Leaderboard

As I mentioned in my last posting, I had a consultation in Philadelphia on Monday about bottom surgery - it went very well, I liked the surgeon a lot and liked the work that she showed me. So I'm scheduled for December 27 :-) I had anticipated waiting until spring because of school, but classes finish in the fall on December 23, and there's over a month before spring classes, so this worked out, and financially it's VERY helpful as it lets me get this under my current insurance, and in the same year as top surgery so that I have only 1 deductible to worry about. I had a "gut check" moment while waiting for the surgeon - this time my gut's response was "leave me alone! this is good!" - so apparently my gut is getting a little annoyed at me checking-in too much. I drove down (hate driving, but it seemed easier), and the drive back was awesome - nothing about the drive itself, just knowing that I'm getting this done, that it's scheduled and before we start 2017 I will be just about as much of a woman as I can be :-) (physically at least) Now I get to have the conversation with my brother in which I tell him :-) That should be fine, we've already spoken about me being trans and he's totally supportive, just awkward having any medical discussions with him.

Had a crossroads moment, and finally ventured on to the harder path. Helping Nikki deal with his issues and history is making me take hard looks at my own. Some can't be conquered, but they can be mitigated. Or at the very least, it can be said 'that was NOT okay'. My parents are divorced, they have been since I was very young, around 4. I don't think either were very happy in the marriage, but it ended because my father cheated on my mother. And who outed him? Me. Yes, he was so interested in getting laid with his mistress (who was formerly a student in his high school history class, I'm told by those old enough to remember they all think the affair started after her graduation, but I can't say that as fact, I really don't remember) that instead of waiting til days when he had free time that didn't include watching me, he took me to her parents house (where she still lived) and left me alone in a strange house while he vanished with her. It was frightening and confusing for little me, and I have never liked unfamiliar places since. And of course it came out when my mom asked me what Daddy and I did that day. I don't remember if I was instructed to lie or not. The only parts of the story that were strong enough to impact on my young memory were being left alone in the strange place (stupid with a 3/4 year old in a house that isn't childproofed anymore) and nearly drowning in the pool because Dad wanted Leslie to lounge with him, and I do remember she thought she should be in the pool with me and that I was too young and they had a fight about it. She was also the one that realized there was a problem and pulled me out when I had lost my grip on the floaty device Dad has given me. So flash forward to my teen years, and Dad and my stepmother both constantly explaining to me that the whole thing was my mothers fault, because she wouldn't go out drinking with him on weekends or the camping trips every weekend in the summer so Dad and his friends could photograph trains. Um...they were parents. Who both worked full time, and I already spent 40 hours a week with mom's parents or dad's grandparents (they alternated). And I was pressured into agreeing with this Mom should have done whatever Dad wanted for the marriage and it was her fault he cheated on her indoctrination. I never really agreed with it, but it never went well for me pushing back with Dad and stepmom. And Dad is a big one for expecting people to face the consequences of their actions, until it comes time for him to do it, nothing is ever his fault. So today I wrote out on Facebook where he will see it that it's never okay to cheat. I didn't direct it at just him, I've hard this story multiple times from multiple cheaters, but its' really clear I don't believe any of them, including him. I thought about protecting it so he couldn't see it, but no. I'm done, and if my stepmom gets involved again with another e-mail I will enter the fight full on, but I have no real need to attack them, but they do have a clear understanding now that I do not and never did believe and am done with the bullshit. They can choose to save face, and drop it for good (yes, they still reinforce the partyline 40 years after the fact, it's creepy I know). So why did I write it out ant leave it public if I'm not actually looking for a fight? Because I'm looking to work on me, and stop condoning things that really aren't okay, and to withdraw my previous complicity. People always implied these moments feel good, and they really don't, they just feel kinda raw and vulnerable and I know unpleasant things are coming as SEVERAL of the people who fed me the spouse blame bullshit can see it, but I'm done. Man up, woman up, agender up, whatever is appropriate and either fix or end the committed relationships and THEN seek out new ones. It's not that freaking hard. I've hard so many excuses, kids, financial, partners are fragile, but none of them is an appropriate reason to harm their families. And I really don't know anyone who grew up with parents who did that who aren't harmed by it in some way, myself included. I have yet to meet one who says "it had no impact on my understanding of commitment, honor, responsibility, and personal feelings about and in my family". Meh. Untwisting my past is hard. So thanks for the trust issues you started there Dad, but I don't really want them and am trying to work them out of myself as much as I can. Where we started is clearly not where we have to end up, or a board like this wouldn't even exist, let alone welcome me. But I did open the can of worms, and now all I can do is watch them wriggle out and hope they have the sense to take the oppurtunity to go back to the dirt where they belong instead of trying to live in my head anymore.

