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As I walked home today, I was behind a person who ran into someone he knows and said - quite loud - "men trying to become women, that [bleep] burns me up." He was ahead of me, so I don't know if it was directed at me (he may have turned and noticed). Anyway, I didn't confront him (I don't make a habit of confronting random idiots on the street, seems like a wise course), but my thought was "well that's not right, i'm not a man trying to become a woman, i'm a woman no longer trying to be a man." I channeled it more "productively" on twitter with the following: Transgender 101: "Transitioning" isn't going from woman to man or man to woman, it's going from fake to authentic. #GirlsLikeUs If anyone is on twitter i'm ChristieCNY It was nice taking a negative and going positive in response. I'm so much better as a woman than I ever could have been as a man

I was reading another blog post that lead to another off-site post and just had this epiphany that be it wrong or right to think this way but I don't consider myself transgender for a long time now but never actually came to terms in writing before. I go through my daily life as any other female would. Heck today I spent an unGodly amount of money on makeup today, 64 dollars. When I got to the counter I must of had a face that begged to ask me "is your day going okay?: I said up to now, jeez, never realized how much makeup cost and I only purchased it for an event tomorrow and will never use it again NO wait I will because it cost so much. Last time I wore makeup was over 15 years ago. So I went home and spent an hour with the makeup. Then I remember at my best friend's house yesterday she said her daughter spends hours on doing her face, I said, not me, never. Baaaahhhh look at me today, eyeshadow, foundation, top and powder and lipstick. Came out well but then I learned it takes a good deal of time taking it off but that didn't bother me because "I am a girl" and the process was well worth the effort experimenting as I did my eye's twice.I remember back 15 years ago I would impatient doing my makeup but now I am content taking time to get it right but 64 dollars yeek. 20 dollars was spent on one brush alone but worth it (I guess). Anyways as I look back to before GRS and now lots of little things have changed and now taking notice of them. Girls my guess is that some of you will travel down the same path, one day stuck in the wrong body and flash you are sitting in a chair legs in the proper place, hands cupped then someone says something that invokes an emotion and one hand goes to your chest then you mutter a gasp followed by your hand covering your mouth delicately. It might dawn on you later that oh my god I am where I should had been all my life.

I had a chat today, with my manager, and we're drawing up a plan of who to tell, how to tell them and when to tell them. It's scarily daunting. It's not only the people I work with, such as my immediate team; it's the people I interact with or the people I see every day. Such as the woman in the restaurant who makes my hazelnut latte each morning, or the guy who delivers parcels to our desks, or the security guards at reception, or the cleaners. Those people don't know me but they see me and they talk to me and they think they know me - and they will be surprised (shocked?) by the upcoming name change. So I can't avoid telling them; not really. The guy I sit next to... we're on a first name basis and I know he likes cycling and he knows I like cycling and we've had chats about the Tour de France and the Vuelta and the Giro... but that's about it. He knows nothing else about me. But I still have to tell him. Everyone at work will know. And I mean everyone. As soon as my email address changes... well, everything changes. People I don't actually know will see my dead name disappear from the directory and a new name appear. And therefore I have to be prepared to receive enquiries and questions from a bunch of people who thought they knew me and a bunch of complete strangers too. And I'm talking about a company that has 100,000 employees. Bring it on!!!

