sophie1hg

Here is an update on what's been happenning in my life thus far...Now that I am fast recovering from that awful virus I had, I had an appointment to attended a lung and chest clinic last week where I was diagnosed as having stage 2 COPD, This has had an effect on me more than I thought it would in so much as re-evaluating my transition. At the moment my head is just so full of doubt and thoughts about whether it is worth transitioning in the light of this information. I am at this time no nearer any conclusion as to my next step, I don't want to fit in anyone's mold's of what they think a person should be. I am who I am, and I'm not sure what that is, but at the moment I am content in my confusion. I am currently working on a plan to live my life as female full time, How long this will take is anyone's guess but being transgender is much harder than I had anticipated. I am currently stuck in a state of limbo in my transition, but I have made some serious decisions about what I want and need. I know now that I do want to be female full time but I am quite unsure of what direction I am headed. All of this coupled with stress of being restricted in my current personal situation and the financial worries has backed me into a corner. Is there a way out of this corner??, Is there light at the end of the tunnel?? (We will see) Well I hope all this makes some sort of sense, I am sure I will get to go in the right direction eventually with all the support I have been receiving from my brother and other members of my family and of course my friends. Take care my friends, love you all Hugs Sophie x

Hello Its been a few weeks since I updated my blog, so sorry to anyone who is following my progress. I am now on my diet as I want to lose a stone in weight, LOL my ever increasing waistline means my skirts and dresses are getting a tad tight!!!!! So I have started lowering my intake of sugar, fatty breakfasts which were virtually routine in my job, LOL although a full english once a week wont hurt (Will it???) Trouble is when I am out on the road each day on long journeys I tend to get peckish, I have always got a couple of packets of midget gems or skittles in my van, LOL I have a sweet tooth!!!! So to the bad news this week, I have been diagnosed as having stage 2 COPD, even tho I gave up smoking sometime ago. My dear Mum passed away on christmas day 2007 and she suffered from COPD since 1995, This diagnosis has knocked me for 6 and I dont know where to turn now with regard to my full transition, Do I carry on with the full treatment through to my op at charing cross GIC, Do I continue with my hormones, Is this COPD going to have a big effect on my life. So many unanswered questions, many friends have told me to carry on but my head is so full of thoughts about how bad will my COPD get in the future as it cannot be cured and at my age (55)will I still have a healthy life, My gp says as have I given up smoking the disease will now stabalise and not get any worse. We will see?? I have been offered a position as Communications and marketing officer with a new TG advisory group based in Milton Keynes, which sort of helps as I have made it my lifes work to help in the TG community as much as possible. I hope you are all well, catch up soon Sweet Regards Sophie x

Hello Well its the end of another week, driving all over hells creation, Sorry I mean the UK, well it seems like hells creation driving on that M6 in the midlands, it must be the worst motorway in england apart from the M25. Still mustn't grumble as its the clients that pay my income so I put up with all the flak and rubbish on the roads to get the job done. Been travelling to leeds,derby and london this week and Swansea last night 22/1/2011, so now it time for me to chillax and catch up on some magazine work. LOL never even had time to look in the shops in leeds so no new outfits this week (Sob Sob!!!). My best friend had her birthday this week I am going to see her on wednesday next week for lunch and sort out some magazine bits, after all she is the editor. As the week progressed I began to feel a tad tired during the day I think its the muggy weather as I dont normally feel that way during the day, but the rain we had on friday seemed to clear the air a bit. I will be looking to start laser treatment soon to help clear my facial hair, just a few light sessions to begin with that will make the make up application a lot smoother!!!! Well thats about it for an other week but in the meantime you all take care as I care. Take care Sophie x

Well its been a quiet week work wise, I had a chance to catch up on some paperwork albeit in cyber space, I have been working on a new TG Venture/magazine, getting information ready to apply to the online magazine. Looked around the shops for an hour, trouble is when one is self employed one has to watch the pennies in these early days, so spending in the shops is limited to once a month maybe, I have a meeting with my GP tomorrow for my monthly check up, make sure all is as it should be with my blood pressure and lipids, having said that my blood pressure has remained constant since being on hormones. I am hoping to fit a couple of days R n R in the next few weeks just to chillax and meet some friends, but a weeks holiday is out of the question at this time due to work loads. Thats about it for now Sweet Regards Sophie

Here is a poem I wrote about myself many years ago ..... A woman of substance a girl it would seem, A lady of class and a child with a dream. All of these things in my life are my own, I will give them to you, should you ever come home. I look into your eyes and see a rainbow coloured sun, In silent thoughts her mind meets mine and we two become as one. You lay your head up on my chest and not a word is spoke, I sigh in deep contentment, 'twas then that I awoke'. The empty place beside my own, your prescence is amiss, I didn't wake to find you there, nor steal a gentle kiss. I long to hold you close to me, to know you tender charms, To smell your sweet aroma, and feel the warmth of your loving arms. Hope you all like that poem,I think its so lovely it just about sums up my life at the moment.

