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Warren, You have really been given a lot to deal with - as have many people on this site - but it seems like you're more than strong enough to deal with it all As far as worrying about what you "should" and "shouldn't" think, I think it's fair to observe those things in yourself as long as you're not beating yourself up over it. It's MORE than reasonable for you to react the way you have. As long as you keep noticing when you think your reactions are too strong, etc., you'll eventually find your own way to a more peaceful state. But for now, it's ok, and good that you have place (here) to vent xoxo Christie

Emma, I didn't need another fear!!!! :-) I definitely agree that I can't see myself going back, at least not beyond where I am now. In my thinking over the weekend I actually tried to imagine what that would look like, and I didn't like it at all. That could change of course, but for now I know that for the foreseeable future I'll be presenting as more female than I have - I have to, it's what matches inside. And "It's all ok on the TG Train!" is one of the greatest things I've ever heard xoxo Christie

I were half tempted to start a youtube channel but my internet sucks badly and i dont have a good setup area or subjects to talk about. My boyfriend wants to start one off to do video gaming with, like Markiplier (awesome by the way, check him out)

It was actually my doctor who recommended it but that is a fantastic idea!!! I might call her up today and ask that of her! Thanks! And I actually am a writer but mostly medieval/fantasy/romance/horror XD

Hey Ren, I agree with Christie of course. The only thing I can add is that I always love your writing. Actually, maybe that's something for you to think about. I'll bet you could be a great writer is that's something you would like. You have a very natural voice. Call me selfish but I hope your BF drops you off early at work more often so we can hear from you! About your appointment on the 6th, here's an idea. Ask you therapist to write a letter for you, that tells about her (his?) knowledge of you, your transgender status, and your valid need for your surgery. Then, copy that letter (keep the original!) and bring the copy to the meeting to give to them for your file. Hugs, Emma

Hi Christie, All of your fears are perfectly normal and understandable. And I can add #4! The fear that, after doing all this, going through so much, that you actually DO go back, retreat. But here's the thing: I don't know you well, of course, but I really doubt that you will go back, at least not all the way. Yes, you may find that you actually want to live an "agender" life. And that's okay. Or maybe settle on one side or the other and move back and forth a little (bigender). Whenever. If you had not done what your are doing you would never really know what is right for you. And, let's face it, none of this is static. Your feelings about what you need may evolve over your future years. That's okay too. Thank goodness you have a good and protected job. Also, I keep reading about how younger people are much more open and accepting of everyone under the TG umbrella. So you have that going for you too. Remember this, please: my gender therapist says that the journey is like riding a train, and there are many stations you can visit along the TG tracks. From time to time we get off the train to explore an area, and sometimes we stay. Other times we get back on and go further, and sometimes we take the train back a station or several. It's all okay on the TG Train! Hugs, Emma

Maddysyn, I second everything that Emma said! And also that it's understandable to regret things, but I hope you keep in mind that this is always new territory for everyone, things are bound to not go smoothly! So learn from it, and move on (I know that's much easier said than done!) xoxo Christie

Welcome ^_^

Lisa, thanks for sharing as others will learn from this entry as they go down the same path.

Good that you could gauge how your sister would react as this will help you when coming out to others as predicting is important so you can tailor words used about revealing your female side. Hope she does come around, I have found that if there is a chance then work on it and make this happen rather than sit back and hope for it. I wish for you to have a wonderful journey as you move forward on this path.