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Sometimes I wonder. I wonder what life would be like if I never got into drugs. If I had been content enough with my life that I didn't feel the need to party away everything that I had. Of course, I needed to learn the lesson that what little I have is precious and I need to take care of myself. I fell down that path of destruction because I didn't know that I was unhappy. I didn't even know what happiness was at the time. It always slipped by me, I didn't even know when I was happy. I wonder life would be like if I had learned to find happiness in my assigned gender. If I could have come to terms with being gay while working in a boy's club where the word "fag" is tossed around as something that is useless. If I still would have learned how to dance or if I would still be out at raves flailing about and pretending that I knew what I was doing. At least back then people looked at me with desire - now they only look at me with curiosity. I wonder. There's a lot that I am finding that I have to come to terms with right now. After 2 years of HRT... well, I don't really know what I was expecting. That I would eat some pills and like magic, poof - I'm 5'9", 130 lbs and beautiful! Nope... no. After losing 40 lbs I have discovered that I have too much muscle on me to be a skinny girl. Frak. I guess all that working out to try and be more masculine has finally paid off! (Gorram it). No, I'm still 6'1", 150 lbs of former man. My trans friends are so excited because they can't wait to be able to meet women as their real selves and I am so happy for them... and so jealous. While I have dabbled with the idea of being bisexual it is abundantly clear that I prefer men. I can not explain to them how hard it is to meet a man when I... well... will probably never be passable. The world of strait men is very, very different from that of bisexual and lesbian women. So I've started telling my friends that I am ready to die alone. Bleak, but - perhaps realistic. I wonder sometimes that if I had actually considered what I was up against at the time if I'd had changed my mind. My transition was the reason I sobered up but I can't help but think about if I had actually considered what I would end up looking like maybe I would have just been content with being a gay man. I would be miserable, but at least I would have a better chance at a partner that could comfort me in my dark days. BUT! It's really not all that bad. That's just my dark side talking, really - (s)he comes out every time I have my "hormone spike" (I name I have given my special time of the month. Is that a thing? It is totally a thing with me) and I have to just fight off all my insecurities. There's a lot that I have to be happy about. For starters I had a wonderful night of dancing tonight. I have been doing blues/fusion dancing for about a year now and it is really starting to click. I'm still quite shy at class but my following is really getting better. There's nothing quite like being held close by a lead and listening to his motions as he guides us through the music, letting me go to flow on my own every once in a while. I usually don't get to stay for the entire social dance because of work obligations but tonight I stayed until the house lights came on. I needed that tonight. Career wise - I had the opportunity to work on the world's first Transgender sitcom! Cast largely with transfolk as well. I was able to be more creative then ever as well as a camera operator and have assistants of my own instead of being an assistant. Words can not describe how amazing it was to not be the only trans person on set. Not to mention having scenes and characters that I could actually relate to! People even laughed at my trans-related jokes on set instead of just feeling uncomfortable ("is it okay if I laugh at that?")! So whatever. Frak it. When I made the decision to do this I was desperate. I was out of options, and after 10 years of living in the closet I was ready to give up. That night I had the option of either ending it all or trying to transition and seeing if that killed me. I decided that if I was going to die... it was at least worth trying to do this. I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like at the end and I told myself that I was ready to die alone if nobody wanted to be around me afterwards. At least I would be happy. I may not always be happy but at least I now know how to grab happiness when I see it. And you know what? I AM BEAUTIFUL! Fuck you insecurities, I'll just keep on keepin' on.

