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I have been using them for the past year. mostly public restrooms such as malls, restaurants and the likes. What is was surprised about was hearing women siting in the stall next too me and would say that 95% of them use the paper on the toilet to protect themselves while on contrast I would say it's almost the reverse for the men's restroom. Not that I am sitting there listening for that but for whatever reason this is the case. Anyways I always when available use the paper cover as one never knows who or what resided on the seat before me. Even I noticed I missed a few drops once or twice unlike (and this is a very distant memory) shaking the you know what at the urinal. So that got me think about a video on the web, a plastic device so women can stand and pee, they had a handful try it out and I think they were not impressed, neither would I be either. Now in the restrooms in my company there are these containers hanging in each stall which I have been using to hang my purse on for months now. Finally was curious enough to open the lid, yes, that was a bad idea and will leave it at that. Overall I am finding the women's restroom much cleaner than the men's restrooms but there have been a few times when I went into a stall and backed out as fast as my feet would move. One final note, in the ladies restroom in my area someone leaves three bottles of hand lotion, strawberry, lavender and vanilla. Two bottles are taped together, not sure why but love the idea of the lotions there.

I have my therapy appointment tomorrow. I am also traveling out of town to visit my mom in Ohio from DC. I may stop by the Keystone Conference on Thursday and stay the night. I don't know. I would kind of like to see what it is all about. I may register to go for the entire thing next year. Not much has happened in the last two weeks since I have posted, I am still in crisis mode, prone to cry or being depressed. I feel like I am not being me or presenting as I feel I am. It is getting to the point that I think that I need to surrender and start transition, because I can't take it anyone. I so much appreciate being a guy and all of the privileges it brings. But it is also not me. I feel like I am trapped inside. I did buy two books on transition from amazon, one based on a recommendation from Karen (thank you, Karen!). I will let you know how good they are.True Selves: Understanding Transsexualism--For Families, Friends, Coworkers, and Helping Professionals, The Transgender Guidebook: Keys to a Successful Transition. I hope that everyone is hanging in there and having a good week! I have a feeling that there will be some changes for me in the not so distant future. Thank you all for your support. Love, --Lisa

I'm bored out of my mind (on vacation from work because of spring vacation) so I've taken to Sims 4, exercise, writing and being lazy. But while I sit here, something has come to mind. Sexuality. Someone mentioned it to me and asked what my sexuality is, and I said I "think" I'm bisexual. Well for someone like me who hasnt been fully educated on what certain sexualities are, I cant help but wonder if I'm not fitting that catagory. I mean, men? Hell yes. Girls? Totally. But I really dont have any judgement against ANY gender, really. Now that I've been thrust deep into the world of Transitioning Transgenders, I've come to realize that there is much more than male and female. And the more I realize that, the less I seem to care about what they are. Everyone's fair game and gorgeous to me, really. So that brought up the subject of Pansexuality. I'm not fully aware of what that is, but it seems maybe the best bet? From what I understand, pansexuals are open to male, female, transgenders, crossdressers, etc. I think, from what I was told anyway. Which sort of fits for me, since I really dont care what you identify as. I'm not after your gender. I'm after your personality. Just a random thought I felt like sharing while I half die on this darn exercise stepper thingie that is literally destroying my calves >.< There was a big Hooha about me coming out as Bisexual on facebook, and with all the hype about me being transgender, I think I'll wait a while before mentioning the possibility of pansexuality. Basically its just Bisexuals with wider horizons LOL Forever Curious and Learning, Warren

Hey guys, what's up? My name is ARTistiColor but you can call me Art. So basically before I talk about anything crazy I just want to tell you why I named my blog 'My Mask' incase you are wondering why. I basically named it 'My Mask' is because even though I am talking freely about how I am transsexual, I am just a person hiding my true self behind my 'mask'. I have not come out to my family because I am scared of losing everyone I ever loved, having a deep dark hole that can not be filled ever again in my heart. But I guess that's everyone's fear, to feel alone and unwanted. So in this blog I will be talking about my experiences as a pre FTM, my goals, my views on things and transgender news! I found out I was transgender only a couple of months ago so I am still learning. One thing that really bothers me is that I haven't found a name that really pops out. I read that transgenders look in front of the mirror and say possible name choices and that they know when they found the right name for them. None of the names I listed really pop out at me. But don't worry! I won't give up! I have been thinking of calling myself Ash or Archer. I think their both really good names, but I don't know for sure if I want that to stick with me for the rest of my life... Anyways thanks for reading, hope you have a great day, and stay colorful! -Art

