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I hiked up to Teanaway Ridge (https://www.wta.org/go-hiking/hikes/iron-bear) yesterday with Philippa, Juliette, and Clara. The weather, spring flowers, and amazing views of the Cascade Mountains were perfect, as was the after-hike beer and munchies. The hike was hard going for me since it was my first hike since my GCS/BA in late January. It was fun getting to know Clara and Juliette who are mid-30s, married to each other. Full of smiles and youthful energy and enthusiasm. The thing is that I believe I'll always be recognized as trans, and I feel it holding me apart from the community of women. That said, there is a limit on what I'll subject myself to, to pass, which is not a heck of a lot. I've worked on my voice a lot, had FFS, and wear a small amount of makeup (not yesterday of course). So I think it's fair to say that I'm seen as a trans woman and those in the know only know and refer to me as Emma, with appropriate pronouns. I have an awareness that I'm different, and not in a good way. Sure, that's a judgement that I put on myself. I wonder if I had pride in being trans that it would be easier. I'm always so self-conscious. My voice, my face, shout out my reality and I don't like it, always feeling like I'm different. I am thus torn between wanting to be social versus retreating into a shell, solitary with my self-conscious defenses lowered.