Good morning everyone! First a few updates. Today, in addition to the little make-up touches I've been adding over the last few weeks, I did my eyebrows and am using lipstick (and lip gloss), and wearing a cute new necklace I bought over the weekend. A picture from this morning is below. I did get a "sir" at 7-11 today, but I'm ok with that, he knows me (I stop there regularly on the way to work), and he was looking strangely at me after that (a mix of confused and amused, or something like that). I've also decided to start using Christie at work (I might segue to it by having "Christie" in my signature line but signing off as "Chris." I just have to decide who I should "announce" that to and how, as opposed to those for whom i'll just start doing that. I also "came out" to my tennis group, and when I got my NYC tennis permit on Saturday it has Christie on it (they didn't even question it). Over the weekend, taking up on Karen's suggestion in one of her recent blog entries, I spent some time down by the Hudson River (on the pier off of Christopher Street). It's one of my favorite spots, and an area where I almost always feel at peace (perhaps in part because of my personal technology ban when I'm there). I started with the question she suggested, do I have any hesitations about starting HRT? (by way of background, I haven't actually decided to start HRT, but I do have an appointment with an endocrinologist on June 20 to discuss it). My initial gut response to it was "no, but perhaps some doubt." To me this makes some sense as I doubt that people are often 100% certain that it's the right thing, at least until you start it. There are no doubt some who are, but not everyone. I then explored those doubts - which I've done before, but a new strain of doubts revealed themselves this time around. That is that I feel like I've often made very bad decisions (and not everyday decisions, but more "life changing" ones - I mean, everyone makes bad decisions). So I spent a little time thinking about what they were, and then why I think I made them (after figuring out if they really were that bad). I won't go into detail about what those specific decisions were, but a through-line for them is that I simply hadn't thought sufficiently about the consequences. In one case (deciding to go to law school), the decision itself could have been ok if I had thought more about what I was going to do with it. In an earlier decision, the decision to not go directly to college after high school, I know that I was thinking too short-term. At that time I was living at home, and making decent money (relative to my pretty insignificant expenses), and I didn't want to give that up. So I sacrificed the long-term for the short-term. That brings me back to transitioning generally and HRT specifically. I take great comfort in knowing that (1) I am looking a lot at what it means, and what is likely or possible to happen, (2) I'm discussing it in depth with a gender therapist, (3) I'm going to talk to a doctor about the implications, and (4) I'm discussing it here and getting feedback So perhaps I will at some point feel 100% certain that it's right, or maybe I'll feel 95% certain and decide that's good enough. Either way I've got some time. Probably the big take-away from my thinking and writing this weekend is that I can't make any decision based on fear. I have to know that I want it, and fully understand (as much as possible) the consequences. xoxo Christie