There will be weekly bulletins here on my thoughts, I have to continue with my hormones and live as a female for another 2 years before getting my final operation gender reassignmment surgery. this is part of the NHS regime to qualify me and to show that I am genuinely seeking to change to my femme persona permanantly I have lots of new friends since "coming out" as sophie and they are all so supportive, its so nice to have real friends at last instead of the "Oh I am here if you need me" type that run away at the mere mention transition. As each day goes by I get more and more confidant about my appearance, my life and my future.

Hello well here is my life thus far... I have taken steps to tell all close family members about my ongoing transition, this was a huge task as I didnt know what to expect once I had started telling everyone, first I told my brother and his future wife last month, in fact I told them 3 weeks before they were due to marry and to my complete surprise they are so supportive, LOL my brother took the micheal a bit but then he said he will be there for me, his future wife said can I do her make up for her wedding day as she adored my style of make up as seen in my photo. I have yet to tell my second brother as he is a different kettle of fish so I am waiting for the right time if there is such a thing as the right time. I have told 3 of my late mums 8 sisters and their offspring (my cousins) and again to my surprise they are being very supportive. I run my own small courier business and work with another courier company, I told my business partner about my transition and he said he didnt have problem with it, in fact the cheeky bugger said it might be good having a woman on the team we might get more business using my feminine charm, !!! LOL

I have decided to transfer my blog to this site TG Guide so you may find it a tad confusing at first but I am sure you will read from here onwards as this is the first entry. I am writing this to help with my thoughts hopes and feelings and to share my new life. I have been Sophie since the age of 10 when I first dressed in some borrowed female clothes and it felt so right then, so I went through my teen years secretly dressing whenever I could, I had a number of years where I could not be Sophie in particular my career in the army, and during my first marriage, I am honest and decided to tell my then wife all about Sophie, but events turned nasty when she tried to murder me one evening and was subseqently arrested and sent to a mental institution, Apparently and I did not know this at the time she tried to murder her first husband. My second marriage was very different, my wife adored Sophie and I thought I would be in for a lovely vanilla lifestyle, We went shopping together, went out to an LGBT club in london each month, we were together 9 years and I knew when I met her she was bisexual and I never had a problem with that, but events took a turn for the worst after we went to our usual monhtly club in london one night and on the way home we were stopped by 3 guys, one of these guys held my then wife down while the other two assuming I was a real girl, well lets just say they got a shock and I was badly beaten and raped, and after spending 3 weeks in hospital I was safely repaired by a marvellous caring surgeon whom I will forever be in his debt for what he did for me repairing the damage, which is why I no longer meet guys, I am now strictly lesbian if you can understand that. Anyway, after that incident our marriage sort of disintergrated and we divorced in 2002, Sophie was hidden away for a while and had to have counselling after that terrible episode and I cried for weeks about what happened. In January 2007 my mum was diagnosed terminally ill and had to be flown home and taken by ambulance to an essex hospital with 48hrs to live, you can imagine how distraught I was but she was a strong woman my mum and she carried on living as she was a fighter, so after a miraculous recovery she was sent home but had to have a live in nurse. Now this is where life for me suddenly changed, the nurse who came to look after my mum was in fact a TS who had had her SRS 20 years ago and was a fully fledged woman, her name was Sandra and she was beautiful, after many months looking after my mum and getting to know me I opened up to this nurse and told her about Sophie. Sandra encouraged me to bring sophie out again, and so it was that sandra took me under her wing and we had a couple of dinner dates together but my confidence was still very low, I felt scared everytime we went out after I got beaten and raped. I had my makeover with kay another friend and I started to feel good about myself, but alas, my mum passed away on christmas day 2007 and sandra was sent to another patient in abroad. However all those years dressing secretly well I thought was secret but my mums last words to me were to take Sophie forward in life and be the daughter she never had, I cried for days when she said that my emotions were shot to hell, my mum new all along about me femme side and I never even knew she knew. Having gone away to grieve after my mum died I returned and a new lease of life came over me and I decided that I would like to try and find and meet a lovely lady who will accept me for who I am, I know I may never be a real girl in the genetic sense but when I have my gender reassignment surgery then I will be female legally. I feel very femme when Sophie and with the help of my hormones will at least resemble a female and to have that certain female partner who would accept me as Sophie will be the completion of my life. One of my mums sisters (there are 8 altogether) who has been my rock since my mum died has been so good to me, I decided to tell her about Sophie she is the only member of my family to know thus far, I first sent her some photos of me to test the water and just told her I had a makeover some years ago, but I phoned her one evening and just told her outright who I was going to be and to my complete surprise she said you better get over and have a chat, so I met her for lunch 3 months ago, and in a nutshell she said her and her partner will support me all the way, LOL she even took me shopping and bought me 2 skirts and shoes. She said it must have been torture for me for 37 odd years keeping Sophie secret and she also said I should have gone to her earlier in my life, I was so emotional after she said that. So where am I at now well at 54 years old after taking the decison to go on hormones a year ago I am now developing as expected and my GP is happy with my results thus far. The next part of my blog will follow shortly.