I know the title will sound like I'm rethinking something, and seeing that this is a Transgender blog, I might be thinking that I am doing the wrong thing. But no, don't be hassling me to change for you please. I am perfectly Michele as I am, just need a few minor modifications, make that minor modifications in the form of surgeries. I'm currently the fleet manager as I said in a previous blog. This 8-4 thing is killing me as I'm use to the 6-6 thing and after 2 days and 2 nights I would normally be off and have 4 days to myself. Now this Monday to Friday thing is kind of a drag and also exiting, because I am the member in charge and the flack all comes my direction. What I'll never miss about working shifts is the targets they have... Yes, the station is now target orientated only in arrest and not in the form of how good you deal with the community and the relationships that you build up to them. Just how many police initiated arrest you performed. So it was always this way on shifts, you start work and you go home not worrying about tomorrow, but now you have worries more about performance, and you know what... One day you may have 20 arrest and the next none. It's the role of the dice with police initiated arrested. So I'm sleeping more and my body is actually building a cycle of sleep and when I should wake up, and I never had this for the last 10 years almost 11 if you looking at it that way. I didn't have a cycle. I've ditched my uniform that will just be hanging in my cupboard till I work operations with others. NOOOOOOOOOO,it doesn't mean I ditched my firearm because I am wearing civilian wear, I'm still driving marked vehicles and I'm not going to put myself in crap when someone starts shooting at my vehicle, I want a fighting chance of survival. Now, you know what. I've almost always been called Miss or Mrs with longer hair. My hair isn't that long for me and I love that my face and body is giving my personality and image a pure view of me as a female. I've been told that a girl shouldn't wear a firearm, and that it is a mans toy or weapon, which just make me look like a butch lesbian. Again a butch lesbian, I am told. Well the one that told me that my weapon can be taken from me fast, looked at me and said. I change my opinion, you are fast to draw and cock the weapon one handed. He thought that I would be to soft and scream at everything, before running away. Okay I'm trying to catch you up on what happened in the last month with just small burst of thoughts being thrown at you to give some insight in my life. I was also told to not reveal that much to the world,because it would leave me vulnerable to attack. But my views on being attacked with something that everyone else knows, is nothing. Because it's not a secret and what has been reveal and not been concealed to hide from the world. Will and can never hurt me. Enough of me rambling on and you not getting a fix on where I am, so cheers for now. Be safe and take care of yourself. Love and protection from Michele H Ps... Question, how do you view this??? My friend's birthday was the other day and her father passed away on the same day??? Well she is looking at it in a positive light, which I didn't see till she pointed it out to me. It might be sad to lose your father or someone close to you on your birthday, but form now on, she will be rejoicing in the life her father lived for the rest of her life on her birthday and that of her father's birthday. I know on my father's anniversary of the day he passed away, I always start crying as I miss him. I have never looked at death of a loved one as a happy occurrence.

Go and check out my new video! i do a Q&A with my first ever special guest Some content may not be suitable for all members/viewers https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPpldnV4HwQ

Honestly, dysphoria sucks so much. Its just like you have this shadow following you and constantly saying. "You're never going to pass as a female/male!" "You have a pair of boobs and a vagina/penis, so you can't be the other gender!" All those awful things. I look at myself in the mirror and it just. . . It sucks. I can barely even look at my body when I'm in the shower. I can't bind, and I can't pack because there's no way my mom or dad would allow me to. And I hate going to stores and having to walk into the girls bathroom. When I am hanging out with my friend Haylee and her mom (who supports me being trans and calls me the appropriate name and pronouns --plus she's bisexual and has a girlfriend--) allow me to go into the men's room if I need to go. Her mom also allowed me to shop in he men's/boys section for clothes. All I got was a jacket. If I had gotten anything else my mom would have flipped. But back to dysphoria. Its a pain in my ass, it really is and I just want it to go the hell away! It sucks, and I break down a lot because of it. I have three people to help me through it though, well, four actually. I've got Haylee, her mom, my Long Distance best friend Tyler and my boyfriend Chris. Chris is transgender too but has gotten most of his transitions done and has been on testosterone for about a year I think. Can't remember. . . I am trying my best to stay strong through all of this. I have to be strong or else I will get nowhere if I just give up now. And I don't intend on giving up anytime soon.