Sometimes I wonder if the life I live is actually just some sick and twisted nightmare, then other times I just assume I’m in limbo somewhere for some unspeakable crime against humanity. Then other times I cant help but wonder if any of the “reality” is reality at all. Or if maybe the whole universe is just split up into atoms within an alien computer somewhere and they’re fooling around with the system like some weird outer space version of The Sims. But maybe that’s just my creative writer coming out and saying “Yo, dummy, get back to your books you weirdo” But that’s beside the point I guess. Either I’m real flesh and blood with some issues, or I’m some alien Sims with my body switched with some dude with an attitude. Either way I guess I can live with it ANYWHO, I suppose you all would like an update on the comings, goings, and interesting phenomenon that is involved with this freakishly creative individual we call Ren-Ren-Rawr (apparently what my bf calls me instead of “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” because hes not comfy with bf, and I’m not comfy with gf) So yesterday, I had a rather productive day and got my butt in gear and drove the (almost) hour long drive to the larger hospital in my area, Dartmouth Hitchcock (the name still cracks me up!) and went up to the financial aid help center about my 5,000+$ bill with them. Last time I went (cant remember if I told ya’ll) was NOT an enjoyable experience in the least. The woman (unnamed) were rude, ruthless, unhelpful and discriminative. She made it abundantly clear that she were NOT going to use my preferred pronouns, my now-legal name, etc etc. And made a point to tell me that she is in basic control of all the financial aid paperwork, emails, etc so I would still have to deal with her no matter what I do, PLUS her telling me that I am NOT allowed to set up payments for my overdue account until they go to collections, which to me sounded like absolute manure. I left heartbroken and ridiculously annoyed. ON THE CONTRARY, this time, I went up to the front desk and asked to be seen for applying for financial aid now that I’m basically jobless. I also mentioned that whoever was on my file the last time I were there, I would like to NOT see because she were rude and disrespectful. The secretary seemed surprised but nodded in acceptance. So I waited about half an hour and finally were seen, by a woman named April who were AMAZING. Super understanding, patient, and fun to talk to. I explained the situation that happened last time I were there, and she were reasonably furious. Immediately she wrote down whatever I told her about the last woman I saw, and said she would immediately speak to her manager about the situation once our meeting was over, and assured me that she would keep my name off the report. Which made me feel much better, I’ll admit. She were very understanding and when I let her know that I preferred MALE pronouns, she promptly agreed and not once did she faulter! She walked me through the state insurance application, helped me with it and printed out a copy for me to keep on hand before emailing it out. Then she went through the paper application with me and assured me she would send it to both THAT hospital and to another that I also owe money to. I explained my situation with the needs for transgender therapy and my hopefulness for surgery in the future, and she then went to her manager to make sure that the insurance she were helping me sign up for would cover most, if not all, of those things that I were looking for. She was, in the best description, a life saver. I left (after two hours lol) feeling relieved and hopeful, and saved her business card so that I can give her a stunning review on their appointment outcome papers. (Found this and thought it was awesome :P) Right after, I stopped in at my regular doctor’s office and let her know that I would like a paper from her stating that she DOES agree that I have gender dysphoria, and that she is aware of my issues with the dysphoria and is in support of me starting treatment for it. I also asked for a copy of my file from my ex-therapist Joan, along with a letter from her as well about my dysphoria. My plan (helped from another friend) is to take these papers, and the files, to the Gender Therapist when I get insurance to talk to him. That way there is evidence that I have had this diagnosis for a while, and have been publicly living as a male for some time, and hopefully be able to skip over the year’s worth of gender therapy and get closer to surgery. I’m very hopeful on this, but I’m not fool enough to assume it WILL work. But it’s worth a try! Otherwise, things are going alright I’m getting an update on my nightmare medication as those issues have returned, unfortunately. But nothing I cant handle, I assure you. I tried a “Root Beer” beer as well, and although I am NOT a fan of beer, I actually really liked this one! It does have that hint of beer to it, but is mostly overridden by the root beer flavor It was delightful, and I cannot wait to try it in a rootbeer float!! It’s called “Not your Father’s Rootbeer” in case you’re wondering My youtube channel is getting closer to being started, and I will film my first “episode” this coming Wednesday. When it is fully posted, I will certainly share the link with everyone This one will be my introduction, and also about some quick ‘fashion tips for transgenders’. Feel free to hit me up with ideas or subscribe! The channel is “DubstepHeartbeat” in case you’re wondering. (a giggle for you) Well, I think that’s it for this blog post. I’ll let you know if I have anything else to yammer on about Your Buddy, Warren

ok so I'm 67 years olds .Biologically male really a woman . Have never done anything g about it fear social pressure who knows .Seems a bit late for a sex change or even hormone treatments but I need to do something .Anyone else out there is this kind of situation ? Thoughts? Ideas? suggestions welcome

I couldn't sleep last night, so I wrote a song, I'm going to post the lyrics, hope you like it I would love feedback, positive or negative Quasimodo Verse 1: Hide behind such a faux façade Do you know who you are? Have we pretend too long? Should I hide my face? Am I a big disgrace? Why should I conform to just fit in? I hurt no one I cause no harm I’m just trying to be who I know I am You’re so lucky that you get to be the person that you see in your reflection Pre-chorus: but I must wait to set myself free Chorus 1: Why do I have to prove who I am inside? Is it my destiny to hurt eternally? Do you know what I go through just to live my life? To feel the emptiness of a thousand lies I hate this Living like a misfit Verse 2: I’m here to stay I won’t go away I’m not going to change I’m not going to hate Myself anymore I’m tired of the pain If you can’t handle this just walk away Pre-chorus Chorus 1 Verse 3: Such a heavy hand I must detach it and relinquish all the hate for myself Chorus 1 (sans 3rd stanza) Chorus 2: What’s it worth to you to make me feel ashamed? Do you sleep well at night knowing you cause pain? Using hollow words and spiteful lies that we’re not beautiful in God’s eye and I love this proud to be a misfit

