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stephani

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Blog Entries posted by stephani

  1. stephani

    These things we all do

    By stephani,

    These things we do to make our lives better Well not better persay but make it to were we can just live life without the constant pain and torment within our selves..Can getting the help from therapists and doctors make our lives livable Yes I do believe they can I have to think thats why we are forced to rely on them to transition..I know that we can transition without the normal route but with limited success and still the ever constant crush from life so what is the better of the two evils...Hummm Not sure but I will try the path to the left It will be hard to open up to those that will decide my fate but I must think that they to are just looking out for me and my best interests...I have to hold onto that notion for my fate rests in their hands....




    Take me Into your arms and hold me close
    show me the love only you can show and give me the things that I need to survive..
    These things that make me who I am
    those who can help take me into your lives and show me you care
    those who wish me Ill them away with you forever
    never to hurt me again
    away to you those demonds that will threaten my souls very existance with your ill words and bitter ways
    away with you
    take the knowledge that I will survive and make this life I hold so dear better for my struggles
    greater with my tears and fuller with those that shair in my pain....
    To those who fall before I arrive I bid you bitersweet regret
    For I never met one so dear
    for I never knew your true name
    for I never spoke to your heart
    for I never held your hand through the journey
    I hold you dear to my heart for I hold your pain
    for I know your sorrow and with your help I will make this journey for you....In your name I vowe to make the next in line understand why we make this path less traveled together
    Why we must take hand and heart together for if not we are sure to fall as you...my dear sweet friend we will all make this journey for you.
  2. stephani
    Ok , a couple of weeks ago I sat down with my wife, yes I am still married after our talk.... Oh what a drain on me was this talk. I was emotionally spent, HUH so I though, guess what a few days later my Mother calls........ him hawing around the preverbial bush I did for a time.... cant fool your mother when somethings eating at you they wont leave you alone till you spill the beans...

    OK , back to my wife we sat down to a movie or something night kinda vexed me anyways we began talking about the ordinary stuff and she said something that really bugged me.... OH YOU JUST THINK YOU WANT TO BE A GIRL LIKE HER DONT YOU>>>>>Ahh, I am sorry but I popped

    What is it about this whole thing that you dont understand? OOPPS wrong way to start this discusion.....OK ,calm down You know we have talked about this before...... YOU NEVER told me anything, Really, I never told you anything.....UHHHHH lets talk that way you will understand fully and I will know that you understand fully....OK while we talk will you color my hair, BUT of COURSE I will ....I like to do it its good quality time, and its fun.

    Ok into the conversation we went , how why when where what the, are you kiddin me really are you sure why would I , OK you get the jest, now Its I understand and am behind you in what ever you deside I love you for you and not the body you reside in...What a realief, here I thought OK hears the deal you talk like that again and outa here you go and all your assets ( though not many mostly my good looks GIGGLES A BIT ) are mine.... NOPE to that I will get back to you on this one when I am on HRT and fixen to go full time...

    Ok back to mom, pretty much the same talk a few more tears and a lot harder to do but its done, to my supprise, I knew it was something but just not sure what it was , Oh thats nice I told you when I was five but you told me to not think about it I was a boy and needed to act like one , dreams dont mean a thing and stop acting like a girl,,,...... Same speach from gramma, she atleast gave me a hug and wiped my tears away when she told me these things..

    Ok sorry she told me she was here for me if I needed to go back and live with her then I could and that she was sorry for ever doubting me when I was younger, she was sorry for being so rough on me and she only wanted the best for me and If how great of a guy I have become is any inclination towards how great of a woman I will become, then she talked about how she thought it was gona be my brother to come out to her.... a little shocking but ok, I really dont see that he's a closet freek not a live out in the world one , he might of dressed up in the day but now I think he just likes to be freeky in the bedroom with his wife.... Not to say he might change this in the future but I really doubt it with him...

    About a day went by, no I take that back it was two days I was completely drained emotionally and didn't talk to anyone the next day, she called back and told me that if I didn't mind she talked with two of my aunts and they think if this is what makes me happy they are behind me in it...yippy lets make the headline news. before I can fully deal with the fact that I came out to my mother and wife in whole hearted facts......

    Well the cats out of the bag and this kitty has claws and she aint goin back in so , Look out word It starts with a puurr and ends with a meow....