So, I have been told quite a few times to put myself in my parents shoes. And I have been. I am trying my best to view things from their..eh, what word could I use? Perspective? I'm not quite sure, I'm not good with words. But anyways. I can understand that something like this is hard for them, considering that they were born in a completely different time. So I know I have to be easy with them, but at times it can be hard because my parents want everything to be their way. If things don't go their way they get upset. I don't try and talk with them about it only because I get nervous and break down easily. And my mom is always staring at me which makes me extremely uncomfortable. She never looks away, she just stares at me with her cold, blue eyes. I have tried talking with her a few times but it is hard for me to talk about my problems and how I feel because I always kept to myself. I have struggled with my gender for awhile. I can't really remember what age I was when I felt the need to be male, but I was a kid so whenever I thought of something about myself I just tried my best not to focus on that. I focused on trying to please my mother and father but that didn't really work. As I got older and older I struggled more and more with myself. I was always so insecure and bashful about my face, my body, my voice. All of that. I was never comfortable with myself. When I got to the ages of 11-13 I began to self-harm. I grew depressed, I always spent time in my room away from my family and barely left the house. And I still am like that, but the self-harming is getting better. I have been clean for a few months and the cuts on my legs are beginning to heal. In the seventh grade towards the end of the year I went to my friend Haylee and pulled her aside and said. "Haylee, I have to tell you something." And so she looked at me and waited. And I built up my courage to say "I think I might be a FtoM Transgender..." and we talked about it, she tried helping me with dysphoria and also tried to find me some support groups. And we talked about it a lot. She still does. When I go back and ask her how she felt and what she thought when I first told her she said to me "I wasn't really that surprised to be honest. I just kinda already knew." And so that's how that went. I do research on things, and I am also in counseling with a wonderful guy. We talk about a lot of things such as what goes on at home and how I am doing so I am getting the help I have been in need of for such a long time. I understand I am still young and have a long life ahead of me, and I need to think about things carefully because I dont want to end up doing something I regret. But I'm fighting to move forward, I'm keeping my head held high and I'm trying to find out who I am and sort this whole thing out.

Hello, as said in the description, I am Jackson but Jack is just fine. I am 14 years of age and I am what others would call a "FTM Transgender", or simply "Female To Male Transgender". This blog will mainly contain posts of my journey as a transgender youth living with an unsupportive mother and father. It is hard, but I have to stay strong and keep moving forward in order to get somewhere. I will also give as best of advice as I can to transgenders who haven't yet come out to family or any kind of gender really. It is a hard thing, I understand that and I know it can be scary. It was scary for me coming out to my parents but I still did it because it was something I had to do. I wouldn't get anywhere if I hadn't come out. I will ge more into what had all happened once I get my account and blog all set up, so until then stay tuned with me and wait for my next upload. Love you guys, Jackson

I was awake before 3 am, having had one of the most disturbing dreams I've had for some time. I didn't get back to sleep; instead I got up and browsed the internet then I read for a while. And now I'm back on the internet. Yesterday was a good day for some reasons and a bad day for other reasons. Good: I got another appointment with the doctor for the end of this week. I got assigned a specialist trans* case worker by our HR department. I bought a train ticket and reserved a room in a posh hotel for a trip to London next week. Bad: I got stuck at work longer than I'd hoped for and this meant I hit the traffic when I finally finished. I then got stuck in more traffic heading into the city and realised I wasn't going to make it in time for my monthly FtM group meeting in the city centre so I had to abandon thoughts of attending, turn around and go home, which made me angry. I'd been looking forward to that session for three weeks. This morning I feel weird. I feel full of doubts. I'm questioning everything I've done recently. I'm questioning everything I've set in motion. The dream has caused these feelings, I know. I dreamt of my mother. She said to me, in the dream, "You're so self-absorbed. This is the most selfish act of your life. You're going to ruin everyone's lives. Everyone around you is going to suffer because of what you're doing. You're going to kill your father. He won't be able to cope." I know what she was referring to, even if she didn't actually say it in the dream. She could only have been talking about one thing. And of course I know it was only my own subconscious mind. But now I'm thinking, "Am I going to kill my father? Am I doing the wrong thing?" Well, I'd better log off and get ready for work.

I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote something here. In fact, it's been weeks since I even visited this site. I seem to have got caught up in so much stuff that I've been too busy to spend time on the internet. I've missed it, though. Yesterday was TDOR and I was surprised that our company LGBT network didn't even mention it. They always make a big thing out of IDAHOT and Coming Out Day and the various Pride celebrations around the country and other days that stand out as something to be celebrated or remembered or promoted. But yesterday? Nothing. So I wrote something on our company LGBT notice board and a bunch of other members jumped on there and complained about the lack of shouting too. So I don't think the network will make that mistake next year. Tomorrow is Sunday, and where I live there's going to be a big memorial event for TDOR. There will be readings and prayers (although I'm not religious) and a candlelit vigil and a bunch of people will walk through the city to gather at the trans* memorial in the park. I attended this event last year, but I stood on the fringes and I wasn't trying to be involved in any way. I just quietly stood at the edge of it all and paid my respects in silence, and then I went home. Tomorrow, it'll be different. I am going as myself, for the first time. I've also persuaded my husband to join me. If I'd asked him last year he would have laughed and said no. This year, he didn't hesitate to say yes. And then afterwards we will spend the evening with a bunch of other people like me. That will be a big step for him, because he hasn't really been involved with other trans* people before. I have to say, his support, just lately, has been amazing. He's the one who keeps telling me to get back in touch with my doctor and ask where my referral to the GIC is up to. He's the one who, last night, helped me clear out every single piece of female clothing I still owned and stuff it into bags and take them to the charity shop. He's the one who is correcting people, before I even get a chance to open my mouth, when they misgender me. After more years together - and sometimes apart - than I would care to admit (because then people would know just how old we are), he has finally accepted me.

