PlagueBubonic

Today I found it interesting I finally think I've gone crazy.....seriously!! I used to get so upset at people who would call me names. Today I was at the grocery store and these two guys called me a FAG!!!(sorry for the use of that word.) I didn't even look at them I just started to laugh......out loud......I didn't even care.. This is not my usual response. Usually I go off on somebody who called me anything. However, these two guys just stood there and than; one of them said,"what's so funny?" I told them what you called me and I said,"it is a funny term for someone who is transgender." The one young man looked at the other and said, "whats a transgender?" the other guy said,"I learned about that in college." So we satrted to talk and as we did they found out I'm A HUMAN BEING just like them. Here is where I got stunned....They apologized, and thought I was pretty cool! All this started because I laughed at my self! Now I will try to show with words what started me to laugh out loud. they called me a Fag= gay=happy that's all it took for me to start to laugh. that's what I thought of!....LOL with me. So today I learned to laugh at my self and not take things soooo serious; unless it needs to be taken that way!! I feels pretty good just to laugh again.

Yes, Ms. Lori I believe self discovery is very important to one's emotional growth!!

so very true Ms.Dainna!!

Today started out not so good; first thing in the morning I got frustrated with myself! I couldnot find a dam thing GRRRRRR than thing got worse from that point! I went for my walk and almost fell flat on face,thank goodness I didnot,but I did through my back out!!! However bad the pain was I kept walking, and get more angery untill I thought about how am I going to handle this junk. I know this is going to read strange, but I let my femininity take my thought process over ....when I finally did this; something I thought I couldnot do happend I ....give up the fight, and let the frustration go. It was odd, I just started to calm down. Then half way around the park I started to feel better, and begain to enjoy me walk My goodness in fact the day turned out pretty good! Got a lot of things done and found what it was I was looking for too. This showed me that if I continue to stay clam as posable, my day may turn around 180 degrees. Before, I would have been upset all day long and never got a thing done execpt being more pist! I enjoy my jounery toward woman hood is getting fun! Please understand this is what worked for me, maybe it could work for you, and maybe not everyone different in the matter of mood changes.

Yes I agree with you ! You think That a self proclamed Christian would act more like Jesus Christ ....I know That he would pray for Mr.Michael's recovery not his death......This kind of stuff makes me feel very sad!!! thanx Ms. Dainna for sharing the artical. Peace Out >^.^<

Yes friends did you know there's different types?? Well there is one type builds up a peson's self-esteem, and the other destroys it! this not my opinion it is a fact. There's two ways to look at criticism. The first way is to feel hurt and rejection. Which makes you say to your self.. O you B=brat you want to tell me how to do this, or how I should act ,or look. The other way is Wow, this person cares enough to help me to grow!! Yep that right,if i did care for somebody I would not say a word. However, some people are very sanative to what is said that's why when you criticize a person do it with caution. This way the point your trying to make is not lost, and you don't hurt the other person. O yes that leads me to make this point If I ignore you Is that better than criticizing you. I think the first point is worse than the second point. I know if I did not love someone I would not say a word. thats why take the criticizem and embrace it, and it most definntly help you to grow. Why do I write this because, it took 45 years to understand this point and now I want to share what I have learned.

Ms.Lori that's the point I was trying to get across glad you got it! Just because I'm a woman does not mean I'm promiscuous. The person in that truck thought I was... I guess? Don't know why I was only in work out clothes......nothing flashy,or trashy...LOL However, I hope by weaving this post and wonderful comments made in this blog; if one puts it together it may help someone.That's what it is all about...HELP!=LEARN! and staying safe, making smart chose's Peace Out

I'm going to start this part of the blog with a scenario........I'll tell you if it is true later. Suppose you like to walk in the public park, at around 6:30-7:00am and someone in a car pulls in front of you and starts to make a spspspspsps sound at you. What would you do? How would you react? How scared would you be? I can't think of anymore questions to ask myself even though there are more. Alright I tell you this is true; happend twice to me two days in a row. I becoming a little concerned. I put this in here so you could my thinking; I have many choices some good and some not so good. What I decided to do is walk some where else it is a big park. Of course I have every right to keep walking there..... right....... Wrong,this is my point, find the easy path and get on it, yes I could stay there and he could have a gun,or knife, and be on drugs too. We all need to look for this path at times especially if danger is lurking around.If you get that funny feeling in your stomach I would listen to it and have. When you see most smart people; they take the easy path and I have learned from watch them. Stay safe never sorry........be in good spirit...let love rein supreme in you life and peace out.

