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ScottishDeeDee

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  1. Emma, in the end I just made the most of the time without stressing about it. Family relations can be tough at the best of times, but this is one of those days where it adds an extra blob of trans awkwardness (for me) on top.. 💛
  2. Thanks Jess. I found a meme I could get behind, so I am just going to enjoy the time with my kids and not worry about it. x
  3. Tomorrow will be fathers day. Given the mess of my marriage it is safe to say that my experiences of fathers day have been sporadic at best, the odd wee card or slice of toast brought to the bedroom. Always an after thought or last minute purchase. Once or twice a decent bottle of whisky, but overall meh - usually we had to go and share with my exes dad, until he fell out of favour. This year we swapped the weekends around so that the kids could be with me for Fathers day - it meant my ex could go off to a music festival so it wasn't completely altruistic on her part, but I think I got the better deal. She left a £10 in an envelope with a card my daughter made at her after school club with a note saying time had run out and she hadn't had time for her to buy anything. My son never got a mention and she had them the last 2 weekends. For comparison on Mothers day I made sure the kids had bought a card and some butter fudge which is one of her favourite sweets and then bought and cooked a 2 course meal at her house with the kids for her. It is not about the stuff (genuinely couldn't care less) but every so often I am reminded of just how far down the priority list I am unless she needs something and it still stings.. So I bought a Terrys Chocolate Orange and some nice ingredients and we are going to have a big Roast Dinner tomorrow complete with GF yorkies and gravy, and then we are going to go for a family walk along one of the local beaches with the dog that I seem to get almost every time my daughter comes because my ex struggles to ditch all 3 dogs when she goes off on her weekends. I have been struggling with what to think about Fathers Day. It seems a bit daft celebrating it when I am effectively waiting for my October appointment (which got pushed back a week to the 2nd week in October by sms this week- yay! 💩) you know, considering I do not now and nor have I ever felt like a good father. I have been told I am by a load of people but it has always rang empty, not humility, just - not true. Why do we separate them out and not just have a happy parent day? Every time one or the other comes around there are single parents (a couple of my sisters included) and grandparents raising children that stand up and say "I do this job too" so why do we have to make it such hallmark, card giving gender thing? I don't know if I'm peed off at the day itself or because I will feel like a fraud when my daughter gives me the card she made for her dad.
  4. Aww Jess, that is really affirming! I'm glad it was the best kind of run in! I am picking my way through it all slowly, but because I was doing so many firsts - I just couldn't process them all - so having an outside opinion would help lol. 💛 x
  5. Thanks Christa, My family and friends have been amazing! I hope they were being honest with me and not just trying to build my confidence though. I don't really have a giggle 😂 But it was definitely a fun weekend, I need to try to do more normal life stuff too like when we popped in to buy a dress top and cardigan before the night out - the changing rooms weren't open but if they had been I would have used them. I felt natural but I really want to know if that came across or not (just in case I'm using rose tinted glasses) X
  6. Hi Emma, There's no such thing as late online - unless this gets archived! I know I will go out again, what I have been trying to do this week is decide on the what/when/where. Picking up where I left off with the kids in my male get up has been fairly simple - no big fanfares. Like putting on an old comfortable pair of shoes - well worn in and exactly as expected. I don't know if I expected to react more or if it is just being flat after having such a packed and emotional weekend. On reflection there were 3 stand out highlights over the two days: The first was going out for dinner on the Friday night, when at separate times my sister jumped thinking a strange woman had stood in her personal space at the traffic lights and then watching my niece walking past our dining table because she just did not "see" me at the table. The second was chatting to the coffee ladies and talking about holidays after being left on my own for a while in the Pride village. I was waiting on my latte, and it was just a fun upbeat conversation, and they made normal eye contact and I never once saw the cogs turning, or the sleight hesitation I had seen the day before in some of the waiting staff, though my assumption is that they knew I was trans, especially when I mentioned just being myself while I was there. The third was hearing that my friends had an excellent night out, that after an hour or so of it feeling a bit weird, that they just relaxed and had a great night because they realised I was still the same me and not acting differently.
