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Hello, I can sympathize with you on the first steps of going public full time and can tell you it does get easier as time passes to the point you will not even think about "do I look presentable", "am I walking correctly" or "is my voice proper". In regards to eye-liner, had the same problem so I went and had permanent cosmetics done two years ago since then look great all the time. It's not cheap in regards to the cost but when you consider down the road there is no fuss in the mornings or touch-ups throughout the day it's well worth the cost. Also, hormones, the longer you are on them the majority go through many changes that are usually small and seem unnoticed by you but wait and at some point people will tell you they see no similarities from say one year ago till present.

You're right, I know - and that's the thing I need to get my head around properly - that it's their problem, not mine. Thanks, Eve.

Thanks for your comments. I am seeking a therapist, but it has helped enormously just to write this stuff down. I can see a way forward now. I will work on becoming myself from now on. I even came out on Twitter today by including the fact that I'm trans on my profile. That just told a bunch of people who didn't know. Next week I'm coming out at work and I will be talking to my manager and the HR department about transitioning.

Hi Stephanie I'm based in Manchester, England, and I consider myself lucky for that, because I live a stone's throw from Canal Street, which you may or may not have heard of. Every year, we have the "Sparkle" festival which is a celebration of and for trans* people. There is a lot of support in my area, as I've only recently realised, and I do have support at work as well as in my personal life. The good wishes I've received from people on this website has been almost overwhelming. I'm feeling far more confident today than I did just a few days ago. Thanks for your kind words. Regards, Jay

Yes, there's been remarkable LGBT progress in the UK since 2000, last Sunday I went to a pilot transgender swimming session ata Birmingham swimming pool, it was great, no aires and graces, peoeple were all friendly, M to F's and F to M's, full time pre-ops, post ops, and cross dressers, I suspect there might have also been some non-gendered or gender neutral people too. When I came out and started my real life experience it was both exciting and a nerve wracking experience, but similar to yourself work was fine. Some of my neighbours stared at me though and haven't spoken to me since, but hey ho, that's their problem, not mine. Cheers, Eve

In regards to breast sensations, get use to them as they will not go away anytime soon. Mine went away only after breast augmentation. On average breast size is determined by the cisgender female with the largest breast in your family then downsize a half or full size cup. My mother is a C cup, I went to a B cup then had breast augmentation to achieve a C cup. Hopefully you are under the supervision of a doctor for the hormones, if not I highly suggest you do.

Thanks, Eve. Your comments have helped a lot.

​I think I agree with you, now more than ever before. It's only since I started writing this blog that I realised how much it would mean to be recognised as male. Fortunately, I have found support in areas I didn't expect, and it feels good. Thanks for your comments. Regards, Jay

I like your photo Dawn13

Great story. Must have been some attraction going on when he started a conversation with a question. Even when I was in similar situations where I am fully dressed, and I knew I was very passable, I also get nervous and concerned about my voice giving me away. The neatest thing is when I am not dressed up female and still called mam - even my male sounding voice doesn't seem to make any difference, I am type cast as female.

Hiya Jay. I can Thoroughly sympathise, with Your situation. I can tell You that Gender Dysphoria can be very nasty. I am 53 Year's Old, not far short of 54. I have known since aged 3, that I am Female, Trapped, in a Male Body. Between Mid-August 1988, and the End of February, 1996, I made 3 Serious Suicide Attempt's, because I had been unable to Come-Out. Early this Year, My Natural Hormones went All over the Place. Well it was Either Come-Out, or End It All. Well I Came-Out, as MtoF Pre-Op. Transsexual, on 30th. April, 2015, and I started buying Female Underwear, and Female Clothing, and Wearing It, on 1st. May, 2015, and being out in Public, on the Same Day. Coming-Out, was like having a Massive Weight, Lifted-Off Both of My Shoulder's. I am most certainly Really Happy, and Contented Now, like I have Never Ever been before. I Do NOT Have to "Hide", Any More. Jay, I Am in Aylesbury, in Buckinghamshire, in The United Kingdom, and on Friday Night's, I go to the World Famous Pink Punters Nightclub, which is a h; Gay; Bisexual; and Transgender/Transsexual Venue. Jay, It Does Not Matter to Me, what Race; Creed; Colour; Religion; Gender; or Sexuality; that Anyone is, because, I take Everyone as Individual's. Where in the World are You - Jay ? Anyway, Take Care. With My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie.

And that's a thoughtful comment Christie........... I suspect that it's a combination of factors, but at what percentages will vary between individuals... But I'm not sure that your third point is quite right with perpetuating female stereotypes? for me it's more like emulating other females, behaviour and visually. But at what percentages do I put the three factors, I think that it varies with mood. Drilling down a little deeper isn't expressing your tue self as female, emulating females anyway? I've always found deep questions have answers like quicksand, they constantly shift, and different nuances to the questions and answers come into play................. I've got to stop now before I go mad, I just gotta be me......! Cheers, Eve xoxo

I can really relate to that, but have never explained in such summarised terms..............

I recently started a more serious conversation in therapy about what this (transition) really means. I'm not questioning it at all, i'm just trying to figure it out some more. Reading some of the thoughtful posts on here certainly helps, but doesn't get me all the way (and I realize "all the way" might not feel like far enough). I think the real question is how much of this is (1) expressing my real self (excellent), (2) overcoming habits from trying to live as a man for so long (good), or (3) perpetuating female stereotypes (not so good). Still much to figure out and learn xoxo Christie

I believe many here can sympathize with how you feel and is unfortunate that this happens. Myself like many others have travelled your path to one extent or another, some can deal with it while others can't and a cross road lays ahead where one path lies desperation and the other path which is usually difficult brings some semblance of relief or complete utopia. Should I take door number 1 or door number 2. And door number 2 can be very painful for the first few miles or the entire trip. I took door number 2 and never looked back while others have taken door number 2 and had partial or full regret. My saving grace was that even though I was rudely given a male body with a female inside I could for 50 years adapt for about 90 percent of the time to be somewhat happy and even over joyed at times until the female cried out to escape which until recently I could control then she demanded let me out and I complied.