Long time no chat. Yeah I been up to a few things in my year absence from the site. Just a little busy. But I wanted to drop in see how things are going do a quick shout out and in the next few weeks (when I find the time I will do a more filling fill in on what has been going on in my life. Much good and some bad. So here is what my last year has had me up to. A new comic series Demon Blade A new novel 11 Kingdoms A new Novelette series Gloria's Gospel and returning yet altering Path of the Butterflies from just a pdf guide to a intended monthly topic discussion blog. Path of the Butterflies: A guide for Transgender individuals, friends and family Please drop on by the blog share ether publicly or if you want to share your opinions privately or just chew me out you can email me from the blog. I promise next post will be sooner and less self promotional based.

Our first eating of GSA, I had everyone go around the room and introduce themselves. Your name, Major, Preferred Gender Pronoun and why they came to GSA. So I would say "Hey, My name’s Tyler, I’m your president. My Major is Education. My Preferred Gender Pronoun is He, His, and Him and I came to GSA originally, because i needed to get to know people like me, but now I’m here to lead and teach you and the community around us.” Apparently in the last… oh let me say 30 meetings she totally forgot that i was trans and when i came in and shared that i was so happy i got a new binder, she questioned… "Why are you excited about a book?" "it’s not a book…. It’s a tank top… thing that makes my chest look more flat." "but why would you want that?" She asks…. I told her, “It makes me more confident when I look in the mirror and think I see a boy, with no chest, baggy shirts, and no swag. It makes me happy” "Can’t you just get a breast reduction?" she asks, confused. "I mean… a reduction totally. But I Don’t just want them reduced. I…. just want them not there, at all. When i look in the mirror before I have to take a shower, Inearly cry. So I started covering my bathroom mirror with a towel just so I don’t have to look.” "But why?" "……Everytime I think of myself in the future, I think of a man. Married to a woman with a beautiful personality….." She cuts me off “but you are beautiful…. Why do you need to change yourself?” “Who do you think I am in this equation?” "The woman?" I gave her a look. I had just gone over this a week before. I’m not doing transgender 101 again this semester.

a lot of things have been going on I have finally gotten to the end of the trial what's my former lover at shop at 12 times I'm involved with another man I'm bettering myself and no longer living as a victim I'm beginning to live more as a survivor I pray everyday and throughout the day that God lead guides and protects me

with the cold wether and other things sorry i have been adding any thing but still i am ok and getting ready for anther long yukon winter..........

When I wrote and posted "My journey into gender fluidity (part 2) I expected to be posting Part 3 fairly soon. As it is, I'm finding it quite hard to write. As I've said, these days I'm quite happy and content in my gender fluid identity but my journey here was difficult at times. I want and need to write about that journey but doing so, especially when writing about my early flirtations with "feeling like a girl", evokes memories of the transgressiveness, guilt and shame that I felt at the time. This was partly because I knew instinctively that what I was doing would be disapproved of deeply by my parents and the outside world in general. It was also because I didn't really understand what I was doing. I knew I didn't want to actually be a girl but the need to physically "become" a girl for an hour or two was quite compulsive. It felt like it was a need that was hard to control. I didn't want to stop doing it but I also felt that it would be hard to do so even if I did. I'm wondering if other young people experiencing gender ambivalence also felt this compulsiveness to explore the "other side". Well, part 3 is nearly complete after many rewrites. I hope to be posting it soon. Meanwhile, I've just posted another message on the "Why Do I cross dress?" thread on the MtoF cross dressers board. It's delving a bit deeper into how cross dressing functions for me as a biologically male but gender fluid person.