  7. Thanks Monica - I am discovering that I really like the gentle curls, blonde is what I used to be, and is also the same as the two sisters I look most like - so you are probably right colour-wise, that one was just for fun at the Pride village. x
  8. Thanks BlackAngel, that makes far more sense! 😶 Far more similar to over here when it is almost a given that it has to be a conservative or labour UK government even though there are other parties, we just don't get to hear about them.
  9. "My being transgender, my being LGBTQ, yeah it's an important part of me, it's how important liberties and freedoms are, particularly in this country." As an outsider I truly don't understand why there are only ever two parties to be able to choose from and whether or not letting her win helps him in any way (not that I think the UK setup is any better), but she does surely have a much tougher job ahead of her being in the same party as the president currently revoking her civil rights. Good to see positive campaigning though. 😁
  10. Aww, thank you Monica! 🤭 I have learnt a great deal about myself this weekend, the only thing that felt unnatural was my wig which was starting to be a pain by the end of the day - everything else just felt right, not odd, not play acting, not forced - so the way I currently feel I know I want to continue exploring being Dee, but I am still paranoid about posting my face online for anyone to see. You had asked to see the wig though so I wanted to share. As much as they were a pain I loved the nails and was so glad I bought them! (they came from a UK equivalent of a dollar store) :) x
  11. Quick pic of my wig and nails from my day and night out as Dee. x
  12. I am still a little bit unsure how I process today. A slow relaxed morning meant that I missed the parade but Today I did my makeup and then got help from my niece to do my eyebrows and eyeliner - pro tip: she used some eye shadow rather than eye liner or an eyebrow pencil, it gave the same effect but did not look so harsh when on and came off so much easier just now! Then my sister helped me glue my nails on - they were both jealous of my nails, but they matched my hair perfectly - they were just a bit on the long side so all day I had to adjust to barely being able to use my phone or do simple things like my buttons when I went to the loo. I was wearing some comfy trainers (I had bought blister plasters on the way home last night) my jeans and my butterfly tee, my nice was also in jeans and a bright blue tee because she was wearing a rainbow bright my little pony wig, I could not believe that a pastel blue and pink wig could look subtle but compared to hers I positively blended in. We caught the bus into town, when we got on there was my sister in normal clothes, my niece and I with our wigs, but as we got closer to our stop more and more people got on wearing rainbow flags or all dressed up so that we were soon just a part of the entourage heading to the pride village. The village was free of charge to get in but required a previously booked ticket which got you into the site where there was a music stage, an info tent, a dance tent, along with lots of info stalls and snack vans. I had not eaten breakfast due to nerves but needed to eat something so that was our first port of call. It was a great atmosphere, the weather pretty much drizzled rain the entire time, but in Scotland that does not put off festival goers, and this had the feel of a festival so I relaxed very quickly. The fact that there were drag queens, gay and lesbian couples, people dressed as goths, lolitas, with rainbow angel wings, a wizard in a bathrobe - I did not even come close to standing out. We wandered around and listened to music and then my niece took my sister back into the city centre to catch her bus home. I was left on my own for around an hour and a half during which time I went and spoke to a stall called trans space and a woman called Emma from Glasgow who was looking for support to fix some of the more ridiculous legislation in Scotland and protect Trans people using public facilities, I duly signed as Dee but admitted that it was my first time out and about and we spoke for a good 20 minutes about the questioning process and trying to find out where we fit- she made me feel much more confident in myself though because although she had transitioned 14 years ago her voice was a lot deeper sounding than mine. I also made friends with the ladies running the coffee van and was enlightening them about good places to visit in my area. They spoke to me as a normal human being and it was only a comment after them asking if I lived in the area that I outed myself by saying it was just a nice chance to get to be me. I am under no illusions - my voice patterns may be pretty feminine but I still frequently talk from the chest and have that low rumble echo when I finish sentences or have to speak loudly- especially when I am compared to my sister or niece. But as this weekend was an experiment I had already decided that I had done enough practising and prep. Around 6pm my friends told me that they were on the bus into town so we left the village and went back to my nieces, she had already said that she would be wearing jeans and a nice top, so while I was a little bit disappointed, that went away when we went into the local Asda and bought a nice blue dressy top and a pink cardigan to go with my jeans and hair, I then changed into some black leather calf boots that had wide but definite heels on and we caught the bus back into the city centre - I kept my trans wig on. My male friend won an official bet between them that I would