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On Tilly's recent blog after some encouragement from Monica, Emma very kindly shared a list of things that she had shared with her therapist while wrestling with her identity. It had been split into different age stages but included some if not all of the "pointers" and memories that hinted at her true gender. Christy had also said she had found the exercise of creating a list beneficial to her. So last night I sat up and decided to see if I could compile my own "List". I was surprised about a few things. Firstly that I could actually make a list, I still have an inner voice that tells me that I cannot possibly be Trans and that I am just avoiding dealing with my marriage breakup because they happened so close together. In part the truth is the marriage break up led me to start asking who I was, my relationship with my ex works well as friends and she is confiding in me again (even though some of the topics I do not think appropriate for your ex husband, she does not think about my feelings like that and I would never tell her). Secondly, while there is more in adult memory than childhood I realised that there are still things that I put down before puberty struck and my hormones went wild. 🤬 Thirdly while I am embarrassed about the strong connection to self pleasure and pornography, I can see patterns in the categories I have found myself getting fixated on for a while, and when looked at dispassionately they all point strongly to an urge to be seen as female. It is also why the first thing I did was remove that element and see if I still wanted to dress feminine when stimulation was not a part of the equation and yeah, it still felt like me and still feels somehow right. I haven't included the actual "list" in this post because of the numerous references to adult genres, but am happy to post it if others are interested. I have effectively already blogged about it all previously anyway so none of it is secret. (that in itself has helped with some of my personal Transphobia although I did not know that's what the guilt was until recently). As my list was compiled in one day there is a good chance I will have missed a few things, but I do want to say thank you for the thought exercise - it has genuinely been very educational for me and it has given me a couple of things to think about. 🤔🤗👸😯

Well, I came out to my wife tonight. The best I can say about her initial reaction is that we are still sleeping in the same bed. She has expressed more anger over me lying to her then wanting to wear women's clothing. I tried to explain to her that I didn't keep it from her for any more then a week, because that is when I finally realized what my history and current feelings were. I was so terrified that I was going to have to find somewhere else to sleep, at least for a while (who knows, I still might) that I had a bag packed with a couple of days worth of work clothes. She asked if I had been wearing her clothes, I could honestly say that I had not (though she has a few things in her closet that I wouldn't mind borrowing), After her initial reaction, I left her in the bedroom and curled up in the recliner in our living room with a throw blanket and cried. I called a friend of mine that I have talked about earlier and he was able to get me calmed down, we talked for like two and a half hours (I am right now thanking God that I have wonderful friends, even if they came into my life recently). While on the phone with my friend I realized that one of these days I might forget to take my bra off getting ready for work and crying started again when I realized that they might see it. I don't know if this is a justified fear or if I should talk to my supervisor in private, or even if I should make it a non issue and just start wearing a bra to work. I know that I am not as far along as a lot of you girls around here, but thanks for comments, concerns, and a few answers. As always, all my love, Tilly