If you, whoever you might be start to read this, please read "bump in the road first." So this part of the story will make more sense to you. Thank you. Hope, is a funny thing and she can make you go loony looking for her however hard she to maybe to find don't stopping looking. I know how hard she is to find from personal experance, and I almost gave in and up to hunt for her. However, I'm sure glad I didnot, for God answered my prayers!!! I have a real friend......she know who she is and maybe another one as well; this means the world to me. I was looking in the wrong direction; that is all that was wrong. In between the the hunt and find, I had time to soul search;I found out I'm impetuous,incorrigible,and in need of acceptance by others. this I know leaves me venerable to hurt, and to feel emotional pain which in my case is worse than the physical pain; I can take that kind of pain all day long, and do. So that is why I need to write this in my blog to make sure that someone who is just about ready to give up and in says to them self hay if she could do it I can too. Please, know this as well if you need a friend, and I'm sitll alive I will be their for you...... just find me. I promise I will never intentionally hurt you............Here I go with the mushy part again! O yes I have to put this in here; If the other woman ever wants to be a real friend of mine. I will leave room in my heart for her too. One woman's lose is another one's gain. PS. Never let the Administrators at TTGuide know what's going on? Why ......you ask.....because....they really do care about you and will help you! I an't how I know. LOL :P

Thanx both Ms. I tryed to read you blog and could not get access. However, I would love to read you book............If I may?

This blog is about my journey how my transtion is progressing well lousy; to sum it up in one word. I have to remember that when you show somebody love you have to be ready for the pain of rejection. I know that you can only control yourself and not the other person. I'm being vague I know; this is because I have not spoken to the other person yet. Which is killing right now. I was just told she is up-set with me for some unknown reason to me? I don't even know if that true either?? Could be nothing or it could be something?? The part that hurts me the most is just hours before I sent a Email to her and exposed my heart to her.( stupid me) Now I feel like ........you figure it out ..........how would you feel. Yep thats how I feel. I first was going to kill Plague off forever however, I really love her a lot even if others donot. After a long walk I have decided to keep this woman around for a long while. If somebody cannot execpt me for who I am than thats their loss not mine. This is where I draw my line in the sand. My other problem is I really like her(as a friend) a lot; God, it would been nice to have a friend.You see I'm a people person meaning I need, and want friends to laugh with to cry with to to to to to to??????? That was odd I blanked out ( I think I'll leave it for now.) Show what a stupor I'm in. You know what the more I keep writing this blog I see I need to drop this shovel and stop dig the hole I'm in. Now I get somewhere.Just stop till I talk with her than i'll up date this blog. Till than be in peace of mind and heart. Up date yep it is what I thought and I don't care HA....... I still am going to go for the good life friends....Today is a new day I face it STRONG.....Life starts NOW!!!!

Yes, thats what phychiatrist told me today she said, "you might be bipolar;" does mean I'm crazy??? I don't know what to think anymore. So I went to google and looked up "bipolar" so I know what I'm dealing with. No body tells this woman she's nuts ( only I can do that.) Now, I kind of understand why I have high and lows ; o good god, the lows are the worst; I tryed so many times to kill myself; but as you can tell I didnot succeed. I also, see why I've been a little to exrteme at times, or a lot to exrteme! I have to try to keep my self in check. This is easier said, than done and I well know this. Maybe this also, explains why I've had a hard time keeping friends throught my life?? They could/would not put up with the quick mood changes. I see I have a tough road to travle;thats ok I'm not afraid I'm a big girl.This will not beat me but, it could possibly define me. I know this all depends upon me and only me,for I have nobody who cares about me anymore. I'll face my challenges and look them square in the eye; I WILL SURVIVE! No matter what comes my way. Now the good part of this blog ......If I can and will do this someone else can to just don't give up, or in to the bad toughts. I'm no different than anybody else. I know that we all are unique in many ways; as well as,being the same too. If I were to tell you all that transspied and all that I lost over the past year; you all would say stop fighting just give up! many of my X friends did in fact they were waiting for me to kill myself. ( I know this because they told me so) However, that is another story for another time, and blog. This ties in this way I spent hours and hours racking my brain why did this bad thing happen ? Who did I hurt? what did I steal? I sank to the lowest level I had ever experienced I never thought a person could lose everything they worked for all their life long. you can not imagine what it feels like, and I hope you never do. this is where I was going with this; salvation I found it!! the bipolar keeps a person in the down mode when you crash and I crashed hard. this is the salvation I have found, HOPE ..........yes hope that things will get better, and they are. I stopped lying to myself and others. Than what re discovered music, yes music and I ran to it and hid in it for a while. Thats the one thing I found that great people have HOPE. So whoever you are if you read this and understand it please keep hope alive in you struggle It will get better I promise.

