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Hi all, I just had my endocrinologist appointment - my testosterone level is at 170 now - yay!!! Typical male level is 270-1200, female level is up to the 60s or so - so I'm in "No Man's and No Woman's Land" currently - but it's progress! I think the nicest part of the appointment was when he said he wished everyone who came to see him was like me - in this case meaning that he has no qualms about what I'm doing and giving me the HRT prescription, so that was nice to hear :-) He did say I need to lose some weight - which I knew quite well already, I'm hoping hearing it from him will help motivate. xoxo Chrissy

So... Insurance said no. For the fifth time. My favorite beach is closed. My birthday plans have been cancelled. And I literally cant think of many reasons why I should even bother to keep trying. Please dont message or comment with 'keep your chin up' or 'keep trying' because that literally only ticks me off. Ren.

Nikki is going through some serious painful topics in therapy, nothing I can do. Not a thing. He has to sort all of it out, and it will be good for him, but I'm not stupid, he's hurting and nothing I can say or do can take that away until he works through it all. I'm here, ready with the comfort and the hugs and the reinforcement, but that only goes so far. I suspicion everyone here knows that. The sheer helplessness sucks. I WANT to be able to help him, to make it all better, and make all the ugly past go away. The only thing I can do is step back, and let him guide me in what he wants and needs from me right now. Being the partner sucks. It was easier when I was the one dealing with my disorders/history, I didn't have to stand by helplessly. I guess he felt like this when I was struggling. Love isn't always joy. Sometimes it's just suffering together through life and all it's mess. Feeling frustrated and helpless is such an unpleasant combination. ANd he keeps APOLOGIZING to me about it. He has nothing to apologize, he's doing what he needs to do to heal so that we can have our happily ever after. He didn't choose any of this, and I'm not a fair weather wife who can't handle feeling frustrated and helpless for a while. The fact that I feel that way is because I love my Nikki. I'm going to go kill things in a video game now.