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I have to admit I'm struggling with writing these entries at times.........my clutch seems to have an intermittent fault...............I just can't get my ass into gear sometimes. So, in my previous entry, I said I was looking forward to swimming in a Trans only swimming session, well it's also for gender non conforming people too, which I forgot to mention in my last entry. It went really well I enjoyed myself and swam 12 lengths of the pool straight off non-stop, this surprised me as I have had very little exercise over the last couple of years, other than occassional walks and cycle rides. So it seemed I was fitter than I had imagined, I could also swim quite quickly when I wanted to, this was the first time in the water in about 4 years, when I last SCUBA dived. We could have done with a few more swimmers to cover the cost of the pool hire, but 3 of us paid extra to cover the outlay. I plan to introduce snorkelling as a taster at the next session, to see if we can attract more swimmers, I might even take along an underwater propulsion unit for fun. I have to put together an advert for the session so I have my work cut out, and I have to get my clutch fixed ! On the way back from the last TAGS session I had to call in to our local supermarket to get some stuff my partner wanted, but the thing is, I'd forgotten completely that I hadn't got any make-up on, and generally when out in public I always wear make-up, because I think I don't look femme enough without it, anyway this time I just got on with it as normal no-one stared or made any derogatory comments - as is normally the case, and it wasn't until I'd got back to my car, that I realised that it was my first time in a supermarket without make-up. I have to admit I was amazed and happy with myself (chuffed). On a day to day basis I'm getting more and more delivery drivers calling me "luv" than I ever imagined would be the case, LoL. Christmas preparations are getting underway here, the trees up and decorations and lights are on, party organised for the 27th, pain killers ready for the 28th ! We're all looking forward to it, and hope that your Christmas, or whatever celebration you have, is equally enjoyable. Have a fabulous time, Eve

It's been ten months since gender reassignment surgery and during that time had breast augmentation to complete things, so I thought. Although not physical I now know my sports car has changed me a great deal mentally. What follows next can only be seen and heard so stay tuned for a audio/video for the next evolution of Karen

Hi all, a couple of quick recent anecdotes... 1. On my way to therapy the other day a random guy on the street (a contractor I believe, waiting outside a building) said "hello gorgeous" to me as I passed I smiled at him, said hello and carried on. The downside is that it put me in a really good mood ... on my way to therapy!!! That doesn't help 2. I may have met someone the other night when I was out ... well, I definitely met someone, but it could be "someone" - I may know more tomorrow, we're getting together - the novelty for me is that the person is a she, so we'll see if I really am lesbian (or bisexual)

I've been away for a while, my trans feelings kind of minimized, as if maybe I'd gotten over it. After all, maybe it was more about hiding, lying, and finally, now that the lying and hiding and shame are mostly over, and my wife and I started deeply loving each other again, the storm had passed. Or maybe it was like Judy my gender therapist said, the TG Train has many stations along its journey, and maybe I only needed a ticket to the first or second station? But lately as the weather has gotten colder it's as if the feelings are always there. This morning I saw an Anatomy of a Scene of a new movie "The Danish Girl" in the New York Times. It's directed by Tom Hooper who also directed "The King's Speech" so I imagine it's very well done. What a trigger for me, to see Eddie Redmayne start to viscerally transform herself into the female she knows she is at her deepest. My mental-health therapist often asks me to describe what I feel in my body when I have strong feelings. It's like a tightening in my chest, a deep longing, with a twinge of sadness, because I know that I wish I'd been born female and although I could take the TG Train further nothing would change the fact that I was not born a girl. And, on balance, I like my life well enough but for that longing, like a love that was never to be. PS: I took the photo several years ago in Wuhan, China, through the window in my hotel room, using the floor lamp as a tripod to hold the camera steady to grab three shots at -2, 0, and +2 stops to process into this, an HDR image. Perhaps this photo with its circling cars is a metaphor for what I go through.