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So today is kind of a scary day. Were supposed to meet up with a mutual friend who has agreed to talk to Nikki about her childhood abuse, since they suffered similar pain. I"m terrified for Nikki. He's already stressy and nervous, and this will be the first time he's ever going to try talking to someone more than a brief "this happened" sort of thing. He's doing this form himself, not for me, not for any advice, but because he wants to sit face to face with another human that shares his life experience. He didn't want to wait until he gets in with the therapist. I asked them to decide if I should be there or not, and they both requested I do so because I give good hugs. It has been a long time since I sat in on a conversation like this. And I'm scared for how Nikki feels and wll feel in a few hours. And I want to find the person that did this to him and do things I won't get graphic about here. I do have a rage for this faceless person that hurt baby Nikki. And a general one for all people who harm others. It really sucks that my best love and support, while important, can't really help him feel better, he has to experience this for himself to work through is feelings. I guess this is where healing begins, whether you talk to a professional, spouse, or another survivor. You have to let it hurt and face it before it gets better, I know that, but I have this unrealistic urge to somehow magically make it all better for Nikki and am frustrated that i can't. I think he feels a similar frustration when I'm broken and on the floor in a mess and he can't fix it. But I can't protect him from this, I can only love on him and let him know he's not alone. Nikki is very much is a problem solver, he wants to always 'fix' whatever is wrong right then, and sometimes we have problems communicating on things that can't be fixed, only lived through. I honestly feel like that contributed into his fear to talk to me. Because he didn't know how to 'fix' either his feelings or our day to day life to work with them. That is part of why I had so MUCH confusion when I first found out, his relations to me and behaviors are so typically waht I understood to be masculine(so much so I really had to learn to understand that cleaning my windows wasn't a whim, but literally his way of "I love you, and I'm showing you by doing this thing that will make you happy, there was a time when I wondered if I was some kind of living sex doll for him and if he remembered I was actually here, but once I figured it out I was floored by the sheer avalanche of ways he showered love on me), but I absolutely believed him when tells me that he feels like he's supposed to be a woman and the confusions he has going on inside, so I went into a crazy spiral of just confusion. I asked him if someone let him go back to the day before I found out, would he sanitize the journal entries I stumbled into, or would he let it play out? He thought hard, and said he would go back and do neither, but instead do what he should have and talked to me(That was his words, not mine that he should have). So I did get he answer I was looking for, he IS happier and this IS what he wants, for me to know and have been able to make my choices on how this works for me and have the chance to try to live up to his wants and needs from me. Going forward I think we are stronger. I think we have learned to talk better to each other, talk more completely to each other, and to hear each others actual voice instead of echoes of our own issues in our heads. We have a good foundation for a therapist to work with! LOL We have also made a tentative plan ever fifth anniversary to take a staycation and do intensive marital examination like we did after this, because keeping better behaviors is a lifelong process and commitment to earning them through work and communication. Apparently before I found out, this was a dip in and out thing and Nikki didn't really self-examine all that closely, but my need to understand helped him focus and find some answers in himself to know what he feels and wants. Nikki has always been very focused on doing whatever it took to make me happy, in big and small things. So I suppose honestly beforehand really digging into his distress and confusion would have presented a conflict with that desire, but now that I know and <b>I</b> needed that to regain my footing and security, it became much easier for him to do. He told me me that me knowing and asking and researching and sharing what I see both the positives and negatives, helped him start to come to terms with everything in himself instead of being a nebulous cloud. So we're learning together, and I like that. I think he likes that. Now we just have to get through today, and through the work he'll have to do in therapy to conquer his depression and regain his joy in life. I wish for him to feel as much joy in himself and his life as he tells me he feels in having my love and how hard I work to make him happy to. Today's good mindset: Scary things are okay. Overcoming is what brings health, happiness, and security. Today's Fear: Oh my god what is this going to do to my Nikki.

Hello again! As I stated in my previous blog, I werent exactly finished, haha! I have been working on more artwork in both the mandalas and other art pages and I fully enjoy doing them. It's very addicting! I had mentioned to our doctor that we're no longer taking our anti-anxiety or anti-depressant medications anymore because we dont feel that we need them anymore. When she asked what we were doing to help our anxiety instead, we explained that we've been doing Adult Coloring Books and other art and it is helping greatly on our focus and stress. She agreed and explained that it is actually now being used as a therapy for people with Anxiety Disorders and encouraged us to stay on the routine we have now, dismissing the medications and instead going to art. No arguments here! So we were given permission to buy 20$ worth of Adult Coloring books from online, but we were a bit sad to find that 20$ does not go far with these books. Most of the books under 5$ werent very detailed or struck our interest. The only two that we found that we really wanted were 9.95$ each and another 5$ in shipping. So we got those two, but then wondered how else we could have a large variety of things to color without breaking the bank. So instead we looked up "Adult Coloring pages" and "Blank Linework art" online and found hundreds of interesting coloring pages that were more our age range. We saved about thirty of them and made sure to get pages that each of us (alts) wanted. After Justin's mother offered to print them out while she was at work, we then had the task of figuring out what to do with all those loose papers. So we bought a large 3ring binder and two packages of page protectors. Viola! Our own hardcover art book that will also protect the finished artwork! Cheap and very effective than buying several art books that might have pages that we have no interest in coloring. Here are a few photos of the book and the finished art. Cover page by Alexandru V. Elven Queen by Alexandru V. "Sugar Baby Mama" by Abriella D. More to come soon, I assure you! Now....if only we could write off coloring as a therapy-related Prescription and get our insurance to pay for our markers and binders! Ha! One can only dream, haha Also Ren and I have decided to try and get back into the work of bookwriting. It'll be an effort on both our parts! -Alexandru

