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I have been around a few people at various points in their journey and watched several specials on true stories of transitioning and come away with a not so surprising conclusion. In most cases when a cisgender male who is married to a cisgender female comes out to her where she is accepting until he sets an hard date for gender reassignment surgery 99 percent get the eye's wide open thing going on, "he is really going to do it", "No more cisgender sex", "Wait a minute, I did not sign on for this". Seems when the penis goes so do many spouses. Now I don't believe it's just the penis as many married couples have less sexual encounters over the years it's now knowing conventional love making is out the door and the strong man they married is no more which comes from society drilling this into us from day one. Can you truly blame the partner for wanting "out" of the relationship? In the minds of many non-traditionals (non-cisgender) we don't see things the same way the significant other sees things and I believe for some this can change. I would love to hear what others think on this topic.

Spent most of my afternoon lounging with Bree both in our computer room and spent some time upstairs. Worked on trying to figure out a few things in my 3D program without success and am now just enjoying raid night with the guild. Today has just been a t-shirt, gym pants and the bra and breastforms kind of day. I did use the nair this morning to remove my chest and stomach hair. If I'm ambitious I'll get my legs tomorrow. Bree is absolutely right about the smooth skin having much more sensation to it. Should have done this a long time ago. Now if only we could get something that works better on my facial hair we'd be gold.

I am so cold. My job is cheap with the heat, and I sit by a window. And I"m in the middle of a mass of office equipment, so a space heater is not practical. So I'm freezing cold, struggling with the four new steps they decided to add to an overly complicated invoicing process on a day when apparently the pricing dude decided not to deal with it so I have two weeks backed up. Stressed out. SO...Nikki had mentioned girl mode today and playing with the clothing and the forms, so I told him to take selfies for me and show them to me after work so I had something to think about besides the rest of my office trying to kill me by death from a thousand paper cuts. I do like the pictures, but he looks so serious. I think I bring more out in him than he does by himself, when I took photos the other night I got emotion all over the place from him in them and he was really into it. So now I'm really considering what that means, and what i come up with is make Nikki feel safe and free in either mode. He opens up when I'm around, always has in boy mode before I knew too compared to how he is when I'm not there. Our freinds at the summer retreat used to tell me that when I went down to the lake with E to swim Nikki would quiet up and bury himself in a book or videos, it took a few years before that stopped happening and he got more comfortable in this group. But even one on one apparently I bring out the best in him. And that is the best thing ever for a life partner to be able to do for each other. Now he's wrapped up in the new PJ"s we picked up from WomanWithin and I'm wrapped up in my new jacquard wrap, but the real reason I"m warm is Nikki loves me and needs me.

This is basically part 2 of my previous entry about work issues. I totally agree with everyone who followed-up suggesting holding out until surgeries are done, I can't imagine starting a new job and then telling them I'm going to be out for X weeks, so better to do it now, which also lets me get more experience. The problem is that that's an "exit strategy," but it doesn't address how to cope on a daily basis with a job situation that I find basically humiliating. I don't like the idea of trying to just see it as a job, but that might be the only way. The other important piece that I came across recently involves performing - and doing something that I feel passion about. As some may know I have done some performing during a friend's drag show (earlier I would say that I was doing drag, but that isn't accurate anymore). A couple of weeks ago I did this and after I was done thought I had decided that it was time to give it up. The issue was that while I kind of enjoyed doing it, I didn't feel like I was bringing enough to it to warrant it (I don't sing, I can't dance...what else?). But then last week I was at her show - not performing just to see it - she had another guest so at one point she says "I'm going to do one more song and then bring up my guest." I had a strange feeling of excitement. I knew it wasn't me, I wasn't performing, but I still for a second reacted like I was. That's when I realized that I do still want to do it - I just have to find my angle. So yesterday I signed up for a beginner's jazz dance class :-) Passion is definitely something that I'm missing, so I'm excited to pursue this possible venue! xoxo Chrissy