Tomorrow is New York Pride! It's expected to be one of the biggest ever as a result of the emotional impact of the Orlando shootings - and there will also be an increased NYPD presence as a result of the shootings. I expect that they'll do a moment of silence for Orlando - they do it each year for those lost to HIV/AIDs, and it's always an incredibly moving experience - you're on the streets of NYC with thousands and thousands of people, and there isn't a single sound (otherwise it's almost impossible to be on 5th Ave. or in the Village in total silence, except perhaps during a snowstorm). For me, this is my first NY Pride since I started transitioning. Last year at this time I had "come out," but I hadn't really started transitioning yet (I went for a gender bending look at Pride). So this will also be the first time I'm actually marching and not just watching (I did also volunteer one year). I'm planning to march with Identity House, the peer counseling organization I volunteer with, which is what prompted me to march. In the past I've wanted to, but didn't really have any group that I felt strongly enough about to march with. But back to the point about it being the first Pride since my transition started. That has prompted me to look squarely at my own ambivalence about being trans. I don't mean that I question whether I am or not, any question like that was resolved LONG ago - I mean that at some level, at some times, I try to reject my identity as a transwoman, and "just" be a woman. Sometimes it's an affirmative thing, I'm affirming my gender identity as a woman, other times though it's a negative, it's me trying to not be trans. This is kind of a hard thing to acknowledge here in particular - on this website - but I think that makes it more important to do. I went to the Transgender Health Conference in Philadelphia a few weeks ago and realized that I felt very uncomfortable. In my day-to-day life I'm typically the only trans person around, this was a rare situation where I was in roomfuls of trans people, and I wasn't comfortable, which upset me a lot. I don't think it's unusual, perhaps others (many others even) here have experienced it - or something similar. There is an underlying wish - that is, I have an underlying wish that I had just been born a cisgender woman - and it can feel horrible to recognize that that will simply never be my reality. There is no amount of transitioning that will ever make me a cisgender woman. I am taking a step to work through this tomorrow at Pride - I found a shirt on-line to wear, a pink tank-top that says "Trans Women are Real Women" :-) I think it's important for me to take ownership of that message - keeping in mind that while I'm wearing it for Pride, I'll also be wearing it as I travel back and forth to the city, which means around an audience that isn't necessarily receptive to the message. So I just wanted to - or rather, felt the need to - share that. I'll post some pics on Monday :-) xoxo Chrissy

I see I haven't updated since April 28, so I'm behind on a few items :-) My job - where I've worked for 10+ years now - recently announced employee buy-outs b/c they need to cut the budget. Since I was already planning on going back to school, I took the buy-out and will now go back full-time (to NYU for a Masters in Social Work). Now I'm just here at work riding out my time until probably June 30 - it's SOOOO boring!!! On other fronts - next Monday I have a consult with a bottom surgeon in the Philadelphia area - very excited about that! And in mid-July I have another appt with the top surgeon in Albany - to finalize details, etc. That surgery is scheduled for August 19 - one of my friends who is a student, and thus free during the summer, is going with me (you have to have someone with you).