Hi It's taken me a while to get round to writing this description of my earliest experiment in cross dressing. In retrospect, I now see it as the earliest indication of my gender fluid identity but at the time I saw and understood myself as a boy. It started as a boy's curiosity about girls but it became a boy wondering what it felt like to be a girl. At that age, though, and for many years afterwards, I had no real concept of the true nature of what I was feeling and doing. I've checked this out the moderators who tell me that it is ok to write about it and even suggested that it might ring some bells with other TG/CD people. It's also been suggested that I start a thread in one of the forums. Maybe I will. However - an alert. There are references to anatomical and other exploration here and in the posts that follow so, if you have a problem with that, maybe jump off the train here. I'm trying to remember just how old I was when this began. I was born in 1949 and it certainly started well before the "sexual revolution" that began in Britain around 1963. Before that time, many children were profoundly ignorant about the "opposite sex" (I'm using the terminology of the day). Some children made discoveries through play ('playing doctor" etc) but I was not one of them. I knew that girls and boys were anatomically different. I knew that girls did not have a penis and that was why they had to sit down to pee but I had only a very hazy idea of what they had instead and I was curious to know. I was aware that boys' and girls' underwear had different names and, because of this difference, were made differently. Boys wore "pants" girls wore "knickers". (For those of you in the USA - in this country "pants" never meant "trousers", it was only used to refer to male underwear). In those days, boys pants (and men's?) had a peculiarity that has disappeared in male underwear these days. They had an opening slit at the front for use when you went for a pee. I knew that girls' knickers did not have this opening. I would look at them in shops and try to imagine what it might be that they covered. I think I was about 11 years old (well before I experienced any "attraction" to girls) when, somewhat guiltily, the idea came into my head that maybe wearing a pair of knickers might give me a clue to this mysterious difference. The problem was, I had no access to a pair of knickers that would fit. My mother had an underwear drawer full of them but they were far too large and looked quite different. So, one afternoon when I was alone in the house (you could be in those days), in the privacy of my bedroom, I set about secretly making myself a pair. I cut up some old pieces of worn out cotton sheet that my mum had put aside for rags and, using my mum's sewing kit, fashioned them into a pair of something that resembled knickers. It sounds quite mad but when I had finished them I was quite proud of my efforts. I sat looking at them for a few minutes, working up the courage to put them on. I knew that I was being "naughty". I suspected that, if discovered, I would be in trouble. Eventually though, knowing that I was entering forbidden territory, I pulled them on. When I did, something quite unexpected happened. Up to that moment I was just a boy being curious about girls but in wearing them my knickers both looked and felt different. What flashed through my mind was "so this is what it feels like to be a girl". It was quite momentary and I pushed it away almost before I knew I had felt it. I felt guilty for even imagining it. I took the knickers off and hid them away under the mattress of my bed fearful of what would happen if my mum should discover them. I even wondered whether I should tear them up. I didn't, though, because part of me knew that, in spite of feeling guilty, I wanted to put them back on and experience again "what it feels like to be a girl". So that was my first foray into cross dressing and into a glimpse of girl identity. I want to say more about how it progressed but it took longer to describe than I expected so I think I'll leave it there for now.

Hi. Welcome to the wonderful world of my life. I hope you are sat comfortably. Please make sure your seats are in an upright position, tray tables are folded away and please keep your arm inside the vehicle at all times. If you scream, it means you want to go faster!!! This is my first blog on here, so a little about myself. I'm Amy, I'm 32, a transgender female. I have come out to my friends and family. My friends are amazing and supportive. My parents are supportive but I think struggle a bit. My eldest brother is great. My sister and other older brother haven't spoken to me since I told them. I'm the youngest in the family. Right now i'm unemployed. I was working at a veterinary practice but after I told them I was trans and wanted to transition, life there got very difficult. I do have an interview for an assistant job at Toni&Guy on thursday, so hopefully I can get that and move out on my own again. I am wanting a job where I can work my way up and grow as a person, in an accepting environment. I'm not female full time yet out of respect for my family but when I move out, then I will be. I am waiting for a date of my first appointment at the Laurels gender clinic in Exeter. I have got the funding, so just waiting for a date. They said possibly september. Well thats me in a nutshell. Hope you are all well and drop me a line if you fancy a chat or a new friend. Peace and Love xx