be wearing a wig, but they both gave me a hug and then we caught up over a couple of drinks - I deliberately did not order a single pint all night, I just ordered whatever drink I fancied. In 6 hrs the only people who openly clocked me were bar staff, and they always smiled, and I am pretty sure that one young lassie complimented me after she had given me my order, but it was hard to hear over the drag act at the other end of the bar where the woman were doing all of the whooping and cat calling as their boyfriends were made to feel uncomfortable with the over endowed leotard and fishnet wearing drag queens. We walked to another official pride party venue and the music was rubbish - the only reason it gets a mention is because by the time we got there I was busting to pee and just walked into the ladies without thinking, it was packed but by now I had used the facilities a few times over the day and a smile and a thank you for a door held open was as much interaction as I did. My female married friend noted her disgust that I was happily walking along with them in heels when she cannot wear any herself, but it was good natured and she also envied my nails! During the evening there was a lot of misgendering with "he"and my male name getting used, but each time I would remind them that for tonight I was Dee and to use she/her so I could get a read on how it feels to be gendered that way in real life - oddly my male friend picked it up quickest, but it really only took a couple of hrs and some deliberate she/her repetition for the ladies to refer to me as Dee too. By 11pm we then went into a club that exclusively played 80's music, and its little sister annex reached through the main area that exclusively played 90's music. The music was loud and I felt my age but I got to tick another thing off my wish list, we danced until just after 1am. My feet are killing me but my niece and I walked back to her flat and after removing my nails, eyelashes and makeup we enjoyed a late night pizza - although I still do not have an appetite - I drank enough to be sociable but also ordered a mocktail at one point and so I did not have to worry that I would revert to "laddish" drunk behaviour or even worse trip and fall in my heels. It is half two in the morning and when I wake up I have to drive back up the road and be dad again and I do not know how to feel about it. I frequently forgot that I was actually wearing makeup and a wig and then would sometimes catch my reflection in a shop window and remember, my niece, my sister and my friends went out of their way to look after me and make sure that I was feeling okay, escorting me to the loos when I needed to go and letting me sit in corner seats so I did not have to sit next to strangers and it was nice to know that I was allowed to be vulnerable. My friends said that other than seeing me in different clothes it felt just like any other night out we had been on - there was just more girly chat. Not one person did a double take, or pointed or nudged their friends or looked at me funny - I was literally just another girl on the night out - at one point I thought I had been clocked when a hen party came up to us and started pointing at a list but then her friend pointed to a number and they went to my male friend instead for a signature, so either they had thought I was male from a distance or they had gotten the numbering wrong, but either way I was not male for whatever dare the bride to be was doing. I cannot thank my friends and family enough - the fact that it felt completely normal, but I was freer tells me I definitely need to keep looking forwards, the fact that my male friend made a point of letting me know that he was with me regardless, but did ask some questions was really nice - I get one more sleep in Dees pj's and then back to work next week. I am physically and emotionally wiped out - but in a really good way I will put some pics up once I can focus/edit them xx
  13. I left my house this morning wearing my ladies jeans and a ladies tee that when combined with my male boots, baseball cap and baggy jacket looked like I was just wearing skinny jeans, at most slightly androgynous. I drove down to meet my sister, stopped for an iced coffee and to buy a toothbrush and a razor, because even though I have packed my biggest suitcase with enough clothes to go on holiday for a fortnight I forgot them. My sister and I put the world to rights as we drove down to my nieces, on arrival I immediately put on my every day blonde bob hair which has a fringe so it hides the netting well even though it is cheap, I then went and changed into a more overtly feminine styled black and dark blue top that had long sleeves and a rolled neckline, put on my "natural" false lashes and some lip gloss and both my niece and sister said that I looked completely natural. I wore my charity shop pastel blue Vans trainers and paid the price for my bargain with blisters later. I know my chin is still red and blotchy from the combination laser and electrolysis but they said it was not noticeable. I put my phone and wallet (which is small enough to pass as a purse) in my handbag with the lip gloss and perfume that I had chosen and we then walked up to the place where my sister was staying to drop off her bag. As we were waiting to cross the road my sister did a double take because she thought I was some random woman who had walked up and stood beside her 🤣. We then walked into the centre of town to a buffet style Thai/Chinese restaurant and had a wonderful meal, the city was a typical busy city street, lots of people passing and my niece and sister told me at the restaurant