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Hey guys, girls and uniques So someone asked me to update everyone on the new look for my gofundme account, and I'll include that below. Not much has happened really, not much to blog about anyway. Aside from my neighbor calling in tears because her elderly doberman-mutt dog, Wheezie, was told to be put down by an emergency Vet. The poor 13 yr old pup was laying on the floor in her own feces, whining and unable to stand, her hind legs stretched out towards her front awkwardly. My neighbor, who is like a mother to me, was reasonably very upset. So I got some home remedies (cats claw and tumeric) to bring down and help little Wheezie with the pain. I was able to get the old girl up onto her feet after feeling her stomach, and realizing she were very gassy. Almost like Colic. Only intending on getting her up and moving around to help with the pain, I were relieved that she were more than willing to relieve herself OUTSIDE. Thats why she was whining! The poor baby knows she's not allowed to make messes in the house, but she simply couldnt stand up to go out. So after some help and walking around, I were very impressed to see her start walking around without my assistance with holding up her waist with a towel wrapped around her. She moved better as time went on, and I came to the conclusion that her Vet....is an idiot. She's not dying, she has a hip problem, and cannot get up on her own. She's old. He judged her inability to live simply because her hair is falling out in clumps (duh, its spring. she's shedding!) and didnt even feel her hips or digestion to give her a proper exam. I grew up around animals from bears, hawks, deer, a dozen pet raccoons and even a pet skunk. Horses, cows, ducks, you name it! I'm not animal-stupid, that's for sure. And even a low-tech Vet Tech like me could tell this animal isnt ready to die. After giving her Cats Claw and Tumeric with dinner, I told my neighbor (Anne Marie) that I would be down later tonight with a dog halter/harness (like a vest) to help her outside to use the bathroom. I were extremely pleased and surprised, however, not only to find her laying on the blankets I had laid down for her---but she got up, on her own! No assistance needed, and she went down the stairs (though a bit wobbly) without my help. Drastic Improvement! Hoping for the best for the old girl! Warren http://www.gofundme.com/giveWarrenaHand <<<<<<<updated version

My best female friend planned this morning to visit Macy's and Nordstrom's for me having a bra fitting. The first stop ended up at Nordstrom's where she knew one of the people there which has been fitting bras for almost ten year. As luck was on our side she was just finishing up with another customer so I was introduced to her and told her what I was looking for, an everyday bra with no underwire. She brought me back into a fitting room, had me take off my top and then measured me up. She then says I will be right back which was about five minutes. She came back with two nude color bras, tried the first one on which she had highly recommended made by Wacoal and it fit like a glove. I said no need to try the other one as they both look very similar. It was a very pleasant experience having this bra fitting and was grateful that total time spent from walking in to walking about was roughly thirty minutes. We then had lunch at Nordstrom's restaurant, excellent food and great service. We when spent another two hours shopping at Macy's and a few other stores then we hit my kryptonite, Victoria's Secrets where I just had to got in and ended up with five new thongs. Before we went shopping I hung out at her house with her two teenage children too. Her daughter was at odds with me transitioning for about a month and now even closer with her. Her son never had any issues so no problem there.

I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.

