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It's been almost a year since I first openly acknowledged to myself, and then my therapist, that I am transgender (it was sometime in February). That got me to thinking last night about gender dysphoria. Early on I had read many accounts of people's experiences with GD, and I was having a hard time relating - most included comments about "knowing from early childhood that I was a girl trapped in a boy's body," etc., and I didn't really have those memories (I also recognized that at 48 years old I don't have a whole lot of any childhood memories). Then I started seeing other stories - including Janet Mock's - that resonated quite soundly with me! It was more about experiencing being the "wrong gender" as opposed to consciously knowing it. So I settled down, and the road has been much smoother since then. Anyway, on the point of GD. The best evidence that I now have that I had it is that I clearly no longer have it - it's in it's absence that it's most noticeable! On that day last February when I came out, a lifetime of depression and malaise lifted immediately and has not returned (not that i don't have down times, but it's not the same existential crisis that it used to be). I get really annoyed/angry when i hear about those who question if GD is real, or how serious it is - I know what my life was before and since, and my GD was very, very serious, even if I didn't recognize it as GD (for a good part of my life I don't know if the concept of GD even existed). Just some thoughts on the approach of my anniversary :-) (well, one of my anniversaries - I just have to figure out what date it was) xoxo Chrissy (BTW, I'm trying out "Chrissy" as a nickname)

"You're too sensitive." I've heard that so many times in my life. Worse, I believe it. I should not be hurt by rude people at work. I seem to be the only one who gets hurt. So no, I shouldn't be affected. I should not like how I feel when I wear my dresses. After all, it's just cloth. A fabric of threads. And I'm not supposed to like them. I should not be scared. Scared that people will discover how scared I am. Of being hurt. I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry. "It's always all about you." That hurts too. A lot. So if I didn't feel then it wouldn't hurt snd it would not have to be about me. I should be happy, not sad. What have I got to be sad about? "I'll give you something to be sad about." Shoulds suck. I should forget that word, delete it from my vocabulary. I like it when I feel my truegender. Inside and out. But it's just a feeling and I don't know if it's okay to feel. Is it? It doesn't seem like it. My cursor gently blinks as I ponder clicking the Submit button. Maybe this is what blogs can be for. Sometimes to pour out my heart. Show the world that I feel. I don't like it and I don't know what to do with it but there it is.