Today, Friday, 20th. November, 2015, is the Annual; International; Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) . Let's Wear Something Purple, in Support Of The Rainbow Flag. If We Can't make it to A Comemorative Event, then We Can still show Our Support, for those Less Fortunate, than Ourselves, Who have lost Their Lives, at the Hands of Other's, or Have Taken Their Own Lives. Here in the UK, We should remember the Transgender Lady, Who had been put into an All-Male Prison, at Leeds, in West Yorkshire. Sadly, She took Her Own Life, in the Last Few Day's ! I WILL Wear Something Purple Today, as I Am a 53 Year-Old; Transitioning Male-to-Female Transsexual, Myself. Please, join Me, and Other's around the World, in showing Our Support Today, this Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) . Thank You Very Much. Regards, Stephanie.

I never thought of it like this... Okay, we all probably never thought of it, okay make that the persons who never gave the world a chance to influence and change your gender. I've always been trapped in a body with a body part belonging to someone else. And even as a child I would ask everyone, "WHERE DO YOU SEE A BOY, BECAUSE IF YOU TALKING TO ME, I'M NOT LISTENING AS I AM NOT A BOY!!!" So did I give my parents the chance to grieve the loss of a son they never had, or is my mother just trying to be a royal pain in my ass. Okay, my dad never used the right pronounce, and he treated me as softly as he could. But I never wanted to be a soft girly girl. I needed to know how to kick the boys into submission and how to shoot at a target with a proficiency that most grown up would cry over getting. And how to handle a car and still look like a model on a catwalk. Yes I am, and I obviously want to stay my daddy's little girl. And somehow I was treated like all the other girls in the area, because I know he knew that he wouldn't ever get a boy in life from me, unless I come home with a guy. So I came to the conclusion that my mother will never let go of the gender assigned to my birth certificate which I will and can't ever respond, because that will and can't ever be me. I'm looking down at my lilac nails as I type this and think. Okay, so she (my mother) is trying to cultivate another interaction like that of my brother with her. But it will never happen, I would become her last born and the girl she can run to if she could accept me for who I am, but till this happens, I am not going to give me anymore heartaches at trying to convince her that this is for me to be at my best. Hormones is another sore issue with us, as she would like me to stop, and the only time that I actually hear that she sort of cares for me is when I told her that without it I will probably kill myself and not think twice about it, because I can't live as the person that she wants me to be. Okay, this statement will make most people jump at their phone books to call and tell me it's not the end of the world. Well, let's see how long did it take you to realize that you need to do the changes. How many suicides are there in the world because of persons not allowed to transition. I wouldn't kill myself, but I might do something that will still result in me dying (running into a gang fight with no bullet proof vest and get shot, but making certain that I took out as many of them before they could shoot me, and if they can't shoot, I would probably shoot myself through the crotch). Okay, that is one of the thoughts I have in my head. But seeing that I know I am the last line of defense for my oldest sister, and I don't want her to be injured or anyone to attack her. I wouldn't want to leave her behind as I wouldn't be there for her. I have also learned that for every argument I have that I can die, I have an argument to stay alive, because if I don't do the fight that others are afraid of to do, who will do it and how will the nation I live in ever decide to change the way they treat us as human beings. Yes, I am not going to do anything to me, because I need to keep on with a fight in the world. First South Africa and later, move into other nations because, equality is the way forward, not the way people want to change everyone. Cheers, stay safe and love life. Michele H