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So the more I read, the more I see a LOT of splintering and unkindness between the different groups under the big group umbrella. It makes me sad. All the groups under this umbrella are small population wise, logic dictates to me that banding together would be the way to go. Rights for everyone, equality for everyone! But instead there seems to be conflict everywhere. Large groups of gay and lesbian hating each other, large groups of both of them hating trans people, a lot of transgender people looking down on crossdressers who are only cd, the asexuals feel like everyone hates them, everyone wanting to erase the bisexuals and force them into a choice, and other conflicts I don't even know about. I think it really surprises me in particular with this umbrella because they all share the common theme of we deserve acceptance and normalcy. With that mindset, why on earth would people deny others the same thing? I know it happens. I see it in my reading, I've seen it in the male-female social power dynamic. There are a lot of feminists who do cross the line into Feminazi territory, who can't tell the difference between wanting to be equal and wanting to replace men as the group in power. Why doesn't the struggle to make the world a place that just accepts people unite us? If it can't, does that mean something? Does it mean our species in it's development of intellect and social behaviors isn't ready to give up the division of groups and the need to feel our group is right other groups are wrong? Are we just not developed enough in brain power to overcome that self-interest only on a mass scale? How much do we as a species NEED the external validation of others? And if we can't even do this on a smaller scale of people with alternative to the binary 'norms' (Male-female, gay-strait, mono-poly, etc.) then how can we ever hope as a species to overcome the cultural, racial, and religious divides and learn to exist peacefully and gracefully together if we can't even handle people making personal choices in their lives? How far could mankind GO if we stopped trying to kill each other, control each other, and really learned to make peace between all the nations? But we can't even manage it inside our individual nations. Sometimes it feels to me like the ENTIRE PLANET just collectively decided to ignore the truth that we're all human beings on the same planet and should be working together. And yes, I have fallen into that trap too. Especially when feeling threatened. It's an easy trap. I wonder if Rodney King knew how really profound his "why can't we just get along" really was.

It's like my entire life blew up all at once. I never really realized how MUCH I'm capable of handling all at once, and still managing to be happy and helpful to others. But at the same time, it's really hard when EVERY front in my life is changing dramatically all at once. I keep feeling like I'm stressing out for no reason, and then I sat down and thought about WHY I'm having downward spirals and feel generally uneasy most of the time right now. Nikki wants to think it's all him I think, but it really is a HUGE mix of my whole world. All at once. 1) We had committed too and started making financial changes in our life, and day to day living. And need to continue altering lifelong poor habits to improve, that's really not easy. 2) Still trying to establish healthy boundaries with my crazy dad and step-mom and failing utterly because they are insisting boundaries between parents and adult children are unrealistic and they feel they have teh right to treat me like crap. So they get cut out, start acting like normal people, contact is re-established, and the cycle continues. I could just refuse, but there is part of me that wants a family of some kind in that direction, not just generation forward. I'm dumb. 3) Restructuring my marriage, from communication, trust, sex, issues, roles, and who needs what as well as how to acquire the material things required given point 1. 4) Trying to actually conquer the body dismorphia. That's so much fun. 5) Major upheavels in my social circle to navigate. 6) My sick cat. 7) Crazy mom and all her issues. 8) the super and ongoing flu. 9) The hernia issues and trying to balance excercise and weight loss with not incarcerating again and needing immediate surgery. See points one and four for the major reasons I don't get that fixed now. 10) Attention defecit disorder and asthma. Always random stress induction. 11) All the self questioning realizing how very out of touch I had been with my own reality. Granted i wasn't given the data for a lot of it, but at the same time, however irrational, is a feeling of how could I not see? That's a big list.

It has been quite awhile since I have updated. A lot has happened over the last two months. Recently I attended the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, VA which is less than a 2 hour drive for me. I only attended the conference Friday and Saturday, had a wonderful time, a bit tired but learned a lot. My primary reason for attending was to meet with several surgeons and get consultations for FFS. I also wanted to attend the sessions, meet others. Before I arrived to the conference, I did try to get on the schedules of surgeons for consultations so that I can get estimates and potentially schedule surgery. So I only had two consultations with Dr. Rumer and Dr. Leis. They are local to the Philly area so they are very accessible for me. I was please with both doctors. I also attended their informational sessions at the conference. I showed them a pencil drawing that I did of myself when I was 17 years old (I posted it here for reference), just to show them how my face has changed over the years. Specifically, there is a bump on my nose, the distance between nose and upper lip is a little longer. My jawline more pronounced. But what has changed the most is my brow. It is very pronounced. Given the changes to my face, I still wouldn't change much, but the brow and pronounced trachea I really need to address. I received an estimate from Leis for the brow reduction, lift, scalp advancement, rhinoplasty, lip lift and tracheal shave. I am getting an estimate from Dr. Rumer for the same, but she suggested fat injections in the cheeks. I am waiting to receive an estimate from her via email. I was really excited about it, because I feel like I am taking the first concrete steps towards my goal of working full-time as a woman. I also talked with James Walker out of Buffalo, NY who does full beard clearances. I have had 4 full face and neck laser treatments and 37 hours of electrolysis over the last 11 - 12 months. But it is not progressing fast enough and I would like to accelerate it. I am hoping to get on his schedule the first week of April. He travels and will be in Harrisburg, then. I will be posting more soon. A lot has happened in my life. Love and Sunshine, Lisa