Dawn13
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Everything posted by Dawn13
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Reposted from "Being Transgender not a Mental Disorder" So difficult to sort out the feelings versus the male body I have underneath. Three days ago, I just was talking to one of my best girl friends when we were at a running expo - she was part of a staff selling running skirts when I stopped at her booth. "I told her it was so unfair." (That men - feminine looking men like me - are ostracized when openly wanting to wear a cute stylish shirt in a race or run). She showed me a new product that they finally have developed. A collet short for men made of the same fabric as the shirt/s and almost a skirt in form. I bought one of these with a matching unisex headband. She actually got the same matching skirt so at some point we hope to get a picture of us both together wearing our matching outfits. The real point is even though I go to counceling about my being transgender - there is definitely something inside of me that goes beyond my desire to be a straight male in thought and body. Over time I have actually become more feminine in looks to better accommodate my feelings; I now have very long hair, two earrings I wear all of the time, a weight closer to that of a women allowing me to wear junior's shorts and tops; some new breast tissue to the point I now can and actually need to wear my new sports bras. Still I go out primarily as a male as I did in a recent running race. I remember at the race a girl runner actually saying as she walked by in a hearable voice to another runner. Isn't that a woman (Looking at me). Other guy friend said - no its a man. I am now happier in my own skin. My therapist told me it is OK to wear unisex items and girls items, shorts/tops, that are kind of unisex. She did tell me that I should not wear a skirt because of what it appears to do to my mind. But again - this is really who I am, a girl, in my mind. Dawn
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What a fun day today - new Goodwill store opened and I looked for American Eagle shorts and jeans and a sport top - I found several that fit; size 10 and 8's. I was dressed in my male clothes with a ball hat on. My longer pony tail evident as well as my earring's. One of the shoppers said to me "Mam do you know which tags are the discounts." Concerned about my voice I hesitated then I told her "the red ones." I did not try to correct her to my gender as I was in the women's section trying on women items and actually blending in. Still I was concerned that my voice was telling - still was fun - not even going out-of-my-way to look feminine and still being coded as a woman.
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A shop clerk told me she really like my necklace today. I was dressed in girls jeans and a nice sport top. Not sure if she was coding me as female - but was thinking this when she talked to me. I had just got back from a beauty salon and had my hair colored, long styled shoulder length haircut and had my brows waxed. Here are a couple of shots of my hair. Adding my latest here - was at Red Lobster two days ago and the store manager asked "Ladies how was our service." (Just me and my wife). My wife said it must be the glasses and hair as I was dressed in boy mode. Then just yesterday I was going through a security point and the guard first said "sir" as I went through and then corrected himself and said "sorry I meant to say mam."
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My latest Florida Adventure - Just last week I was at a swim meet in FL and when I entered the pool area, with pack on my back and bag in hand one of the regular members of the pool said to me "Mam the women's changing area is around the corner." during the period of the swim meet I was referred to as mam several times and at one restaurant the door was opened for me as the owner said "welcome in Ladies" for me and my wife. Also when I was at the meet I was actually able to notice how much bigger my chest appeared compared to some of the women there. Definitely could see how I was getting mixed up. (And enjoying it) Below are photos showing my hair - as long as I have worn it since I was in my teens. Also. one of my jogging shots (Not wearing a single men's clothing item; but a very feminine running outfit). Dawn
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May latest trip to Florida resulted in several occasions of me being mistaken for a girl - on three occasions I heard either a sales clerk or a waitress call me mam. They almost always caught the mistake but the confusion was evident. The most interesting occurrence and scary was while I was in a tourist store looking at sun visors. I was wearing fairly short denim shorts, legs and arms were shaved and tan, and had my hair in a pony tail; other than that I was in fairly normal for me boy mode. I noticed a handsome guy who was looking at me and was kind of following me around the store. As I was trying to decide what visor was the best one, a pink, purple, white or blue one, he came over really close into my space and put his hand on my shoulder and started to assist me. I also noticed he appeared to have a ....-on. First I thought he worked for the store. He told me his choice for me would be the pink one. As the conservation went along he asked me for some money. No pretext - I could tell he had been drinking. At this point I became quite nervous and was worried me might try to rob me. Summoning some courage, I told him I knew he had been drinking, and that I would not give him any money. He then asked me if I could drive him home; he said I seemed like I would be a "really good girlfriend." I knew then that he was hitting on me hoping to take me home with him. He then proceeded to show me some large circular designer earrings that he thought would look good on me. I was flattered but I had become really nervous at this time and was concerned that I might need help to get away. He was fairly muscular and tall and I knew I was smaller and puny next to him so I was glad I was in a large store so I could get away from him. Still after I had put some distance between him and me I did feel a rush. Wow, he really thought I was a woman. Dawn I am attaching my latest photo - Running as a girl in Florida