So I went out to a party tonight with a friend and made some more ... lately I have been introducing myself as Luna and its been great to hear that name when people introduce me... sure the pronouns thing is taking some work cause unless some one explicitly says she her everyone assumes I am male. It's okay though one thing at a time ... i went out to a party had some wine and got to go shopping picked up a thing or two and just generally had a good night. Hope everyone else is well too. I also uploaded a picture. Seeya all next time

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm mention, Self harm recovery Good Evening again, ladies, gentlemen and mythical beasts. Today has been fairly productive (this week actually) and I finally am able to sit down and do a bit of blogging. Thankfully I am able to report that the reason for my ability to blog right now is due to the wonderful new arrival of new keyboard keys on the laptop. The old one made typing extremely frustrating due to several keys not working, but Ren ordered a new one and his sister-in-law installed it. It's so wonderful to be able to type and type away without any problems with missing letters! Which is one good thing to report this week at least. A well-working keyboard makes every writer a happy writer. On another note, we went to see our doctor this week. Originally it were to ask for the paperwork to be sent to our surgeon to send to the insurance, in hopes of having our surgery approved. Much to our embarrassment and annoyance, she explained that all we had to do in the first place was call the Surgeon and ask them to send it, since they should still have all the necessary papers. Foolish us! Otherwise, we'd planned to come clean to our doctor about the MPD condition (since it were a therapist who has talked about it to begin with, insisting we find another therapist when we left but we never did). It was sort of a swift, avoided, drive-by mention; to be honest. Ren were talking about different things we were told to look into by our old therapist, mentioning that we were told to find a new therapist "Considering the bipolar stuff, the MPD, and the -----" So it was a very brief "oh by the way" sort of thing. The doctor caught it, however, but thankfully didnt make a whole parade out of it. She simply said that if we were comfortable with it, and we werent having any problems or issues and still are able to function properly in day-to-day tasks; she saw no reason why we should seek out therapy or medications. Which was a relief, to be honest. We were really afraid that she would ask us to seek medical attention for it. But I do, however, wish to state my pride in Ren. He has been cut-free for several months since getting his tattoo, and I am very proud of him for this. As his final "I'm done" task, he took his small match container full of razor blades and exacto-knife blades to the doctors office with him. He handed them to the doctor without being prompted, explained that he didnt need them anymore, and allowed her to put the container in the medical sharps box. I'm very proud of him, as this was a huge step for him and he took it without being prompted or asked to do so. Congratulations Warren! Also, with his permission, I've taken screenshots of a post he made earlier today and I'd like to share it with you all. There is more to blog about, but I'd like to leave this one on those notes. Very proud of you Warren! -Alexandru

I am so cold. My job is cheap with the heat, and I sit by a window. And I"m in the middle of a mass of office equipment, so a space heater is not practical. So I'm freezing cold, struggling with the four new steps they decided to add to an overly complicated invoicing process on a day when apparently the pricing dude decided not to deal with it so I have two weeks backed up. Stressed out. SO...Nikki had mentioned girl mode today and playing with the clothing and the forms, so I told him to take selfies for me and show them to me after work so I had something to think about besides the rest of my office trying to kill me by death from a thousand paper cuts. I do like the pictures, but he looks so serious. I think I bring more out in him than he does by himself, when I took photos the other night I got emotion all over the place from him in them and he was really into it. So now I'm really considering what that means, and what i come up with is make Nikki feel safe and free in either mode. He opens up when I'm around, always has in boy mode before I knew too compared to how he is when I'm not there. Our freinds at the summer retreat used to tell me that when I went down to the lake with E to swim Nikki would quiet up and bury himself in a book or videos, it took a few years before that stopped happening and he got more comfortable in this group. But even one on one apparently I bring out the best in him. And that is the best thing ever for a life partner to be able to do for each other. Now he's wrapped up in the new PJ"s we picked up from WomanWithin and I'm wrapped up in my new jacquard wrap, but the real reason I"m warm is Nikki loves me and needs me.

Spent most of my afternoon lounging with Bree both in our computer room and spent some time upstairs. Worked on trying to figure out a few things in my 3D program without success and am now just enjoying raid night with the guild. Today has just been a t-shirt, gym pants and the bra and breastforms kind of day. I did use the nair this morning to remove my chest and stomach hair. If I'm ambitious I'll get my legs tomorrow. Bree is absolutely right about the smooth skin having much more sensation to it. Should have done this a long time ago. Now if only we could get something that works better on my facial hair we'd be gold.