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First, if any of you haven't heard the Junior Vaquez remix of Whitney Houston's "Step by Step" - you should check it out This has been a productive week in terms of coming out for me. I've now told all of my closest friends (in person or in writing) that I am transgender. In most cases it wasn't a surprise to them, and the support has been universal. My favorite light-hearted response was from my friend Chris (who is my closest friend among the group) who said "Woo hoo! Does that mean I'm hip?" (he does magic, so I leave it to each of you to decide if it's possible for him to be "hip"). The most substantive positive response was "This is celebratory news. Please let me know how I can be a friend/supporter/ally/whatever you need. I know there's lots swirling around, and if you need to chat/bounce things off anyone, you've got an ear and a hug in me;) Truly. Thanks for sharing, and as you continue, please let me know how best to support. There are lots of feelings around pronouns/language. I'm adaptable to whatever works for you. I love you as the person you are and am grateful we are friends." Followed by an offer to start calling me "Christie" if I wanted (I don't do that in my day-to-day life yet, I don't feel like my external presentation matches that - but the fact that it's now come up probably means it will happen soon, at least in my personal life). I've also told both of my supervisors at work, and a co-worker with whom I'm fairly close (and found out from her that another person was picking up some hints already - and was positive about it, which was very good considering she is over my 2 direct supervisors). On the personal side, productivity came in the form of not trying to figure out "an answer" - my initial reaction (to many things) is to think that if I just think about it for awhile, and ask the right questions, I can come up with an answer right away. Well that's not going to happen here, the only way I'm giong to find an "answer" is to keep taking steps until I reach whatever destination is out there for me (or not, there might not really be a destination - as I write this I realize there probably isn't!). So my approach now is to just look for steps that I can take - take them - see if they feel comfortable - then take another step - repeat... There was a negative event at work, but one that lead to positive. I overheard several students (overheard is an overstatement, they were talking loud enough that one could think they were trying to talk to me from a distance), they were joking about the idea of a male (I couldn't tell who they were talking about beyond that) wearing a dress to a student event that night. It wasn't something I could directly address (I'm staff at the school), but I did mention it to my boss, who apparently brought it up with her boss (the one I mentioned earlier), who suggested that they should probably incorporate sensitivity training into student orientation (and I believe she's sincere, she's not the type to just talk about it). So that was good - but the really good part is that it inspired me to try to take more steps to be out at work. It would be inappropriate for me to address the students directly about the issue, but if they ultimately get the point that I am TG it might make them think more about what they're saying. Well, that's all for now - oh, tonight I'm telling my sister, first family member... xoxo Christie

Below is an email I sent to my therapist this morning in preparation for our couples meeting with my wife tomorrow evening. Names have been redacted or changed to protect the innocent. I imagine and hope we will have a great meeting tomorrow. Our therapist is remarkable how he helps us learn how to communicate better and, together, my wife and I are working through the scary assumptions and worries about what it means for me to realize I am transgender. As of this post it's been about seven months since coming out to my wife. It's been tough sledding especially early on but maybe we've progressed to a point where both of us will get our needs met and we'll remain happily together. I sure hope so. Hi Andrew, I have gender dysphoria. It's been hard for me to admit and accept but really, there's no denying it. There is no “cure,” no “fix.” Last night I read the WPATH Standards of Care (SoC). Didn't really learn much except that it's good to see, in one place, a comprehensive and professional look at what it is and recommendations on treatments for both MtF and FtM people. The dysphoria may be mitigated via a range of treatments/strategies such as: • Therapy • Occasional dressing, either in public or private • Living part- or full-time as the other gender • “Transition” o Hormones o Surgery Let’s start from the transition end of the spectrum. In my heart I know I wish I had been born and raised female. And maybe if I was in my teens or twenties now I would avail myself of the increased public acceptance of transgender people, perhaps living more openly and even considering transition. But at this stage of my life it doesn’t feel right – if it ever would have. Now, even with full hormones, surgeries (there would be several, for sure), and complete “passing” as a woman, I would still at heart be me. I can imagine myself on this treadmill of trying to achieve one more step toward being female but never achieving the unknowable, while also likely losing the one person who is most important to me in my life, Marie. Marie and I have been very close these last few days. Although we haven’t broached the “transgender subjects” at all my sense is that we’re coming to some level of acceptance. A couple of days ago she suggested that perhaps this Sunday I could return to living/sleeping in the master bedroom with her. I imagine that will be a topic for our couples meeting with you tomorrow evening. She and I have also talked about what we might do as early as a year from now, when the lease on her shop expires. Perhaps then we will pack up our house, rent it out, and move to Europe for a year or more. This has been a dream of ours for years. Thus, my returning to the master bedroom is a microcosm for our working out how we will live together as we move forward, traveling or even just at home when both of us are together all the time under the same roof. As I said at the start of this I do have gender concerns and I need to deal with them on some level (which is sill being determined). I think we need to bring this out in the open with Marie. I think a place to begin is with the term “crossdressing.” On previous occasions she has expressed her dismay and disapproval. And there’s no doubt in my mind that I would appear pretty odd to her when dressed in anything feminine. But given my gender dysphoria, why is it appropriate to label my dressing, either in bed, under my clothing, or even at some level of completeness (e.g., a dress with stockings, shoes, etc.), “crossdressing” at all? Am I not being (more) true to myself and that that is valid in its own right? For example, these days I am always wearing a nightgown and panties to sleep in. It feels good, right, comfortable. It eases my dysphoria, makes me feel better. It’s not erotic at all. I imagine all this will take some getting used to for both of us. But I think it’s an important bridge to cross for both Marie and me. But it's definitely a scary one. Hard for me to put myself out there in this way. I'm afraid of vulnerability, of being re-shunned, of Marie's being hurt, of being presented with still more unanswerable questions. Emma Photo: We were on a boat in South Africa, on a river in a place called Viljoensdrift. Just a pastoral setting, having a glass of local wine, watching the river bank drift by. Heavenly.

