasantly surprised to find her as one of the first friends to like my note that I was now female, gave me a warm feeling. Another woman whom I feel that we have met in other lives (and she actually was the one who brought this up) and dated also made it known we will always be friends. Funny thing about her while in bed together after making love she says (don't remember the exact words as this was back in 2006) "In a former existence I was the male and you were the female, married and very happy" and thought that was interesting that she firmly believed I was female before. About six months ago I told her I wanted to chat with her over the phone. She gave me her phone number (saying in case you don't have it anymore, which I did) and said give me a call tomorrow. I called her, we chatted for awhile then told her what was going on. There was a slight pause then she came back and said, I will kill you if you look better than me and then said, well we should go out shopping sometime. Talked for about an hour and felt really good that we could do this. I did get a few messages from various friends that had many questions which I am still need to reply too as there were many but all positive. Two of the people who congratulated me are national figures in the world of teaching self-defense and actually was surprised that one did message me while the other one I had no doubt. Looking back several months I would had never guessed this announcement would had been so positive and happy it has gone well.

When I was younger, I was happy to find that some guys are attracted to transgender girls. After all, there are guys that like cis girls, guys that like guys, etc, so I just reasoned that it's just as natural for some guys to like transgender girls. I've had my crushes throughout school just like anyone else does. I thought how nice it would be if someone felt the same way about me. One of my friends told me "there's somebody for everybody, right?" She didn't realize that many things are more complicated for #girlslikeus. It didn't take me long to realize that many of the guys that I seemed to attract were different somehow. Not all, but most didn't seem to be interested in me as a person or really want to get to know me as a person. I sadly started to realize that these particular guys weren't seeing me as a romantic partner, not a girl to take ice skating, dance with, watch movies together, spend quite time side by side on the couch with, or exchange Valentine's cards with. I was fairly young when I started hearing from older girlfriends about how transgender women are seen as fetish objects to a lot of men. I already knew that woman are often objectified as sex objects and thought it was the same thing, sort of. I told myself that was just a few creeps, so just stay away from them...not a big deal. The right boy will come along. I later came to see these creeps as predators. They will tell you what you want to hear and treat you just good enough to get what they think they're going to get. This threatens me, my womanhood, my self worth as a human being. I still think he is out there, but after years of contact with guys....ones that swear they just want love, a relationship, a soul mate, only for them to turn out to be one of "those." I am letting some bad experiences influence my interaction with guys that I meet. Without even knowing them, I often judge them as one of the creeps. I have dated a couple (exactly three) amazing guys, two in highschool and one after starting college, so my dreams are still alive. However, years of interaction with the predators, in person, on social sites, forums and chat rooms have gotten to me, not that I would ever meet anyone from online. Not a chance. It's just the idea...the reality of it all. This is one of the reasons that I am here on TGGuide, which has been a very positive experience for me. I feel like here, I can discuss issues, interact with other girls, and talk about my feelings and experiences without someone asking me for pictures in my underwear. Yay! The "fetish" aspect is one of the complications of dating for #girlslikeus, but there are others. It's not the most heartbreaking. The social stigma attached to dating a girl that was born (and especially if she still is) anatomically male is another big thing. It's a lot of pressure for guys, no matter how good their intentions. I have lost a couple good relationships to their fear of what people will think and that is what probably stops some nice guys from approaching us in the first place. I will fully transition when I graduate from college. I don't want to give the wrong impression, I'm not doing it to find love and a husband. I need to do this for me, no one else and it is what I've been moving toward my whole life. I do think though, that the chances of romantic happiness and love are better for those that have fully transitioned. Post op women do get married and are living the dream. Janet Mock has an amazing guy and will soon be married as many other have. So, i'm interested in what others think on the subject, and you're experiences are with dating and love. Do you think it's likely to find love as a transwoman? What have your experiences been with men? Are so many men as just creepy as I think they are? I'm also curious to hear from those that Identify as "trans-lesbians." I sometimes think that it would be easier to be attracted to girls. It's hard to see cis-women as being the kind of creepy that some men are,or as likely to fetishize and, devalue another person, or as worried of what people would think of them. Thanks for reading <3 KM

I got asked to write to write Trans Articles for Redditch LGBT on Friday, I had already got 2 presentations on coming out and my journey from cross dresser to Trans Woman so I altered them a little and sent them off, hopefully they'll be posted soon. Redditch LGBT is in it's infancy, it's aims are to promote that not every one is straight white heterosexual & for people to get over the fact. Also it wants to promote a LGBT friendly area within Redditch, which is sadly missing presently except for Cafe Mambo, at the moment LGBT people mostly go to Birmingham. Par for the course, it's been started by a local Labour Councillor, whom I met and had a long chat with. My Wife and I had a day out on Saturday, she's very keen on victorian history, and is part way through writing a novel set in that period, so we visited 3 museums in Worcestershire. No one read me as far as I could tell (Schodinger's pass again!), and we both enjoyed the exhibits. In one of the museums, there are exhibits of Worcestershire regiments through the ages to the present day. One area was dedicated to the first world war, there are a collection of government posters urging men to join the army, for glory and heroism etc., alongside was an exhibit telling of soldiers sentenced to death by firing squad for cowardice etc., when in fact they were shell shocked. It bought it home to me how little has changed, with goverment propaganda, and how hypocrisy is still rife amongst politicians. However recently there has been a serving Captain in the British Army who has Transgendered whilst serving, here's the link to a video made by her and a private; http://www.allaboutt...re-experiences/ Anyway whilst it show's the fantastic progress being made in some areas of UK life, it's important to realise that this progress has largely come about due to the previous Labour governments commitment to the Equality act which in turn originated from EU Equal Treatment Directives. Whilst the present government has done little to further promote equality, other that to state that it promotes Trans people being integrated into society, but other than the bland statement, there is no evidence of anything having been done. I guess it's not in their true interests. I have been sent a document about the Transgendering process here in the UK, I have sent it to two people within Transgender Guide, one of whom didn't answer. The other said I should provide a link to it on my blog. However I must warn you that there is bad language in it, so if you're a delicate little thing or easily offended, please don't read it. It doesn't exactly mirror my experience with Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, which has been mostly positive, but having said that, it is funny and it pokes fun at the system. It appears that the upload file size has been reduced and I can no longer upload the file, so here's the link to it; http://bytenoise.co....ra-and-hope.pdf Perhaps a similar document might be put together by a member about the US system? That's all for now, Eve x

Yesterday in my phone conference, Monica and I got on an interesting topic. She told me about this book she read where people would see the image of themselves as the opposite gender when they looked in the mirror. Having never seen, I cannot relate to the visual aspect of that. However, I can imagine things from an auditory standpoint. Through the years, I've noticed that my inner voice sounds higher than my spoken voice. This happens quite subconsciously without me trying to make it happen. I don't even pay strict attention to it, but now and then, I become acutely aware of it. Furthermore, more often than not, I notice my voice sounds higher in my dreams. The more I think about that, the more I remember that dreams are an expression of the subconscious mind. I just thought I'd share this interesting tidbit of information. Ever since yesterday, I've been obsessing more on that, and even though I cannot get my outer voice to match the pitch of my inner voice, I have been trying to talk in a somewhat higher voice. I will never get the outer to fully match the inner, but it is fun to see how high I can go before sounding off the wall and putting myself in danger of hurting my throat. Toward the end of the conference, I tried talking a little higher pitched, and I practice that when I'm by myself.