Have you considered spending time with a therapist?

Last but one of your entries that I've read, it's like going backwards in time, peeling away layers.................. You've really gotten the bug to explain yourself, and get your secret offloaded............. Eve

Yeah I was fearful of rejections too, after being rejected by girls, and used by some others, it made me quite introspective in my late teens.........I expressed it as anger in my biker days from late teens to mid twenties, leading a misfit irresponsible lifestyle taking drugs etc..................I wasn't really happy, I never understood what happy was. Later when I tried talking about such things as sex change with my mother she poo-pooed it, even though I never let on that I was curious because I wasn't a "normal" typical male. Lets cut to the chase, It's only now that I feel happy after coming out as a Transwoman. It seems to me that you'll only be happy when you come out as a Transman.......leastways it seems to me to be your best shot at happiness. Cheers Eve

Your postings are very interesting this is the 4th or 5th in row that I've read, and itseems to me more and more that you really have to transgender, living a lie is unbearable. I had something similar not quite a lie, but a secret that I cross dressed in "The Closet", and couldn't bring myself to tell anybody, it was awful but I thought that I could control it. When I fnally came out to my 2nd wife it helped a lot but untill I came completely out to everyone the secret was an unbearably heavy burden on my soul, think of Frodo Baggins aka "the ring bearer", it felt kind of similar to me. Shame and guilt, hell yes, I felt all that but now it's gone and I feel free, happy, even joyful, I'm open and honest now, free of my earlier baggage.......... Cheers, Eve

I couldn't bring myself to like the above it's so sad, but I really feel for you. It sounds to me as if you need to be honest with yourself and others and stop blaming yourself, of course you're angry you've had to conform to other peoples ideas of what you should look like, behave like and be. But you're none of those things, be yourself, or you'll never be free of your torment of thinking you're a bad person. Other peoples ideas of what and who you should be?.........shit, that's their problem, let them get over it. We've all got to be who we are..............really. It's hard at first to let go of what society expects of us, it seems so scary and strange, even frightening at times, but it gets so much easier as time passes, I hope that you do find yourself and become yourself. Cheers, Eve

I agree with Karen, you're not a freak, but you sound quite confused, are you really bi-sexual or are you Transgender, or are you both? or do you want to be transgender? Most or at least many people have had confusing relationships in their early years, I almost had a gay relationship in my early teens but later the thought of being with a man, especially kissing a man turned me cold. I had many girlfreinds, but still liked to secretly cross-dress in the closet, but at all times I was attracted to females. Now that I have embarked on being a transwoman am I now gay? - in the lesbian sense of the term, but after taking hormones for a prolonged period of time I now fantasise about penises, but not the rest of the being around the edge of the pubic area! But I suspect I'll never do anything about that fantasy. Point is that it gets more and more confusing as time passes by and as one evolves...................I found it best to just be myself, enjoy and stop worrying. The only constant that has been in my life over the last 5 years is my wife - now termed as partner - whom I love dearly. I hope that this helps, by showing that you're not alone, not a freak, but just a human being............ Cheers, Eve

I believe the female puberty thing gets many of us and we learn as time passes by, I will admit I went through it and now look back and see it as part of my growth. Happy to hear your are on a joyful discovery now.

I am seing a psychiatrist at the end of the month.

This funny to me... because it just happened a few nights ago, working late... I was wearing a skirt and pantyhose, white canvas shoes doing some gardening... watering potted plants out front, and a man stopped to ask me... "Ma'me... do you have a lighter?"... I smiled, but did not turn around... (I was bent over picking up a potted plant)... but quietly said, in my softest feminine voice... "No, I don't"... I could have gotten him one...but I dared not turn around, as I had no makeup on, and am only marginally passable... My legs are always shaved smooth and very fit and shapely, as I ride a bicycle... a lot... and are often gazed upon , as they look very feminine. It has happened a few times over the years, especially when I went to the clubs, dressed... "to the nines" as they say, in full feminine mode.... Heels, short skirt, shaved legs, makeup, pantyhose... etc., etc.,

About the only things I was covered for were doctor visits and drugs, everything else was out of pocket for me. There is better insurance which even covers surgery for those who make little to nothing while I am at the opposite end of the scale.

I paid 4USD for my meds each month. One thing that my doctor would be diligent about was me taking a baby aspirin each day once on HRT to be safe.

Eve, Great post! One thing that I would like to add is that self-medicating can be extremely dangerous. There are a percentage of people who are risking their lives by doing so because they may be at risk. But you make a good point about feminizing. I have known my whole life I was trans*. Though I did not take prescribed drugs to feminize before I started HRT under a doctor's care, I did take supplements for a while. They can work, somewhat, but actually are a big waste of money (I spend much less on Estradiol and Spironalactone $20 / month - Generic pricing via Costco). Anyways, the decision to take hormones or even supplements should not be taken lightly. My goal with the supplements was to try to stay as feminine as possible without transitioning. I did have some breast growth and hip growth with them. But looking back, I had in some small way had already made a decision to transition, without really knowing or understanding what was going on inside of me. I thought I was in control. So my advice for anyone considering supplements or "bootleg" Estrogen, they should seek support (here and elsewhere) and therapy, in order to understand what that means and where it is headed. It can be hard for those to take that first step. Because those are tough questions to answer and many "don't want to go there". Anyone who reads this comment, and needs help, please contact me. I can and will help. --Lisa