Dear Ms. emttracy you are a very rich woman! Know why to have had a friend like Tracy in your life.I 'm deeply sorry for your loss. I apologize for not seeing this post quicker, and responding. Hope I don't bring up a sad moument. maybe you have room in your heart for a new special friend??? Best wishes

At first I thought when I got to this website (Tgguide) that I was a website whore?? Tell ya why, I was registered at another site, and was very happy their but, something happend and someone told me to leave. ( this was not done by a monitor/Admin/or because I did / said anything wrong.) I guess, these people did not care for my company??? I guess?? So they told me to go........ this hurt me really bad; I felt like here we go again girl REJECTED. T.T Then, after a period of time I found this community!!! I was very hesitant to come here. Took a couple of invites to get me to come. But, I 'm ecstatic that I exepted the invation!!! I really like this community and feel at home. So far so good, been making friends and this is exactly what I wanted, and needed. I start to become more positive too; this makes someone FEEL GREAT!!!!! God, I thank all of you for that; I can't express in words how you all saved my life, seriously. When I wrote a bunch of negative words you all keep Email me to make sure that I was better. How do you thank somebody for that ??????? Word cannot express how I feel?.......... Maybe this word, love works for a fellow person! How Kind you all are; now to be making friends OMG you all are going to make me say......... I love you all very much with all my heart!!!!! and I 'm not just say'n that you'll see,Please don't change. Good night I 'm getting so mushy look what good people can do for someone so hurt! Here I go again lol got to stop or I'll make myself sick I guess, you all are going to see this a lot from me from now on LOVE YA!!!!!!! I'm so impetuous LOL.............I do mean it though The Blog Hog Thanks you all !

Well today, I had to look up what is a bolg used for. I did not want to be a BLOG HOG LOL I guess I'm using thing right? LOL Now on to the point; the other day I was chatting with my little sister (she is MtF also.) She was not happy for she felt, I was further along the transition high-way than her. This made her feel sad As we were talking a thought popped in my head? This is not a race enjoy the trip down the path toward your goal. So I told her what my thought was, and tryed to show her how much progress she has made. Then this illustration came to me and I thought I post it in my blog and share....oink,oink LOL (Look up at the top of the post to get the joke.) It's like this if you travel on a high way, not all the cars go at the same speed, right? some are faster, some slower hopefully all reach their destination safe and sound. The same is true for transpeople (hope this term is ok) this is each person walk and no one can do it for you. we can give support, encouragement, and cheer you a long. However, the pace, you travel is yours not someone eles. Please enjoy the trip that's part of the fun (I think) yes, it can get frustrating at times! But It is yours and nobody can take that away from you. Ok then I just want to blog this hope it may help someone?? Like me .........Speed demon here lol :D

To day I looked up this quote from Lucy Maud Montgomery. it read,"in this world you've just got to hope for the best and prepare for the worst and take whatever God sends." When I came to think about this I found it is quite deep in meaning. when you link this to a life in transition it takes on a great meaning to me. This is what I got ; We must never lose hope, and seek to get the best we can. If we donot quite get what we want then we should get ready for the consequence, but never give up hope. The most important part of this to me, is the last part take what God give's you and never give it back. I just love to learn; This is what I got out of it; Please share yours with me,I like to see what you got from it? Peace Out >^-^<

Dear Ms. Suezett Sorry ,thing like that happened to you; you seem like a nice person. If I may add that this, thought life changing experance has help you embrace the truth about who you are; all the better for you!! Rembember life starts NOW!! and, "that which does not kill us only makes us stronger." Peace Out >^.^< PS If you ever need a friend please look me up I listen and try to help. BIG HUGZZZZ