Yesterday I am walking up to my work area, a woman stops me and ask if she didn’t mind me asking a personal question. Since I have only seen her (there are over 1,000 employees) and not worked with her I figured it’s one of the following stock questions, where did you purchase your shoes or something along the line of transitioning. My perspective was if it’s about my transition (which nobody has mentioned in over eight months) it’s fine as she seems like a good person. After saying yes to her question said I looked familiar but was unsure from where. Then she says, were you once male? I said yes. She then asked if she could hug me and I said yes and she did. Then she says I looked gorgeous which I thanked her for the compliment. She did say if I had said I was always female her next question would had been, do you have a brother or other family member working here as she was not certain on if I was once male. We chit-chatted for a few minutes but the subject of transitioning has passed and onto weather and the little things in life. Next up, I have joined another transgender site, Susan’s Place several months ago and this week was asked to become part of their staff which I accepted. It’s not that Susan’s Place is better than this site (TGuide) but felt the need to move on from here, at least for a while. Just keep in mind that this site (TGuide) is like no other trans site on the web and you should be proud to be here. What I have seen during my time here is a tight nit family of likeminded people who support each other and my wish is for that to keep going. In closing, I hope everyone here is moving forward on their journey and enjoying life. I know not everyone can say they are progressing and for those my wish for those who are not find some peace in their daily life.

Obtaining a female voice for the male embodied female is that thing to which can’t be surgically remedied with a 100 percent success and is the holy grail for many. So what are common methods? Mimic the cisgender voice on their own, purchase some type of series of lessons, enlist the aid of a voice therapist or go out on a limb for questionable voice surgery which statistically speaking can do more harm than good. Many factors play into how one goes about obtaining that female voice which range from being in the closet, monetary funds to available resources. Kind of hard practicing the voice with others in the house and you are in the closet or money is tight, hard to overcome these things and can be frustrating when funds and a place to practice are available but no therapist or one is shy to make appointments in fear of what they might think of you. No matter which avenue is chosen the ultimate test is picking up the telephone, talk to a stranger and have the responses coming back with female pronouns. It’s relatively easy to learn to speak female for a short time e.g. one or two minute conversations but eventually for many the vocal chords want to relax, go to a comfortable place (heaven forbid), the deep male voice rather than the soft/higher voice we aspire too. Things that can help, learn to breathe from the abdomen rather than the upper chest, placing your finger on your Adam’s apple, when at the right place the Adam’s apple rises and stays there. Try laying on the floor, this makes it more difficult to use the upper chest for breathing. Place a book on the abdomen and feel it working and if not then work on that aspect alone followed by going back to speaking at the right pitch and resonance. After getting good with one or two minute shots of female voice try these things. Speak the following and maintaining the female voice (note between each word pause a second). One, two Now do One, two, three, Then One, Two, three, four etc. Got that! Now do One, two, three, “Every dog has its day” Practice that until you are satisfied and now put together several quotes like this and pick a random one, no peeking. After speaking the words finish with describing the quote. The idea here is the first part the brain is comfortable with while explaining the quote is spontaneous and now you have to work harder at maintaining the female voice. Can’t do this at home? Why not do it when driving to work or taking a walk? When I took voice lessons I was given 30 quotes, some did more than the above as they would challenge more aspects of getting the female voice done properly. It’s important to keep in mind that the older you are the more chances there are for one to slip back into that deep voice rather than the soft voice. Lastly, set a reasonable standard for your female voice rather than go for something that is unobtainable as this will help you to get a passable voice. These are just a few suggestions that may or may not work for you but if not considered or tried one will never know. Closing out with a short story. I belong to a local transgender group on Facebook, was invited to meet ten or so at a local club. I walked in 30 minutes early, was approached by a female (lesbian) who sat down at my table and started talking to me. Several minutes into talking she asked, are you here alone? I said no, I am waiting for a group of transgender people and they are all dressing in prom dresses (I did not). She then said "is that them" pointing to the entrance. I said yes, recognized them from FB pictures. I waved and said "Hi", several stared at me from where they were standing then decided to come over. When they did I said I was part of their group. One (I think she is the leader) said :"I was not sure who you were... all I saw were to cisgender females" About thirty minutes or so into talking with them several complimented me on my looks (and most important) my voice which in this case I know they would never had said it if they did not mean it. It took me a while to obtain that voice and so happy for having taking lessons by a professional therapist who's main task in the beginning was to cultivate what I had obtained on my own.