    God , I hope she doesnt think I am gona stick with the name she wants to give me well as a second middle name..... willa.... Are you kidin me Stephani Willa Paige R. I love ya ma but HE)) NO way thats gona go on the new lisence or birth cert when I get to that point.....I will let her have her moment for now but UUUHHTTUGGHH No way Howdy Doudy....
  3. stephani

    with every breath

    By stephani,

    With every breath I make a choice to continue to the next, and being within the world I am forced to open my eyes to my path it may be long it may be hard but nothing that we strive for is ever easy it must all come at some cost to us... I will not fall I will hold tight to my dreams and I will never faulter with the help of good friends and the support they offer I will not fall and break... This is my promise to those that have given me hope and shinned the light of hope into my darkest place your all in my heart this new year and I hope to be your support as you have been mine this past year...

    I love you all.... Thank you
  4. stephani
    I know that this winter has especially taken a toll on me but how about the rest of you ladies and gental men ? This winters snow fall has seamed to grow considerably since the last years , I should know I have traveled about 84 % of this winter in snow and icy conditions, not to mention the end has been wet thank goodness for that I was about to snap if I had to see one more snow flake fall . ... I really dislike the cold and I really dislike those that seem to think they have to be out in the inclimate weather, why in the world dont these idiots stay at the house and out of harms way , they dont know how to drive on the dry roads let alone when mother nature stacks on ice and snow .... Trust me if I didn't have to I wouldn't even step one foot out into the stuff , but since the frieght has to get to the stores I must ( for now anyhow ) ... I know that there are times that you need to get out and run to the store for food but just to be out in the stuff to run around eeeessshhhh no wonder nature has natual selection..... Ok I wont say any more just look to hear the tales from you all .... And By The Way .... Thank you all for just being who you are .
  5. stephani
    Within our minds we create lyrics of our lives , does your heart play the tune for the world to hear or do you simply humm the tune to your selves ...

    Within life the rythm plays and we create our songs of life , Do you hear your symphany playing your tune , or are you tone deaf ..

    As we walk down the streets watching others pass by , we often hear their songs playing loudly , what do they hear when they pass by you ? Do they hear a beautiful sound or do they wince in aggony when they hear your song playing loudly ...

    It has been said that we walk to a different drummer why do you suppose this is , do we really sway to a unharmonious tune as we walk through life or is it that those others are simply tone deaf and simply can't hear the beautiful song we are marching to ...

    I sit within this truck waiting to deliver yet another load singing loudly to what is playing on my Iphones music app. and it comes to mind how we do really walk through life singing a tune of our own , maybe this is why so many around can't seem to or be behind us in everything we do in life , maybe they just simply don't listen to the same music that we do , maybe they are a little country and we are a little rock and roll , maybe they are blues and we are classical , maybe we are harmony and they are rythm .... I guess what I am trying to say that no matter what song we play for the world to hear not everyone can appreciate the music we appreciate and sing out , nor will they ever begin to like it...

    I know that with every style of music there are some that I simply will not and can not seem to acclamate to , yes I do hear the rythms and styles of every one around me but I simply can not get into it as they are , my passions lie in all of humanity but some of those players do make me wince by their tune , is this a good thing I suppose it is and then again I suppose it isn't , maybe I like to appreciate it at a lower tone and possibly eventually I will become intune with them , I would like to think that I will , it's hard to say that I will ever truelly become appreciative to the tune they are playing ...

    I liken it to being stuck on a bus or the subway with a bunch of battling portable boom boxes , each trying to hear their favorite tune and ever turning the thing up louder and louder , I can't enjoy one when three more tunes I like are blairing in my ear ....

    Maybe if we all ( before you get upset all of humanity not simply those transitioning or those who have transitioned or those that will never transition or even those that prefer to be any aspect of the trans gender spectrum )simply tone down to a reasonable range the people around us could finally enjoy being around us and our tune , it's even possible that they would finally appreciate other forms of music playing through life ... Just a thought ...

    I realize that I am enalagising the struggles that we all face but I think that since every thing on this planet does resinate a tune that connects us all together it would be a good way to make us all think , Who of us doesn't like to hear a beautiful song playing it gets us into a state of happiness or saddness depending on what we are hearing connecting us once again to our fellow man or woman walking through life with us ...

    Play your song for those around you , make them humm along with you and smile when they are in your presance ...
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