I’ve felt like crying many times in the last few decades but have never been able to really let it go. Yesterday was different. Fair warning: I don’t mean for this to be a “pity party” at all and I hope it doesn't come off that way. <big sigh> As my wife and I walked to our neighborhood coffee shop yesterday morning I mentioned something that had been bothering me since the previous evening. Our therapist has encouraged me to communicate this stuff so I was following orders. Now, my wife has also been going through some of her own emotionally trying times. She stopped walking, we faced each other and she said, “I’m going to say something that may sound very hurtful right now. I really wish you’d stop thinking of yourself all the time.” Indeed, she was right, I was hurt pretty deeply. Telling someone that they’re overly sensitive, only care about themselves, and all that, is about the meanest thing you can say to someone. Sure, it “puts them in their place” but more than anything it’s like slamming a door in their face. Afterward, the recipient can only wonder “Am I now again being so self-centered?” And since they face the risk of hearing those words again, they shut down, which only builds resentments and yes, sensitivity to minor slights. I thought about all that as we had our coffees. I wasn’t sure what to do. I wasn’t going to bring it up more at the café. And I didn’t want to talk about it on the way home, either. When we entered our house I said that I had something to say and we sat on the couch facing each other. I told her that I have heard that line so many times in my life and I don’t think it’s accurate to say I am so self-centered. It’s such a hurtful thing to say especially to someone like me who is so careful to “learn all the rules” that people around me want to live by. I try to be “good” by internalizing and following them. And now the message I’ve received from her is that I should just shut down. At that point I was so sad. I told her that I wished I was dead. I meant it. I don’t mean to be dramatic here but it’s true. Shouldering my trans feelings and shame since I was so young, trying to fit in, and always so careful to not be discovered for not really belonging with the boys, girls, men, or women. It sucks. She gave me a big hug, told me how much she loves me, and told me how upset and angry she’d be if I did myself in. I think I told her that it was unlikely I'd follow through but I do often think that life is like a life term in prison, just waiting for the end. She then suggested we go lie down on the bed. When we got in there I told her how sorry I am that I’m “this way.” That I am definitely not trying to manipulate her into something she doesn’t want. About then I mumbled that I just don’t want to be rejected. And I started to cry. Sobbing, with those jerking shoulders, tears, and all. I think I carried on for four or five minutes. She kept assuring me that it was okay, that I should let it out. When I was done I didn’t really feel like it was all let out. In fact, she asked me how I felt and I said it felt uncontrollable, like throwing up. You know, running to the bathroom and then convulsing uncontrollably. She agreed that that's what it's like for her, too. So, that’s it. After waiting more than a half century, I finally got some real tears shed. I think it was helpful but I can tell there are more in there. It’s good to know that I have the capacity to do it. I suppose it’s also good for my wife to know how deeply I feel. I’m very lucky and grateful to be married to her. Emma