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Today I was driving to the board of elections for election training. I was in boy mode and had my hair in a pony tail. I was not trying to look female at all and never during the entire five minute conservation did I try to disguise my voice. When I went into a parking structure near the meeting location to park and I asked the attendant if he knew if this was the right place to park for the election training. He called me "mam" and said he was not aware of the class. He then asked was I trying go to the meeting place for the "league of women voters." he said he could direct me there. I could tell now that he thought I was a woman. He finally directed me to the right location after calling me "Mam" twice more and asked me again if I really was looking for a meeting with the league of woman voters. When he gave me the directions he was really patronizing to me, asking me twice did I understand the directions. (After I left I was thinking he thought I was a woman and in his mind did not expect me to be good with directions)
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Thanks for the complement - just last night my wife commented on that I really do look like a woman these days, even without makeup. She said my small body coupled with longer curly blond hair and my arched brows really made it difficult for people to see me as a male. Actually she was a bit niffed at this as she thinks I rival her in looks.
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Great story. Must have been some attraction going on when he started a conversation with a question. Even when I was in similar situations where I am fully dressed, and I knew I was very passable, I also get nervous and concerned about my voice giving me away. The neatest thing is when I am not dressed up female and still called mam - even my male sounding voice doesn't seem to make any difference, I am type cast as female.
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I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.
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Not sure if this fits here - It does show some my mistaken gender ID, I Have been following all the Jenner news. This has stirred some of my recent thinking. What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change. I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful. Women express this better than almost all men. When I put on a dress I feel changed. When I see other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy. This is the excepted image of most men. I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man. When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing. I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair. I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change. Here is another thought. I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion. Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body. However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman. Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.
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Wow! Today. I was at Dicks Sporting Goods looking for some tennis panties and a superman shirt. I started looking first for the Under Armor, pink for breast cancer superman shirts and a male sales representative said "Mam can I help you." Because I was really trying to look male today, I corrected him. Then he told me he saw my "long blond hair," under my ball cap and thought I was a girl. I explained to him that I was retired and felt free to wear my hair long. He then helped me find the right size. Ended up being a boys XL. Then I went over to the women's section looking for a short that would work well under my NIKE tennis dress. Looking at the clearance rack I also found a couple of unisex looking sport T's. I was just a bit concerned that I was now being read as a male. But the store was quite large and I had really only talked with a couple of the dozen or so sales reps that were there. As I was shopping the female store manager who was doing some restocking, asked me if I needed help. I said no, but after I had made my selections I asked her if she could help me into a dressing room. (Apparently my male voice did not turn the tide as she read me as female) Without batting an eye she took me directly to the woman's dressing room. This time I did not correct her as I went right in. This is when I had a really pleasant surprise. The room was full of women's sportswear right there for me to try on. (Capris and winter outerwear.) Whoever was in the room before me must have been close to my size as almost everything fit. I actually bought two of these outfits and I may post photos of me wearing them. I am sure after I left the sales staff may be having a chuckle as I expect they will trade notes and figure out I was a guy. Still this was a truly interesting adventure for me today. Dawn :)
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Hello Dawn, I too love women most and to a small extent men. I also like to see what beautiful women wear or look like and try to match them. Dawn
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Dexxy, I definately understand hair, as I Iove to have longer hair today, after having to cut it short, and keep it short, for my over 30 years in an office environment. I remember when I was 18 enoying the freedom that my long hair gave me and yes I looked female, but I did not care. Then I went into the militay and my hair was gone. This was hard for me to deal with at first. For a job I sacrficed my freedom. Now I have long hair again and I am happy about it. Many of my friends have told me they see me as free spirit. Yes, I can fly. Dawn
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Thanks Karen, You are doing something I really have wished I could do. I did take estrogen a few years ago but stopped when I realized I would have to explain my breast growth at my next military physical. And yes I still have a bit of man boobs as a result. Now that am now longer working a government job my interest to transition has abated some. Still I like to feel feminine and when I am coded as a woman without really trying I find this fairly satisfying. Appreciate your comments - Dawn :)
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Today was another day of bending as I was called mam twice in Kroger. One time was to ask me if I was in a line and a second was to thank me for responding and clearing the path for this other lady. I decided not to correct the women who aparenty read me as female. (I actually found my appearace to a bit satisfying as not trying and being read female was not as stressful as times I had purpously gone to a place in fem wondering if I could be read) I had on womens levis and running shoes. And today my blond sholder length hair, under my runners ball hat, was really showing lots of curls. Still I was in boy mode. Today, I was not trying to go out of my way to look feminine.