Every twelve months I am required to check in to my doctor for blood work in regards to me continuing on estradiol and spironolactone (anti-androgen). She indicated that there is no need to continue taking spironolactone since this is for blocking testosterone which I don’t have anymore. Had a discussion on dilation, she transitioned 20 years ago so once a day for her. She sits in a warm bath tub and uses baby shampoo for liberation, think I will need to try this for the middle dilation of the day. Also talked about breast implants which I told her I have an appointment with a surgeon in several days. She asked, do you spray when urinating? I did for about three weeks and now everything comes out as it should. On a side note I am very happy about this as it felt strange peeing and having pee on my legs. Now here is something I found interesting, she believes that transitioning is one of the most difficult paths a human take embark on. As we know many want to but do not because of monetary issues or physiological issues. Then there are some who manage to have GRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery) but in one way or another end up a failure which in some cases leads to death. I am fortunate to have many people help me along the way and it help that I had the mindset and the motivation to take the right path on my journey of life. Thinking of "difficult path", I think nobody can deny that at one time or another we entertain our worst nightmares. I will be the first to admit to this were I would go to bed with horrible thoughts that I would never become the female on the outside that needed to happen. I can not even imagine some peoples nightmares were getting to the point they need to be will never happen, not the right support, lacking in funds and no real support from family, friends and co-workers. Then on the other side of the coin we have physical transformation which provides a huge step in "the" journey but also have many downsides. Downsides (my fav) like dilation, w/o hormones your body does not naturally produce them. How about finding a partner to love, that can be a path filled with happiness or depression, a true roller-caster. Neither path is peaches and crème but for me I am truly happy (except for dilation) and welcome what lies ahead and prey that those travelling this path never, ever give up finding their true selves. In closing this in many ways has been an (in a good way)emotional day, this is what hormones do and I welcome them (except when my mascara runs).

I'm so excited I can barely think! Oh my good lawd of doritoz, I've done it! My name has LEGALLY and FULLY been changed to Warren Renexius Ornan G__!!! Kristy Susan is a thing of the past, I have been approved for my name change, and my new photo I.D. is in the mail!! The judge was unbelievably awesome about it! I expected 150 Questions and tried to think of the best answers, but as soon as I walked into her office, she simply smiled. "Now that I see that you're serious about your transgender lifestyle, I have no problem in signing this right here and right now, no questions asked" she said. Signed it, gave me the best of luck, and it was done! I couldnt believe it! I walked out of that building the happiest I've felt in years, knowing that I can honestly tell people my name is Warren instead of saying "legally its actually kristy, but...." I feel so liberated! So accomplished and excited! On top of that, my savings for my surgery (i need 8k) is now up to about 1,500$ It's not there, but it's growing! I'm so excited, I'm not even sure what to blog, but I just wanted to let you guys know OFFICIALLY YOURS, WARREN

I went back to work on Monday and had a pretty good idea how it would be as in acceptance with other co-workers. After four days no surprises, everyone I worked with or came in contact with where fine with me. One women whom I use to work with many years ago, still works there but in another section came over this morning and chatted with me. She was happy for me and said I looked great. Another woman who is in my area but I do not have contact with came over this afternoon and started off with that she was fine with me using the ladies restroom as were everyone she had talked too. She was talking to one female employee who asked her “Who is the new employee” talking about me. Then she said that Kevin Gallagher (me) and Karen Payne (me) could easily be related. That was just too funny. Then she goes on to say that she (me) looks great in skinny jeans, I laughed then before I could say anything the woman talking to me says “I agree” and that you have a great butt and look even better in leggings (which I wore today). There were other conversations that we “glad to see you back Karen”, small chit-chat and that was it. There were a handful who walked right by me and thought they did not approve of what I did but four out of five later came over to my desk and said they did not recognize me while the other I only saw once so unsure of them. So the week has ended on a good note as tomorrow I work at home. I am feeling great now.