I 've learned somethings in the past years that I like to share; it is this, it's not how a person looks on the outside; but how they project the inside look out- ward. What I mean by this, is your heart condition; love must come through. It doesn't matter if you are drop dead gorgeous, if the inside is rotten. Now that I am 51 years old, and not drop dead gorgeous; people are accepting because I'm projecting love. This is no matter how they treat me, or what they call me. I finally see that if you treat someone with respect, kindness, and love you will get it back ten fold. Yes I know, the cliché "never judge a book by its cover," however we all do that, and yes I agreed that are appearance is important; what I'm getting after is even more benifical; the heart condition. Please understand, I'm not trying to hurt anyone; I'm trying to help by sharing some of the steps I have taken in my journey of transition. This post is meant to inspire not tear down, give hope, and courage. But above all it is to tell my story. These are my steps and if they can help someone who might be struggling; that's what I wish to do! Furthermore, the helping other is another step, and so is showing mercy to yourself, and others. OMG I just gave out four steps!! Now you and I can progress down the transition highway together. LOL And if you wish (whoever you are) we don't have to travle the highway alone. You help me, and I help you. PS... Ms. Lori, I'm soooooo greatful to you for the nice comments you have said, thanks very much and keep spreading the love; just like peanut butter!! LOL OhOhOh, wait I forgot, how to show mercy to yourself; what I did is I went to the mirror and told myself, "it's ok to fail; I still love you!!!" Then I gave myself a big hug. I no sounds silly, but it worked for me! Peace Out all >^.^<

The most traumatic experience of my life happened about a year ago. It darn near destroyed me! For the first time in my life I was convicted of a serious crime. I had to plead guilty to one count of attempted perjury this cost me five years of my life and $200,000.00 in restutition. However, on the bright side it is also given me a new beginning. It is help me to become truthful about who and what I am. I intend to use this experience as a starting point in my life. I will never surrender! People expected me to commit suicide, I even plan it out and took serious steps to achieving that goal. This conviction has cost me everything I've lost it all. The only thing I did not lose was my family they stood by me and are still standing by me. Even the Elders in my X church; all have shunned me. This is due to two reasons, first the conviction of the crime, next coming out of the closet; letting them know I am a woman in a man's body. I understand that there believes will not let them except me. So when I say I lost it all; I mean everything monetarily and spiritually I've truly hit rock bottom. And this all happened last year. But I will never surrender nor given to feelings of worthlessness. I guess you could say I learned the hard way through "the school of hard nocks." But then I realized this LIFE STARTS NOW! This has now changed me for the better for now I look for the path of least resistance and get on it. I have learned to stop fighting, and start loving. I now see how love will coucur all obstacles! I intend to use love, and spread it around just like peanut butter!!! LOL Please understand I am not special (unique yes.) So if I can still stand after all this that has happened to me SO CAN YOU; NEVER SURRENDER!!!! If you wish; I will be your friend, and will not abandon you I will love, and accept you just the way you are.......BEAUTIFUL. Peace Out =^.^=

First I want to say, please don't pity me thanks. When I was borned my mother dress me as a girl; she always wanted a little girl. So for the first nine years of my life thats all I knew;dresses, Barbies,and being mommy's little girl. Then things changed in a hurry for me with out a explanation ( I mean in a matter of days.) My mother burned all my girl stuff all of it. Then replaced them with boys clohtes I did not understand why? I guess it was because, I started public school? Please understand I do not hate her for this. Now that I am older I am just trying to figure this out and I can't ask her why for is dead. In fact all my family is dead so I can not get answers to this and other questions. As I was growing up I had to learn english and stop dressing up as a girl this was very difficult for me.I love to dressup; but, I had to be mommy's little man now. This when on till I hit age 12 then I became very violent and thought this is how to get respect from people? (act out instead of talk out.) My behaviour got me thrown out on the streets.So think about it 12-13 years of age,alone, scared and no where to go? This is when I learned about friends (so called) one of my friends raped me. Sorry this is getting hard to write. This why I would like to be accepted and not tolerated. Let me give a scenario of why I thought violence was the right path to take. I only remember bits and pieces of my past. However this one stands out; one of my little girl friends gave a white dress it was very pretty and I wore it to school one day. Remember this time period was late 1960's. I was beat bloody and my dress was distroyed by my class mates. This is just an example not a excuse of poor behaviour. I'll continue a little later this is bring up many bad memories, but if can help someone that is struggling then my life will not be a waste.