My Journey into Gender Fluidity I'm trying to trace my journey into what is now my gender fluid identity. I'm thinking that maybe writing a blog and asking for responses might illuminate both my own and other people's journeys into questioning our assumed gender. I'm going to start by posting an altered version of my New Member intro - just to set the scene of where I find myself at my current age of sixty four years. As I said there, I don't feel "old" and yet I am also quite comfortable with my age. I'm far more at one with myself now than I was when I was thirty. I think I have a far greater understanding of myself and my gender identity now than I did even when I was fifty. That's not to say that there aren't still some puzzles to be solved and I'm hoping that writing a history of my gender ambivalence might move me a little towards greater clarity. I want to say clearly that my gender identity causes me no distress. I'm biologically male and, on the whole I'm relatively comfortable with my male body. However, I have an identification with both genders and also with something (I'm unclear just what it is!) that is outside the gender binary. For many years I have identified more with my feminine psychological aspects than with my masculine ones. Ever since I was a young adult I have preferred the social company of women over that of men. However, over the last ten years I have become increasingly conscious that I also have a female (as opposed to feminine) aspect that has lain dormant for most of my life and who increasingly demands recognition. As a teenager and as a young man, while heterosexual in my own attractions, I always found it difficult to believe that women would find me sexually attractive. I always found it difficult to enact the male behaviours that many straight women (apparently) do find attractive. I suspect now that I had some gender ambivalence from quite an early age, though I did not see it that way at the time. These days, my gender identification is very fluid - it can move from male to female and back and rest anywhere along the connecting line and can do so in a matter of days, hours or even minutes. I regard myself as lucky to have an ambivalent gender identity and I celebrate it. If I had been biologically female then my life would have been different but, that said, I do not wish to transition. I have total support and great respect for those who do transition but that is not my pathway. I very much prefer to use the acronymn "LGBTIQ" rather than "LGBT" as I feel that neither "trans" nor "trans*" describe my identity. "Androgyne"has some resonance for me but "gender fluid" comes nearer than any other identification I have yet come across. My main outward expression of my female persona is to cross dress in private. So I am a "cross dresser" in some respect but then, once I put on "female" clothes I have entered my female identity so it could be said that I am no longer "cross dressed". I talked about this in my post in the "Why do I cross dress?" thread in the MtF Cross Dressers' Discusion Forum. This is part of what I wish to explore in this blog and, since my earliest memories of gender ambivalence involved cross dressing of sorts, that is where I'll start my exploration. Till next post.......

I can hardly believe that August has come around so soon and wow, things have so moved on. My personal relationship with my beautiful partner Ruth has recently reached the maturity of two years engaged and it feels so good to have that special person in my life. I got made redundant again in February as the company re-structured and no longer needed my position. As it happens I was about to quit anyway since I had made plans to move to the North of England and come April that has happened. I now live in Bradford within the beautiful county of West Yorkshire, England. I own my own house, no mortgage/rent to pay and without that financial load on me I am attempting to work for myself, another major change in my life. Happy Caroline

They were not the tears of pain, it was because of a simple statement my fiancé said last night in bed. We were talking about friends, their issues (marriage/money etc.) and got on to insecurities. Of course being a trans-woman I could write a book with the insecurities I have about 'passing', we all see the bits we don't like in the mirror. She simply turned to me and said, "Darling, I've NEVER slept with a man" and that brought tears to my eyes. Hugs Caroline xxx