This post has nothing to do with transgender so you can tune out if you wish; It's about my almost-27 year old son. Since he was five or six he's been very independent, stubborn, and willful, making lots of challenges for me and his mother (we're divorced). He's also bright, attractive, and has a wonderful personality... when he's not depressed and sour. A couple of days ago he told me that his mother is going to stop paying the rent on his cheap apartment. He wasn't asking me to pick it up, as he knew I would not. Essentially what happened is that for at least the past year or two she's been paying the rent each month, saying "Okay, I'll do it again this time, but this is really the last time. You must get a job, you know you can. Just do it and hold on to it." Instead he played video games, watched TV, surfed the Web, smoked marijuana, hung out, or stayed in bed, depressed. So now, finally, he's really going to be cut loose. To sink or swim. He and I don't yell or fight. We enjoy each other's company, I pay for a burger and a beer, and we talk. He easily acknowledges his part in all this. And now he feels that despite the fact that he has a couple of weeks to get a job he's planning to be homeless. He told me that he thinks this will finally teach him the value of money, his things, and so forth. Oh sure, we talked about all the downsides of being homeless. He did it once before about ten years ago for a couple of weeks. But after a lot of talk and his (to me) rather strange confidence in this plan, I told him it's his decision. I told him how much I worry about him, getting robbed/beat-up/murdered, sick, thrown in jail, etc. Also, I worry about me: that I just know that within a month or two he will call and say that he just has to have $50. Or that he's in jail and needs bail. And I will have to say no. My mother (yes, the one who committed suicide) is the one who taught me, "Sometimes the most loving thing to say is No" and I think she was quite right. I told my son this, too, and he agreed that I should tell him no. And he also said that he's pretty sure that in fact he will still probably call to ask for the cash. And he knows I'll say no. Jeez, it's taken so long for us to get to this juncture. I started saying no to him and his mom after the 3rd or 4th attempt at college: "This time really, I'm committed, I'll do it!" A couple of years ago I offered him this: if he pays for his classes and books, I will reimburse him as follows: for an A he would receive 100%; a B gets 75%, and a C is worth 50%. Anything less is zero. He's tried to do that a couple of times; I paid 100% for a pottery class once. I don't care what classes he takes. Just learn something. He also assured me yesterday that no matter what he has no plans or thoughts about suicide. He will figure something out. I sure hope so. Tough love. It is tough to love. By the way, this has all been reviewed with a variety of therapists and counselors over the years. I'm sure I could have done a better job back when he was a child. My wife says no, but I am sure of it. But I really did do the best I could. Emma

The last couple of months have been very difficult as I've further embarked on my transgender journey and suffered along with my wife who has been very upset by my revelations. I'm happy to say that for the last week or so things have been so much better. What do I attribute this to? They say "A happy wife is a happy life," and although I'll bet she'd deny it (hopefully not too emphatically) I can tell that she's feeling a bit better. Not 100% but in the right direction. I believe it's due to: a) Time: as time progresses she sees that I am still the same person that she fell in love with. Yes, with a new wrinkle but it's me nonetheless. I don't know exactly what the gender therapist and she discussed, but I know the therapist pretty well now and I think she provided some much needed expert assurance. It was so helpful to have a couple's therapy session where we were able to talk without the baggage of negative emotions. She asked questions and I did my best to answer, and we were okay with that, and even went out for a glass of wine afterward. There are more questions no doubt but we'll cross those bridges later. I am very fortunate to have the therapist whom I see 1:1 and for couple's meetings. He provides such wisdom and support, objectively and kindly. Thank goodness for him. I'm also very fortunate to have found the gender therapist, having met with her privately and in her group. I think I'm starting to "get it" and it's okay. And last but not least, it's TG Guide and the community I'm proud to be a part of. I know that we will still hit rough spots and that there will be challenges, some that may seem unbearable when reached. I hope that by writing this I'll have something to look back on to remind me of the good times. Hugs, Emma

Not sure whether this is the right thing for me to do, to start a Blog. Firstly, I feel that my grasp of the english language is not really very good, and secondly, I tend to lose enthusiasm pretty quickly. I probably could also bore the pants of anyone who decides to read it! Well, If any of you have read my profile, I do reside in the UK. Those of you whom may not of noticed will see that I am of asian origin. In fact my parents are originally from Hong Kong. This is where I am for the next 16 days aswell. I've taken the oportunity to experiment with makeup which is easily available here, but not so readily available in the UK. In my thinking, I've decided to buy Japanese makeup here, as it should suit my asian skin better?? Well thats my excuse for just buying makeup here I guess. I'm really not enjoying myself as much as I should be. I came here with a sore throat, and I'm struggling with it. I've also found out the best way of dispersing people who maybe overcrowding you on the buses or underground. Just have a coughing fit, and watch everyone cover their mouths and walk away from you. They seem to think I have bird flu! Anyway.. enough of my ramblings! A shopping trip awaits me tomorrow morning! Goodnight xx