All the girls in my family have one. It seems to be a bit of a tradition with them at this point. They like to make a point to go shopping for Pandora charms for life events or when they're in a new place. They buy them for each other as gifts and share the meaning of each charm with one another, each one has it's own story. My sister's has gotten so crowded that sometimes I wonder if it's uncomfortable to wear! But still she does. It wasn't until recently that I became a little jealous of that. It seems like such a vain thing to worry about, yet somewhere in me there was still the nagging feeling that my family didn't see me as female, even if they accept me and have learned to address me as such. It was probably all in my head, and I couldn't help the feeling that if I was feeling it, they could see it, and if they could see it then maybe that's why they weren't accepting me as a "real" woman. My mother and I have birthdays that are 4 days apart, every year my family chooses a spot to meet close to that date to celebrate our birthdays together and can bring family from all around to celebrate with us. The last few years it has been at a restaurant in a small town that the ferry from the island that my parents live docks at. Our mainland family (myself included) and island family were brought together once more, about 16 of us in total! Not everyone was able to make it either, with my sister in the middle of Canada on a road trip and one of my close cousins unable to get away from his obligations in the south island but I was able to see my brother, another one of my close cousins, my aunt and uncle (and their adorable 7 year old daughter and 3 month old son) who have let me stay at their house for countless days while work has brought me out that way (and from the beginning to end of my transition, no less), my Canon Anglican Deacon Grandmother (don't be afraid! She's an ally!), once removed aunts and uncles and of course and my parents. There was even a couple who (I can't fully remember the relation) when they asked if I remembered them I was able to answer with, "yes, I remember you from when I was a little boy". I still get nervous at these big family events. My family is surprisingly liberal for a group of church going cis-hetero-normative well respected members of society, but I do still feel the need to confine to their view of femininity. Which, really isn't all that bad. In the past all that's meant is that I help out with food prep, get the boys a beer every once in a while and help with the dishes after the meal. I found it intimidating at first but I think that my persistence in fitting that mold is part of what helped my family to realize I was serious about being seen as a woman. I also discovered that these were sacred places for the women of my family. A time and a place away from the noise that we could talk, laugh and ask each other the serious questions that we didn't want to bring up at the dinner table. I feel I've grown a lot closer to the women in my family because of it. But yesterday was my day. It was my Mom's day too. With no prep or clean up at a restaurant we were free to just chat and drink margaritas in the unseasonably warm sun. I was still my reserved self but I did lose my composure a bit when it came time to exchange gifts. My gift for my Mom was rather lame, but it came from the heart. I have been living on a very strict budget that I am going to have to maintain until I am back on my feet and able to work again following my surgery later this year, but I was able to afford a card and a pound of my favorite coffee. I know my Mom loves her coffee but she usually drinks the kind of stuff that comes in a tin and weighs a kilogram. My little hipster heart can't take that. I did a flourish of calligraphy in her card that she loved. I don't think value mattered so much to her. Her gift to me though almost made me emotional right there. She passed me over a "Pandora" bag and I immediately thought that couldn't actually be what it was. Sure enough, I opened the exquisite jewelery box that it came in and found a Pandora bracelet with two charms. After showing me how to put it one and take it off (it does require instruction!) she explained the charms to me. One was thick bead with butterflies cut into it. She told me that this was for my transformation and everything that I've gone through, that is seemed appropriate to give it to me on my birthday, the year I would be completing my physical journey in becoming a woman. The other is a silver stiletto, and that one is apparently just for being fabulous. I was also very touched by the card given to me by my Aunt and Uncle who have treated me as their own (and I have taken to calling my "surrogate family". It was a beautiful fuchsia card with "Niece" written on it. I was also surprised to be the first one greeted by my gregarious and energetic 7-year old cousin who then quickly went on to say hi to everyone else (and then change wardrobe at least 3 times and perform a dance recital on the deck of the restaurant, so much wonderful energy in that kid). Maybe I was the first one in her eyesight but it was still nice to feel special for that moment. After dinner and a lot more catching up it was time for the obligatory onslaught of cameras from each and every family for a variety of family photos. In recent years I had felt that my family had been avoiding these moments because... well, like they taught us in school - bring enough for everybody or don't bring any at all. I couldn't help but feel like in mid transition I was a bit of a strange sight for the ol' family album. Yesterday was different. It was the same as I remembered from before I started my transition. Whether my presentation is now better or they've just gotten used to it I don't know - or care, really. They arranged us in all different manners. "Now you two, now just this family". Of course it was after "just the cousins" that came "just the women" and I started to drift off, not knowing what the reaction would be until my cousin called after me, "that's you, Mikah!" At this point I don't even care that when my Dad tells old stories of me he still refers to past me as "he". At least he sees me as the person I now see myself as in the present. He'll get it. Eventually. Even if I had to pay my own bill (this place is much, much above my normal budget for restaurants) I look at it as my Dad seeing me as financially responsible. Not bad considering that when I came out to him the first thing he told me was that I would never be able to find a job. If he's not worried about me then that's all I can ask for. I think over the past couple of years I have earned at least that much, even if I have lost the father/son relationship we once had. He still treats me with respect and still talks with me when he has the chance in his busy schedule, still gives me advice, but something feels much different in the way he talks to me - a certain caution that I hope goes away with time. If nothing else, I hope living with them again following surgery will at least give him enough time around me to feel comfortable again. I had to leave at one point to go put money in my parking meter and my brother came along for the walk. I don't always get the time to see him and when I do it's so rare that we actually get any time to chat. So we had a great walk and got caught up, had a good casual chat - something I haven't always gotten with my family through all of this. Still, even with all the good memories in tow if any one gesture will not be forgotten it is the bracelet. Something about that gift just sealed the deal for me. I know I shouldn't place such sentimental value on physical belongings or trinkets, but this one really meant something to me. It's not even the bracelet, it's something more. It's being accepted, it's being welcomed, it's being seen as a member of the family the way I want to be seen. I feel that part is truly invaluable. So I'm wearing it to my trans support group today. I'll probably wear it tomorrow. Hell, I'll probably wear it on any day that I don't see an immediate risk of it being damaged. I've even started to look online at the other charms available. Not for me, but to give as a gift. I feel like I'm a part of it, and I want to give back. There's another lesson that comes along with all of this. My family has good taste. Bloody expensive taste, but still good. It's just another reason to work harder and get back on track so that I can show them that their kindness has helped me in ways they may never be fully able to comprehend. But I think they can see it in my smile. Attached: Me and my brother. I think I'm less passable in this picture than the last x) but who cares, it was a great evening.