that not a single person had done a double take. I must admit that while I felt slightly self conscious the conversation and company made me completely forget I was presenting female a couple of times. Nobody shouted anything, I'm fairly certain I heard one guy asking his mate if that was a guy at a bus stop as we passed but they didn't yell or choose to come and find out. None of the waiting staff stared or treated me any different to my sister or niece and as far as I am aware none of the tables around us passed any comment or stared either. I was just another customer stuffing my face with plates of sushi. The loos were practically unisex - an open lay out design meant one set of sinks with a couple of cubicles denoting the woman's area, my sister came with me but it was deserted. My fears turned out to be just that, spectres that had no substance. It was a fantastic meal, I felt too full and then when we queued and paid we were just a part of the queue - nothing different or unique. We walked back up that same busy street, again no one stared or said anything - the buskers asked for cash as they do but again no one said anything - there was a short period where a man was walking uncomfortably close behind us and talking to his friend about how he was carrying a knife, but thankfully before long he turned off and went into a pub. My niece then suggested a quick drink to say thank you for the meal before my sister headed back to her lodgings and so we went into her local pub. It was very bright and there was a wee corner that my sister and I went and sat in while my niece got a round in with her student discount. The woman at the table next to us stared heavily as we walked in and sat down but it could just as easily have been because they were a large group and had been using the seats we sat down in - in the UK if there are no jackets or drinks you just sit in the empty space - if a seat is being kept you are told. We had our drink and then the large group left, my sister went up and bought a second one but we left when some old drunk guy came and sat down in the now vacant table beside us and started trying to strike up a conversation with my sister - I went to the loo, this time with my niece and then we came back to her flat after a quick stop for some blister plasters because every step was agony for me. My first time out in the big city was completely uneventful - my niece used my male name twice and both times I gently asked her not to while I am wearing a wig and ladies clothing and she was mortified, but she did not treat me any differently. I was hyper aware of my surroundings and how close people were to me, my sister said that she felt really protective of me - if the knife guy hadn't turned off she was going to stop us under a pretext to let him pass, she also sat on the outside so that I could sit in the corner - physically placing herself between me and the rest of the room. I laughed when she asked if that was how guys feel and I had to say yes - every male becomes a potential threat, even though I knew I could never finish anything it was my duty to get in harms way to protect the women I was with. Overall I did feel self conscious - I do not think I pass in the couple of photos we took, but my sister and niece said that I absolutely did. Apparently my false lashes looked amazing and I will now have to show my sister how to put them on because she cannot do them, but like any woman my age I was not caked in makeup and I was dressed properly - i had noticed that my sister stopped long enough to apply some lippy when she dropped her bag off too. The world did not stop - I did not get lynched, or shouted at, or spaton, or treated like I had an extra head (though a gull did poop on my sisters jacket) Tomorrow is the more overtly flamboyant day - I intend to wear my makeup and put on my nails and trans coloured wig and am considering wearing a skirt and top if they meet with my nieces approval. Then in the evening we will go out - though I only have a little black dress which could be too fancy. It is hard to say how I feel precisely - it felt so totally natural, apart from the times when I remembered that I was wearing a wig, or when I needed the loo - it was just like every other time i have gone out with my sister for something to eat - the difference tonight is that I was her sister too. I was glad to get home, going from the night air into the building made me sweat really quickly so I was glad for the ice in my drinks, I remain unconvinced about my ability to pass and yet even without makeup I seem to have had my wish to just be invisible. Just another person in the city having some food and enjoying a drink with her two friends. My married friends will be meeting up with me tomorrow and this is the first time they will see me out as Dee so I hope that they can be as nonchalant about it as my sister and niece were, my sister has a beautician with a trans sister and was talking about me telling her at her last visit - apparently the thing that struck her most was just how little she reacted to the ews, she was not overly shocked or surprised even though she had never seen me as anything other than male. I have been offered to go and see the beautician any time and she will take care of me which is nice. This evening was just so lovely - I am tired and sleepy but really wanted to record it before I sleep - more again tomorrow night if I remember! 💋💖
  14. Jess - It may be a long flight but you would definitely be made welcome! Thank you all. I will let you know how I feel and how things turn out. 💖💋
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