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We are much alike.As a child, I too was beaten by my father when I wore girls clothes, however my mom actually gave me girls clothes to wear and play in. I did not even think about what I was wearing that much, for me I have always felt that looking like a girl was kind of natural for me. Anyway, now I seem to have the same desire you have -but likely will never make the full change because of the good family ties I currently have. Still I understand your desire to be whole. I do wish you the best in your journey. Dawn
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Hello RachelDense, Glad you have joined us - I enjoyed learning more about you. As a person who also has a German heriatage I too understand the strict nature you have lived with. Here we learn from each other and often share things we cannot share with others who can never fully understand us. Dawn
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Recently I went to my usual six month dental exam. I actually purposely dressed a bit more feminine for this exam. Had silky lace pink panties on - a aqua cap sleeve juniors shirt unisex shorts and sandles. My hair was as long as I have worn it - shoulder length. While I was sitting there my hygienist and I started talking about nutrition. She started telling me about muscle building foods and some hormone enhancing foods she had learned about and was taking. While we were talking I could not help but notice that she appeared to have gained weight from when I had seen her six months prior. Her hair was now actually cut short; much shorter than mine. She actually looked like she was close to my size, which was quite a change, from her 100+ pound body that I had recalled. I also now noticed she was larger up top and wearing a very large dentist scrub. She told me she had just started to body build when I saw her for my last exam. She said she had started to lift weights three hours daily and said she was getting ready for a competition. I saw a picture of her and her bicepts were now hudge. It looked like she had gained up to 30 pounds of muscle. She said she was around 130 to 135 pounds and 8% body fat. Then I told her I was between 18 to 22% BF. It was at that point I started to wonder what she was thinking as she looked at my skinny scrawny feminine looking body on the chair. She then asked me what I weighted and when I told her, between 138 to 140, she jokingly said "I bet I can whip your ass." I responded "you are likely right", sensing she now had bigger and harder muscles than mine. I then said how can we do this? Arm wrestle? I actually was getting a bit embarrassed at this time knowing that my arms actually looked like girls arms. I then told her I hoped she did well in her competition. We hugged as I left and then I really felt her harder arm and chest muscles against my soft body. Though she did not mix me up thinking I was a girl - I still had the same feelings - suddenly next to her I felt feminine - A real gender bender.
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I would love to hear - your words.
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Yesterday, at a marathon I was in I had to go to the medical tent because of a bee sting. The med tech taking my BP thought I was a woman, called me mam. I did explain to her "it might be my long hair and I told her I did not intend to cut it," as I like how it makes me feel free to be myself. These experiences are like an adventure. Hard to believe - for me gender is really burred Dawn
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Just yesterday I was at another running expo and was looking in one of the women's section and a big boned lady bumped into me and said sorry did I hurt you "hon." Then I talked with a sales clerk who was ready to sell me a running skirt. She was quite confused as I was sure she readme as female. Even when she recognized I was male near the end of the conversation she was still trying to show me a skirt that I might like. I do think most everyone was reading me female. (I am very tan, long haired, small boned, almost no beard shadow and fit) Not everyone saw me as a girl as I always used my non disguised male voice to greet them. But I could tell my voice alone did not always convenience everyone. To top it off as I Ieft one of the greeters said "Hope you enjoyed the expo Mam, be safe going home."
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Last week I was called Mam four times. Even had one restaurant employee say " Welcome ladies - how are you doing" as I entered his restaurant. I have given up correcting people, actually kind of like how it makes me feel. A month ago in boy mode I was at a sports expo and had stopped at a booth selling shoe inserts. The shop/booth owner was busy and asked one of his workers to "please help this woman" I could not believe myself - how feminine I must have looked to him. (Really was not trying) Yesterday, I had two women runners make commits on my shaved legs "how are they were so perfect" and "perfect looking legs" Have any of you all had these kind of comments - even when in boy mode?