Super short blog, since we dont have the shout feature anymore My new video!! Enjoy Warren

A month or so ago (hard to keep track of the passage of time these days) I found myself becoming addicted to "Ghost Whisperer." I had seen bits of the show in passing in the past but it never caught my attention until now. For those who don't know, it was a show from - well, sometime - with Jennifer Love Hewitt in which she could see ghosts of people who hadn't been able to "cross over." She helps them resolve whatever it is that is keeping them "Earth-bound." And regardless how neat and sappy the episode is, it never fails to get me to cry at the ending as the ghost "sees the light." I've never been a particular believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason, but I'm a strong believer in the ongoing work of the subconscious. I believe that it's always vigilant and ready to tell you "you need this, you're ready for this." I believe that's why my sudden addiction to this show. My parents passed away about 10 years ago, within about 3 months of each other, and both too young (my mother was 67, my father had just turned 69). My life, which had been unraveling in slow and not-so-slow motion up until then, went into a full-on tail spin not long after that. I don't want to go into those details, and I know there are many, many people who have had far worse experiences, but I'll suffice it to say here that my experiences were not run-of-the-mill problems. I also spent a lot of that time blaming my parents, and not necessarily without cause. They made a decision when we were born (I have an older brother and sister) that they didn't want to do what their parents did, which was to push them towards or away from particular careers, basically pushing them in the direction they thought they should go. But in doing so, my parents (I believe) went way too far in the other direction, failing to provide any sense of direction or encouragement to us. As a result I failed to develop follow-through and beyond that a belief in myself and that I could accomplish things. Anyway, last night while I was doing my volunteer gig at a comedy theater there was a show going on that wasn't catching my interest, so I found myself going into my own head. Perhaps a comedian had made a parent reference, but something got me to thinking about them. And I realized (and this is where "Ghost Whisperer" comes into play) that I needed to forgive them, because until I did I wasn't going to be able to move on, at least as effectively as I can. And so I did. Right, wrong, or otherwise I blamed them, and by doing that I was keeping myself focused on what they did wrong and the impact it had on me, rather than taking charge of my own life. I think I got into "Ghost Whisperer" because my subconscious saw the show's structure and realized that I needed that, and I was ready for it. It also might have some up because I was wearing my mother's high school ring. And especially right now I need that, because I've started a journey here that requires (REQUIRES) me to believe in myself. I find that when I feel any sense of "doubt" lately it's really fear, it's the fear that I will never be "passable," that people will always see a "man." So there you have it. My review of "Ghost Whisperer" xoxo Christie (P.S., for further evidence of my belief that it was time, "Christie" was my birth middle name, and it was my mother's maiden name)

Yesterday evening (Friday) we had some of our friends round for a BBQ and drinks, they were 3 trans and one wife plus my wife (should I now refer to her as my partner?) we had a great time. One of my Trans friends and I are quite close and we share many innermost thoughts such as how it all began for us with cross-dressing etc., I think it's imperative to have close freinds who are going through similar issues, she is also like me waiting for her GRS, although she's in front of me in the queue. I don't know anyone in the UK who has seen a Transgender Therapist, I'm not sure if they even exist, so I'm often puzzled why US Trans people see them and wonder at the benefits versus the costs. I'm unsure of what the dialogue would contain. We have close friends as mentioned above, mostly met at Outskirts (a Trans group in B'ham UK) and in whome we trust and confide with each other with listening and advice, and we have really enjoyable conversations, I find it especially rewarding to meet newcomers fresh out of the closet and sit with them in a large group where we give support and advice on the myriad of issues that are faced by trans people, it seems to be a time honoured way of doing things. By no means do all go ahead and change gender full-time, or start HRT, relatively few of us actually, many have valid reasons for not going "all the way", such as jobs and family etc. and seem to be happy with part-time Transvestivism, some of whom would if those issues weren't there, and others who wouldn't want to anyway. So I guess that we could be described as a tight community that is also open to all. Anyway enough of my musings, in a weeks time we're off to the Ardennes in southern Belgium with our caravan, we have stayed in the Ardennes before in Luxembourg, but at that time I was presenting as male - albeit with a gynecomastia vest, so it wasn't too long ago. We were really taken with the area, and are thinking of uprooting and moving there in the next few years, especially if the UK in / out of the EU referendum results in an out result. So we want to go and see how well I'd be able to fit in as the new me - Eve. It seems to me that most trans people live in cities, so I really don't know what to expect in what is a very rural area of French speaking Belgium. We are meeting our freinds from The Hague whilst we are there and so I expect that we'll be having fun no matter what. Needless to say I'm excited at the prospect of going abroad for the second time as Eve with my new passport, and also treading unknown trans territory.......... I'll let you know when I return. Cheers, Eve