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I just want to ask everyone not to hate me after reading this. I know any respect I have gotten will be gone, and I will lose friends, but the time has come for me to get this off my chest. When I was a kid, I was taught hate. I was taught that if someone wasn't a straight, white, cis, Christian, that they were to be hated and treated cruelly. Since that was all I knew from the cradle, that's what I believed. I was dealing with a lot of feelings that I refused to acknowledge. I'm bisexual and trans. If I had come out back then, it would have gotten me killed. If I wanted to live I had to keep those thoughts to myself and ignore them. So I was closeted for a very long time. And the self loathing was almost to nuclear levels. Here's where I'll lose friends. I was out one night and committed a hate crime. It was a gay bashing. I came across a gay man. I attacked him simply for being gay. I beat him and almost killed him. We didn't know each other, so he couldn't really give a description of who did it. As such I never faced any criminal charges. But I did, and still do have a lifetime of shame, and hating myself for what I did to him. I'm not going to offer a reason or excuse for what I did, because there is none. There is no excuse for doing something like that. And there is no reason for it. I only mentioned being taught the hate, to try to give a look into just how screwed up I was. And I still am. I don't like looking myself in the mirror, simply because I remember what I did. In all honesty, I deserve someone doing the same to me, for the same reason. Put me in his shoes, so to speak. I did run into him at the store a number of years later. It turned out he had to have an eye removed due to my worthlessness. He was scared at first when he saw me, but I reassured him he was in no danger. I told him I only wanted to apologize for what I did. I knew that no words could make up for what I did to him, but wanted him to know how much I regret what I had done. He just looked at me for a few seconds. Then he said he appreciated the apology, but still wasn't at a place where he could accept it or forgive me. I told him that I doubted he ever would reach that place. I gave him my name, address, phone number, and email. I told him that if he ever wanted to contact me for any reason that I would always answer. And that if he decided he wanted to press charges, that I wouldn't fight it. I would plead guilty and take the punishment I deserved. He said he appreciated that, but not to hold my breath. We walked away from each other at that point. I know trying to apologize was a step in the right direction, but I didn't feel any better. I still felt like the scum of the earth. I know for doing what I did, I am and always will be absolutely despicable. This isn't a "woe is me" post. I don't deserve any sympathy or pity. Give that to him. I just needed to get that off my chest. Some of you will be asking, why didn't I just turn myself in? I did talk to a cop about that. His exact words will forever be etched into my mind. He said: "So what? You beat a f**. F him." Prejudice plays a role in the legal system on whether or not the cops do anything, apparently. But that is the end of this post. If that gets me expelled from this site, I understand. I hope it won't, but I won't be surprised if it does. And to the friends that I have lost, and all the respect that I have lost, I understand that too. Maybe, if I'm not banned, someday I can earn your friendship back. Even if there's an asterisk by it.