Because of discussions on how Trans and the general LGBTI community gets treated in by medical staff, police, well government employees, hasn't made me think of this all that much. Because I've always been treated with a certain level of respect and dignity, which I always needed to earn or demand. I'm also a government employee as you all know, so this shocked me when my group had to deal with a M2F that didn't pass. This poor teenaged girl was treated absurdly and persecuted even more so although she was arrested for drugs. The law clearly states that the police arrest and the courts decide if anyone is guilty of the offense on all the evidence produced. Okay, I only stepped in afterwards when I was told. By that time it was a joke to all the cis gendered persons outside by the holding cells. Because of safety, I had to ask a few no no questions, but I made it clear I'm also Trans and was only asking those questions too ensure her safety. I was also sick that night, but made certain before going she was safe. For some time the question on how LGBTI persons are supposed to be treated and handled when detained came up. Lucky for me the next day I had a group session where I raised the question. Because of the mixed answers, they all made it clear on what I needed to do... I subsequently wrote a proposal letter to avail myself as the face for all things LGBTI in the police. And to teach the members through seminars what the correct way would be to deal with a person from the LGBTI community. The only thing left for me to do is create a questionnaire (would most probably only be used on persons that definitely doesn't pass and those of us that are pre-ops. As those are the persons that will be effected the most when arrested. Those that pass and are post-ops will most likely not even disclose. Unfair, but the harsh reality of life and how easily we blend into cis normativity will count in our favor. I truly hoped it would be different, but we also have bigotry between some that pass and others that don't. I'll be attempting to bring all to an equal playing field, but until this happens we are all part of an unjust society. Much love to the few fighting for all our rights till everyone is equal.

Over the past year I have been sharing my journey which hopefully was of some use but now I am need of concentrating on another aspect of my life with requires a good deal of attention so during the next few weeks will be limiting my time here and will stop visiting here shortly. Hopefully I can make it back here in the future. For those interested I will be keeping up from time to time on my WordPress blog. Lastly, it has been wonderful getting to know people here. Best wishes for those on their journeys!!!

Good morning everyone! My desire to go tech-free this weekend didn't work out so well, but I reduced my usage substantially, which was nice. I just wanted to get an entry out to start my week with some random things from this past weekend. Saturday night I "pushed myself" a little. I was going to see a drag show (Jackie Beat, my all time favorite drag queen!) and decided it was the perfect opportunity to gender-bend in terms of my presentation. I wore a grey woman's t-shirt from Kohl's (says "Bloom where you're planted"), black Jennifer Lopez pants (with bedazzling of sorts), pink & black tennis shoes, a pink hoodie, and of course my favorite JLo bag. A touch of mascara as well - I had wanted to do my nails but forgot about it until shortly before I had to leave, so I had to abandon that. Being at the show I knew would be a "safe" environment, it is a drag show after all. The greatest danger was that somehow I would draw her attention and she'd "target" me during one of her audience interaction periods. She didn't. (I'm a little disappointed by that.) The bigger challenge was getting there. I live in Jersey City, so I had to get to the PATH train, and then walk through Times Square to get to the show. Any anxiety about how I looked faded once I was in Times Square, replaced by the anxiety that I always have just by being there. Fast forward to Sunday night. I was watching "The Music in Me" on UPTV, featuring Debbie Gibson. If I haven't mentioned this before, I love Debbie! (The "G" that I use as my last initial is in homage to her.) It was a little cheesy, but fun. And Debbie was live-tweeting during the show. There were a couple of times that she replied to one of my tweets - that was a weird experience, here I am watching her on TV and meanwhile having a twitter chat with her. I kinda like Twitter. She debuted a new song called "Promises" in the movie. It's about the importance of making and keeping promises, especially the ones we make to ourselves. I've recently been pretty goal-oriented (accomplishment is another question), but that prompted me to think in terms of making a promise to myself, rather than just setting goals. The promise I made to myself last night was "I promise to care about me." I think if I can sincerely keep this promise the other goals I have will fall into place, or it won't matter as much if they don't. (And obviously I don't mean to care about me to the exclusion of others! I think in fact that it's vital to care about yourself in order to care about other people.) My final take-away from the weekend is again about Debbie Gibson. I recently took a solo show class in which over the course of 7 weeks I wrote and prepared to perform a 6-minute solo show piece about my first experience of doing drag. We then had a class show. Early in the piece I refer to a signed picture of Debbie Gibson that says "Dear Christie, Luv ya sista! xo Debbie" - and then I refer to her as my "femme role model." First, I really do have that picture. Second, I don't think I realized even then how she really is my femme role model - I thought last night that she is the woman I want to be. Not that I want to be her, I don't want to be another person, I want to be myself. But I want to emulate the things about her that make me love her so much. Mainly that she knows what she loves doing and she does it. Her music career is obviously not what it was in the late 80s/early 90s, but she's still doing it! And she is an endless happy, positive person! (she wouldn't even trash Donald Trump after she got screwed on Celebrity Apprentice! Ok, I have to work on the "positive" part). That's all I have for now - love to everyone! Christie